March 1, 2009
Today I am suppose to be getting better. I only have medicines to take in the morning and at 4pm. Nothing for evening. I don't feel any better. I still ache everywhere. I think I would feel better if I could take some ibuprofen for the bone and muscle pain (which normally I would be able to), but I cannot take ibuprofen or aspirin right now because of the port surgery, and the chance of bleeding out. So I'm stuck with frickin' Tylenol!! Just doesn't seem to cut it!!
I have decided that I don't think people with small children should get cancer. It is hard enough on you to go through treatments, but having to go through it with little ones and the guilt you have that you cannot be there for them is excruciating!!!! I have had to limit my contact with them for my sake (the pain) and theirs (my patients). But I'm hoping that it will get better.
My Chemo calender is down. It sounds great, to have someone with me supporting me when I am going through this... But to be honest, and I don't want this to sound bad,mean, or ungrateful but I don't want to see anyone or have anyone here with me when I am in this much pain. That is how bad if feels. I just want to be left alone for days 1-4. At least for right now. If it should change, and I can make it through a weekend with out wanting to slash my own wrists, I swear I will put the calender back up. But not right now. I'm sorry. (Mom and Dad, that DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU!! YOU ARE A GODSEND RIGHT NOW TO ALL OF US!!! THANK YOU)