Chemo - Day 3

February 28, 2009

I will just call this day HELL!! Oh my God could it hurt anymore???!!!

My whole body hurts. I don't know where to start....

First, I swear I have to roll over in the morning and eat a cracker, just to have something in my stomach. I think even with the medicines, my best day with chemo-nausea is my worst day being pregnant with morning sickness. Then, my skin burns, it feels like a have a horrible sunburn through out my body from my inside out. Especially on the back of my neck and where my hair line is. Oh, I think that when you loose your hair it must hurt, because every hair follicle on my head hurts right now. I think your hair follicles must just give up the fight and let go.... God I would love to just let go....

My bones hurt. When I went into the bathroom, to get undressed to take a shower (like an idiot I thought it would make me feel better) I tore off my clothes and looked at my body. I knew that every bone in my body, my ribs, sternum, arms, pelvis, legs had to be bright red from the burning...nope nothing. Chris came in to help me wash my hair and I just started crying because it hurt so bad to have him touch me. New rule in my house during days 1-4, no touching Laurie Jo!!! Hell, no breathing on her either...that hurts too!!!

The rule wouldn't be so hard to adhere to if you didn't have a 1 and 3 year old. My poor babies!! I try so hard not to let this affect them, but all my baby wants to do is be on Mommy's lap. She will get on my lap and just lay with my (on my port side so she is killing me) push herself against me to get off, and the minute she does she cries to be back in my lap. I am trying to love her, but her tears match mine as I have to pass her off to my mom and go upstairs to cry and eventually fall back to sleep. I think my 3 year old is just scared. She knows Mommy doesn't feel good (I never lay down or nap) and she just wants so bad to hug me and love on me. It is so hard to try to take care of them when I cannot even take care of myself.

I still cannot eat very much, if at all. I believe I had a scramble egg (protein) for breakfast and had a cheese quesadilla for lunch. Nothing tastes good, just metallic. I went upstairs to lay down and Chris came up a little later to see if I wanted to come for dinner (3 hours later). My days are passing into one another and I am in a little of a fog. Nothing seems right to me....