Saturday, January 3, 2009

The Awkward Silence....

Dec. 30, 2008

After my biopsies, I was told that I would hear my results on Monday, maybe by Friday because they were sent to Georgetown rather than the pathology lab in New York. Friday came and went with no word. After a LONG weekend, I check in with my midwife and she said that she called the Radiologist and because of the Christmas holiday everything was backed up, it didn’t look like I would get my results on that day either, but if the Radiologist called she would call me…. No one called.

Finally on Tuesday I got my call. It was from the Radiologist….
Me: Hello?
Dr: Mrs. N____?
Me: Yes.
Dr: This is Dr. So & So; I did your biopsies last Wednesday?
Me: Yes. (Like I wouldn’t remember someone who jabbed needles into my boob?)
Dr: We got the results back and both sites are Cancer.

And then there was the awkward silence…..

Me: Um… both sites?
Dr: Yes, both sites, even Bob.
Me: Even Bob huh? (still in shock)
Dr: Yes.
Me: So… will my Midwife call me?
Dr: Yes, I just spoke to her and she was not going to be able to call you for at least an hour and we both decided that I would call you. (Personally, I think that my midwife wanted the Radiologist to drop the bomb, so she could be compassionate when she called. I think that she is emotionally attached to me and invested in this (hence the passing out), I think she might have lost it if she had to tell me).
Me: (In a cheerful voice) well thank you very much, I appreciate it. (What else was I going to say?)
Dr: Good bye.
Me: Good bye.

I just sat at my desk. I had been joking to my family and my friends that the worst case scenario would be that the Alien is cancerous and I would get two new titties from this. But for both sites to be cancer? Not cancerous, not unknown, nope… Cancer.

I had to call my husband Chris. I told him exactly what the Dr. told me. “Both sites are cancer.” Then the awkward silence returns. “We will fight this and get through it.” he said to me. “I love you.” is what I said to him. What if I die, I thought. I want him to know I love him.

I had to call my Mom and Dad. Both of them knew of the biopsy. My mom was convinced it was probably a cyst and a clogged duct (just another thing that she had against breastfeeding). They were not at home and I had to call there cell. Can you imagine leaving THAT message on their machine? My Dad answered the phone, my dad NEVER answers the phone. “Hey Hon, what’s up?” “Dad, they called me, both sites are cancer.” Then there was that awkward silence again. “Hon, I’m sorry. But you’ll get through this, let me get your Mom.” I think that he handed off the phone cause he didn’t want me to hear him cry. “Dad,” I yelled into the phone so he could hear me before he handed me off, “I love you.”

Of course when you talk to your Mom, no matter how strong a person you are, you will cry. “What’s wrong?” I think she said this cause my dad was tearing up when he handed her the phone. “Both sites are cancer.” Then the awkward silence. “Oh Laurie, I’m so sorry.” She started crying right away, causing my tears to as well. I flashed back to every year in Junior High and High School when I would try out for the cheerleading and Pom-pom teams and didn’t make it. I was fine when the results were posted, I was fine walking to my class, I was fine until I would call my mom and had to tell her and I would just break down. Why do Moms do this to us? How do Moms do this to us? “Do you know anything else? What happens now?” My mom asked me. “I don’t know, my midwife will call me in a few and I will call you right after.” I was wiping my eyes and trying to hold it together, “Call us after you talk to her.” “Okay, Mom. I love you.” “I love you too Honey.”

I was at work and had locked myself in the owner’s office to make my calls. I walked out and Malinda, one of my colleagues asked me what I found out. “Both sites are cancer.” It became my mantra. Then there was the awkward silence. “Well shit!” Malinda said. You can always count on Malinda for the hitting the nail on the head, “I’m sorry.” “I’m fine.” I told her and went back to my desk.

I needed to call my sister, but she works the night shift over in California and I knew that she would be asleep and I didn’t want to wake her. So I sent her a text, “Stock up on the Pink. Both sites are cancer.” My sister called within minutes and leave it to her to break the awkward silence. "F#ck Bob! I mean we thought the Alien was cancer, but who the f#ck does Bob think he is!!??” I laughed. Yes you can always count on my sister to spin it in a new light and give me someone to blame… Bob.

I talked to her for a little bit and told her that she really should get checked, because now this put her in the “High Risk Group” for breast cancer now that I have it. “Damn it Laurie Jo,” she said, “I already have M.S, can’t I be normal?”

After finishing the call with my sister who contained a few more profanities, I sat at my desk to continue my work. I just started to cry... there was too much awkward silence.

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