BoobieGate

Wow, I feel honored....

2011-08-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,

I received a really neat email the other day and wanted to share it with you...

"Hi LJ,

I stumbled across your blog and niticed the great content on your site. I am wondering if you allow guest posts because I recently have been researching and writing about how beneficial cancer support networks and also staying physically fit is to people going through treatments, in remission and even family memebers of cancer patients. I believe an article on one of thise two topics would mesh with your blog very well and also benefit your readers tremendously. this is an important message to gt out there so please lket me know if you woul dbe interested in seeing it and sharing it with you readers.

Thank you for all you do in making a difference.

David"

Well David, first I want to thank you for taking the time to read my blog! I read your article and cannot agree more. I had my support staff with me before, during and now after cancer. I know that I would have fought and struggled through my fight with or without my friends, but because of the family and friends I KNEW I had on my side (being in person, on the phone or online) I was able to stay connected with my body and soul through this journey and think everyone needs their angels.

So here is David's article...

Networks of People To Fight Cancer

Cancer can be a frightening experience whether you have been diagnosed, you are close to someone who has it, or you are in remission. The exasperating and stressful experience can leave its mark on anyone. For that reason it's important that you have a healthy network of people who you can turn to and talk with about how you're feeling. And what you are going through. It doesn't matter if you have a common cancer like breast cancer, a rare aggressive disease like mesothelioma, skin cancer or prostate cancer, you should have some kind of outreach program to help you cope. It will be especially helpful for you to have a network of people who have the same cancer and can relate to how your body is feeling, how they are feeling, and ways that the both of you can cope and overcome. Even programs on the Internet can prove beneficial to cancer patients, although it might not seem like it at first. Search for chat rooms and discussion boards to introduce yourself and what you are experiencing with cancer. Also, don't just read posts you must engage. Even if it doesn't seem like it, your experience with cancer is unlike that of anyone else's. The simple act of connecting with someone and talking with him or her about what's going through your mind can be a truly cathartic experience. As long as patients experience some type of release or relief than it was worth it.Other outreach programs include rides to treatments. This can prove to be especially helpful for cancer patients who are unable to drive themselves to the treatment center, or if their families and friends are not able to help them out. This gives you the opportunity to make new friends and for volunteers to reach out to people. Sometimes in order for cancer patients to receive the best care they have to travel away from home, away from friends, family, familiarity and their routines. This can make an already challenging experience even more so with new emotional and financial strains. There are lodging centers for cancer patients where they can stay in comfort with other patients and medical experts whom they can talk with. Below are a few great online programs, which can help cancer patients immensely and immediately:

Inspire.com
Caring Bridge
Cancer.org

By: David Haas

Did you know??

2011-08-16T05:49:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone!

I am so excited that the walk is only a few weeks away (6 weeks) and I am working on fundraising for my team (which is now Hope for Hooters), doing my training walks (my last one was 6 miles in the POURING rain), and getting my feet toughend up for the walk (please forgive my bare feet EVERYWHERE).

So what can you do for me? How bout send me some mail while I am at the walk!
Pretty awesome huh?

But you will have to mail it soon, cause it is stored and delivered to me in my pink tent during the walk!

Send letters to:
3-Day for the Cure
ATTN: Laurie Jo Neary
P.O. Box 417
Gore, VA 22637

My love for all of you that supported me whether it be through your words, prayers, or your donations, I could not have done it without you all behind me!

The New Normal

2011-04-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

Two years after my diagnosis and I am always asked if things are back to normal.

My answer? It is a new normal. There are days that my husband forgets what we went to, forgets that I had cancer, forgets the fight. I would give anything to have those days.
Let me explain... This is my bathroom sink.

In the morning I wake up and after I brush my teeth, I have three things to take:
1. Vitamin D (for bone health) I have blood tests every doctor visit to make sure I am taking enough.

2. Calcium

3. Remifemin (right now it is Icool) for the menopausal symptoms (hot flashes, mood swings, sleeplessness)

4. Clariten

When I am getting dressed before and after the shower I am faced with the scar on my breast. It looks fine and faint, but it is still there. In the shower I have to use a special razor with a flat head (AKA my husband's) to shave under my left arm cause the scar causes an indentation that I cannot get with my Schick Quatro. My doctors told me that radiation would cause the hair to not grow. But my doctor was so precise that my hair still grows. :-(

Ater taking a shower I have to put on lotion. A special lotion on my left breast (Intense Moisture) by Avon. It is the only lotion that alleviate the EXTREME dry skin in the radiation areas.

Since my lymph nodes were removed during surgery, I have to be extra vigilant about keeping my left arm unharmed. A paper cut, a insect bite, sun burn,even a hang nail can cause lymphadema.

At night, I have to take more pills.

1. Tamoxifen (to fight any rogue cancer cells still there)

2. Effexor (to combat the side-effects of the Tamoxifen)

3. Vitamin D (again, I am deficient about 2300ml)

4. Xyzal (another anti-histamine, to keep the hives at bay (didn't I mention I was allergic to myself?))

5. Ambien (when I need to sleep in my pot holders)

My pot holders?
Yup, pot holders. Because my lymph nodes were removed (during the cancer surgery) I have some swelling in my left arm and in my left breast. The lymph nodes are our own person trash system, so my trash system is gone and there is no where for the extra fluid in my arm or breast to go and swelling can occur. You can see this in the post entitled "Frankenboob" I had compression sleeves made for me to compresses the areas to keep swelling down, and they way they are sewn will move the fluid up out of my harm and to my other lymph systems. They are bulky, but are a godsent when I feel like I am swelling (or for an insect bite on my left arm)

The only true way to understand is to see them for yourself...

The grey pad wrappes around my under arm (called a swell spot).

I know... Sexy huh?

So this is my normal... My new normal. Is it different? Yes.
Is it horrible? No.
Just... a New Normal :-)

It really isn't so bad. I am still so grateful for my life, for my family and yes... Even for my health.

2011-04-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

This year, I'll be participating in a very special event called the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure.

I'll walk 60 miles over the course of three days with thousands of other women and men. Net proceeds from the 3-Day for the Cure fund innovative global breast cancer research and local community programs supporting education, screening and treatment. Virtually every major advance in the fight against breast cancer in the last 28 years has been impacted by a Komen for the Cure grant.

I've agreed to raise at least $2,300 in donations. I've set my personal goal at $2500. So I need your help. Would you please consider making a donation of $100? Keep in mind how far I'm walking - and how hard I'll have to train. You can give online at The3Day.org. Just follow the link below to visit my personal fundraising webpage and make a donation. You can also call 800-996-3DAY to donate over the phone.

Two years ago, I received the call that I had breast cancer. I don't want any other woman to get that call....

Somewhere in the world, a woman dies from breast cancer every 69 seconds. That's why I'm walking so far. To do something bold about breast cancer. I hope that you'll share this incredible adventure with me - by supporting me in my fundraising efforts.

Surgery, Chemo, then radiation... 60 miles? I can do that!

Thank you in advance for your generosity!

Sincerely,

Laurie Jo

Captain of Team LJ

P.S. Ask your employer if they will double your donation through a matching gift program!

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2011/WashingtonDCEvent2011?px=4822370&pg=personal&fr_id=1623

Thank you to Luke for making my Mascot!!! (seen at the top of this post)

Crash Squad

2010-11-19T12:24:00.001-08:00

In my life I have had some pretty crappy scares! And my fight has been hard, scary, tiring and yet sometimes comical. But recently I have had someone introduced into my life that has gotten me off my couch, gotten me out of me out of my head, and has in a way helped get me in the best shape that I have been for at least 15-20 years. Would you like to meet her?

Her name is Rachel Aspen and her voice… is mine!

Let me explain… A few months back I received an email from an old high school friend of mine. We were in the drama club together, I don’t get to see her very much, but recently had touched base again (due to the wonderful New Kids on the Block concert). Do you all remember Birgitte?

She is standing next to me on my left (and of course any excuse to put in a picture of NKOTB)

Well, Birgitte emailed me and explained how her husband has a hobby of computer animation and would I be willing to audition to voice a character on his show called Crash Squad?

Uh… yeah! And so it began!! I received my scripts and found out more about the character that was to have my voice. Her name is Rachel Aspen. In the words of Luke Newman, Crash Squad's creator... “Beautiful...silent...deadly. Sergeant Rachel Aspen is possibly the most lethal member of the entire C-Squad.” I cannot tell you how excited I was to try out to be this girl!! So I showed up (nervous as all get-out), my first line of the night was me yelling, “DCPD!! Open up!!!” Oh I felt the thrill and excitement of not only being part of this team, but also surprising Mike (who does sound) and having him pull off his punisher ear phones. He was not expecting me to yell. Ha-ha!!! So, in the end, I did get the part and get to share my every other Thursday evening with a bunch of characters (both computer animated and human).

So how does Aspen help get me in shape and help me to feel better about myself? Well right now we are in Luke’s basement doing some voice over work, but hopefully in the future, the series will be bought, put on TV and I have to start to think about my Comi-Com appearances right? Well if you play Sergeant Rachel Aspen with the Delta City Police Department you have GOT to have it going on!!! Ha-ha!!

So thank you Birgitte for the email, Luke for the audition and the entire Crash Squad crew for the acceptance!!! I am having such a friggin’ blast!!!

Have I got your curious?? Check out the blog and you can see snippets that Luke has put together! AWESOME!!!

http://thursdaynightstudios.wordpress.com/

Also, check us out on Facebook too!!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/MADHouse-Studios/142457458892

Otrib...

2010-11-05T09:24:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone,
This is a very sad blog for me... In July of this year, I had found out that one of my chemo sisters passed away... Her name was Wanda Williams and she was beautiful. To me she was strength, love, compassion and beauty all rolled into the perfect woman... http://http//boobiegate.blogspot.com/2009/08/what-cancer-looks-like.html

What kills me the most is that I received an email from her in April here is what it said...

Hello My Chemo Buddies,
I guess we have been thinking of one another because its been our 1 year anniversary. Well, so far I'm also clean. I have a bilateral mammo tomorrow. I made it through radiation with very little issues. But a week after my 40th birthday (February 13), I came down with SHINGLES.
No one told me it could happen, but my general physician and Dr Hendricks said is was pretty normal for cancer patients.

Now that the neuralgia is disappearing, I can start training for the Avon Walk. My hair has come back, even got my first haircut on Sunday. It is a different texture from what I had before, but I'm loving it. I hope to see you all soon.You all truly made this horrible experience wonderful. I couldn't have made it without you!!!!

Miss you,Wanda

She died in May... I didn't find out until July... JULY!!! How can that be?? I was getting facebook status' from her on people donating to her 3 day walk total??? So I went on her facebook page and found out that site automatically generated status updates when someone donated to her... I was shocked, and beyond belief saddened. I didn't know her well, but she helped get me through the toughest period of my life and I loved her....

I just couldn't help thinking, if I only had read her facebook status, if I would have only known... It pains me even now how fast she was struck w/ a recurrence and none of her chemo "sisters" knew. So when I received notice from Bzzz Agent (it is a company that allows me to sample new products for me feedback) that they were opening a campaign for "Otrib" I had to sign up.

You can visit Otrib.com and it allows you to post your wishes and make a tribute page to someone you have lost. I thought it was a great idea especially having experienced this this past year. Check it out.

Race for the Cure 2010

2010-10-15T05:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, Okay.. I am a bad blogger. It has been two weeks since the Race for the cure and I am just now getting a chance to write about it. I don't think I have to worry about bad charma... Already got the cancer (hahaha).

The Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Baltimore was two weeks earlier than last year. Thank goodness, if you all remember, last year there was friggin' snow on the ground for the race!! This year it was a little chilly but wonderful running weather... And that is what I did, I ran!!

I had been training since July (???) for this race. I have an app on my Ipod for Couch to 5K (a.k.a. C25K) and every other day (3 times a week) I would pop my earphones in turn on my playlist, and do whatever the very pleasant woman would tell me too.

"Welcome to Couch to 5K"

"Warm up now" (five minutes)

"Run now"

"Walk now"

"Run now"

"Half way" (This is where I would turn around and start my return)

"1 more minute" (This is where I am normally gasping for breath and friggin' relieved)

"Cool Down" (Normally, this is where I throw my arms in the air in triumph)

"Work out Complete" I am normally back at my front door.

It really is a great program, if you can stick to it. Week 4 is a bitch (fair warning). The first week has you running and walking intervals which are 60 seconds and 90 seconds respectively. Then they work you up to a complete run. I was up to week 8 (running 28 minutes without stopping) when the race came up (there are 9 weeks total). I am still working on week 9 (30 minutes of running without stopping).

The day of the race I was so excited!!! I opted out of the survivor parade this year (too early, and the "parade" is the length of a parking lot). But got my butt out there for the race. This year I was determined to run the 5K, I had two partners in crime on this journey....

Meg and Heather

We all met in the lobby of the hotel that we were staying at, and then walked to the race.

We got there as the race started.

Putting Megs bib on her back. (That is running lingo for her number (aren't' you so impressed with me?)

;-)

Team LJ this year had a group of walkers too! Bridget came with her husband and their two kids from New York to be with us. Also, my hubby and girls were walking as well.

We had all made a pact to run together in the beginning, but if we lost each other during the race, that that was okay, we would hook back up at the end. We lost Heather early on in the race. Meg stayed by my side for the entire race (I personally think that she could have gone faster and passed my butt, but she stayed with me, encouraging me through the entire race). I was hoping that the race would be flat, but no... There were hills that weren't steep so much as they were LONG. At one point Meg told me to put on the song that made me push, that made me want to go for it. As the song on my playlist started (The Fray's "You Found Me"), Meg started singing out loud something about "Licking you from your head to your toes" and "Chocolate make it melt" ???!!! (Later finding out the song was "What's Your Fantasy" by Ludacris). I decided I need to use her playlist (hahahha).

At the two mile marker I we walked for maybe a tenth of a mile and started back up running. Then walked one more time two-tenths before the 3 mile marker, then finished the race at 3miles to the finish!!

I had never run that far (in my adult years). The announcer pulled me over to tell him my name (as a survivor, we were announced as we came in) and I was told to go down the survivor line, which was basically a line of volunteers to high five all the way down. (note: couldn't they have done this at the beginning of the race?? I just wanted to be finished!! Now I have to run through a line of people too??? Didn't you all JUST see me run a 5K)

By the end, I was in tears, met up with Meg and we cried and hugged. Okay so emotions came over me. We waited for Heather and cheered for her as she passed as well!

This was us after the race.

Once we were finished and had gone through Race Village we had some lunch, went back to the hotel to visit with Bridget and her family. Here are some pics.

Then we headed out... The ride home was a quiet one....

In the end, Team LJ had 12 Team Members, and raised $2,210.00!! Thank you so much to all those that walked, run, supported, donated and/or registered!!! I wish I could put into words how much your love has meant to me!!!

Go Team LJ!!!!

Army of Women

2010-10-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

We are dedicating ONE day to reach ONE million women to sign up for the Army of Women by declaring October 1, 2010 the official Army of Women Day. We beseech all bloggers to blog about the Army of Women and empower women to take the next step by signing up and taking part in breast cancer research studies. Together, we can move breast cancer beyond a cure and eradicate it once and for all.

http://www.armyofwomen.org/

I have signed up. You can sign up for breast cancer research studies even if you have never had breast cancer. Help us to find out why some of us get it, and why some of us don't.

October 1 kicks of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I will be sporting my pink everyday and honoring those have have survived, who are fighting and those we have lost.

My love to all the families struggling with this disease and who have struggled.

Help me make a difference!!!

Me at my first Race for the Cure

Year 2 for Team LJ!!!

2010-08-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

Please join Team LJ (on our 2nd year) and
Susan G. Komen for the Cure
As we Race For a Cure on
Sunday October 03, 2010
Hunt Valley, Maryland
Let's get started!!!

Sign up!! Register online at http://www.komenmd.org/ under our team name today! Your friends, family members and neighbors are invited to be part of the "Team LJ" team too. Please ask them to go online and register and be sure they choose Team LJ under "team name".
Fundraise!! Tell your family, friends and neighbors about the Komen Maryland Race for the Cure and ask them to help by making a contribution to your personal fundraising page online. Or, they can write a check or money order to Komen Maryland. Strive to ask 10 friends for $10 to help us reach our team goal of $2,500.00 in the fight against breast cancer. Every dollar makes a difference.

Race/Walk! Have a great time at the Race with Team LJ and enjoy a day filled with hope, love, encouragement, entertainment, fun and a LOT of pink!! It will be fun for racers and walkers of all ages.

Feel Proud! After the walk, fell the pride and satisfaction that comes form knowing you were part of the largest world-wide effort to help find a cure for breast cancer.

Contact Team LJ today for more information!!

REMEMBER - Sunday, October 03, 2010

YOUR REGISTRATION FEE GET US TO THE START LINE. YOUR DONATIONS GET US TO THE CURE!

One Year Ago Today...

2010-08-18T05:12:00.001-07:00

One year ago today, I didn't know how long I would have with my children. One year ago today, I was exhausted. One year ago today, my skin was burnt and bloody that I thought scarring was immanent. One year ago today, I had my last radiation treatment. It feels like it was just yesterday, but at the same time it also feels like years ago. It was a very hard ride last year and I just wanted to say thank you.

So many of you helped me through my fight (if you knew it or not), whether it be through love, support, comments, commiseration, humor, a smile, or just a plain reality check.

Today I am cancer free. Today I feel better than I have in at least 10 years. Today, I am a survivor, a warrior. But I could not have done it without the support of all of you. So from the bottom of my heart...

Thank you,

Who Would Have Thought??

2010-06-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

In May back in 1999, I walked in the Relay For Life, the 24 hour cancer walk.

My walking time was sometime in the wee hours of the night (or the morning, which ever you prefer). I have the image etched in my brain of walking around the Lompoc High School track with my friend Tracie looking at the luminaries along the track. These luminaries were the only things lighting the track, all the lights had been turned off. On each luminary was the name of someone who lost their life to cancer or a survivor. I will never forget walking along that track trying to read each name... Bag after bag, "In Memory of....", "In Honor of...", "In Memory of..." and so on. As each bag lit my way, I wanted to read each name. Be it a morbid curiosity or the thought I couldn't believe the strength it must have taken every survivor, every person that lost their life to fight everyday. Maybe just reading their names, if only to myself, would honor those warriors. It was an emotional night for me and I didn't even know any of the names. That was the first and last Relay for Life I did, yet I remember that night as if it was yesterday. Funny how some memories are gone forever and some you never forget.

One of my baby mommas, Shannon, does the walk up in Massachusetts every year. She is doing it this weekend. She sent me a text last night....

That is the my luminary her children made for me....

Who would have thought huh? That someone would be walking the track in the wee hours of the morning, reading the names on the bags... And read my name. Thank you Shannon for thinking of me and thank you to Christian, Maddy and Nathaniel for helping your Mommy color it. It meant so much to me that you honor me with all those other fighters whose bags are lit to light your way as you walk. I love you all.

One year ago on June 4th, I had my last chemo treatment...

Wow...

This past year has just been a blur... From chemo to radiation, radiation to healing, heeling to a total hysterectomy, a total hysterectomy to healing....

Somewhere along the line, I got better. I got healthy.

I guess I am just at a loss for words. This is a journey I wish no other woman to go through. This is a club, I don't want anyone else to join. But every day more woman join the ranks... More mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, nieces, friends join the breast cancer club. But in this journey I found strength in my family, in my friends, in perfect strangers. From my absolutely loving husband to the woman I met at the PT office that took time to tell me where I could find a good wig... If I could light a luminary with everyone of your names, I would. Then I would walk on the lit up track in the wee hours of the night and say your name to honor you.

I truly love you all.

BoobieGate Update

2010-04-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

April 11, 2010

I know... What a bad blogger I am! I don’t think that I have put in my post-op appointment with Dr. B. So… Here is it is.

I had been doing really good, healing really well. My work gave the option to work from home, so I started coding from home the day after I got back from the hospital. It was nice to keep my mind on something else, and to feel at least useful during my healing. I thought I was doing REALLY good, considering that I had no menopausal symptoms for the first week and a half. But then I guess that I had used up all my estrogen in reserve, because about a week and a half after surgery, I started to have hot flashes, emotional breakdowns, horrible vivid nightmares, and I mustn’t forget the insomnia. I stopped taking my naps during the day, just so I would be tired enough to go to sleep at night. The good news was that I had to come off my Tamoxofin for 5 days after the surgery, it can cause blood clots, and during the 5 days I was off it, my hives went away!! I didn’t realize it until I noticed that I had forgotten to take my Xyzal (anti-histamine) for about a week, and there were no more hives!!

Two weeks after my surgery, I went back to Dr. B office for my first post-op. I hadn’t heard anything about my test results yet, which I was HOPING meant that there was good news (no news is good news right?) So my mom and dad (who were still here) drove me down to Bethesda and my mom and I went back with Dr. B. Dad stayed up front in the waiting room. Dr. B checked me out inside and out, and said that I was “healing beautifully” I got to see the pictures of the surgery and the size of my cyst (warning, I am posting for you curious lookers, please avert your eyes for the squeamish).

She said that everything looked great, that everything was normal it was just a large mass with maroon-ish blood in it. Since they took the ovaries, tubes and uterus, they would not be going in to take out anything else. My mom at that point started crying…. Relief!
We left there soon after and had Chipotle!

Mom and Dad stayed through the weekend and left the next Monday, and I cannot thank them enough for helping me with the children, taking care of me, driving me around and of course feeding my Starbucks kick!!

I went back to work 4 weeks after surgery (April 7th) and went to dance the day after that. Yes, I was careful, but I am so over being sick!! I am tired of “not being able to do anything”, of having limitations. I wish I could have one day (just one) that I don’t remember I had cancer. I have to wear special “gear” to bed, so my breast doesn’t swell. I still have a rash on my left breast that will not go away; I have the scar that I have to massage so it doesn’t collect more fluid. I have to take a medication in the morning and one at night. Because of all these things, it is impossible for me to forget, or to just not remember for a single day that I had cancer. I feel sometimes that it is a heavy wind, whipping around me trying to blow me over and keep me down.

So yes I went to dance! Probably too early, but it is the only place that pointing my foot, making sure I am turned out, and making sure that I am not putting weight on my heel, squashes the cancer thoughts. It is the one place where I am Laurie Jo of old. The dance studio is the one place where I feel healthy and strong.

Okay, enough of that rant… I have decided to make an appointment with Dr. K (my original Oncologist). She is now in Washington DC, which means I have to take the Metro down to see her, but I am told it is a nice ride and I get to relax and read on the train (which I am excited about, I have a Harry Potter book to finish). I will see her on Wednesday and at that time we will discuss everything that has gone on with in the couple of months I haven’t seen her, and we will discuss what changes we are going to make with my med. I think she will take me off the Tamoxifen and give me a post menopausal drug, and I believe my hives are slowly making there way back, so I am pretty confident that I was/am allergic to the Tamoxifen. I might even get another anti-depressant to help with the hot flashes. I just want to sleep again!!

Down.. But Not Out

2010-03-16T17:43:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone.

I might be down for a few weeks, but everyday I feel a little better.

I am working from home for the next four weeks and taking care of myself. I am doing well, but get tired easily, and sitting upright does hurt after a while. So I am trying to take naps when I am done with work. I haven't had any hot flashes or menopause symptoms yet. I am so excited about that, but just waiting for them to come. I started taking my Tamoxifen again last night. I hope it doesn't make it start. Maybe my body feels better with no estrogen! Hahahaha.

I still cannot lift for 6 weeks and it is really hard on my girls (especially Natalie who wants me to hold her all the time). But it is getting better.

So far no news from Dr. B on my test results, I think she might wait until my first post-op appointment next week. But I guess no news is good news in this case.

My love to everyone!!

It's B-9!!

2010-03-11T07:42:00.000-08:00

I am now sitting in my hospital room in the recliner. I am still in a little pain but hoping that it will subside soon. Yesterday went really well, so I will tell you what I remember....

Chris and I got to the hospital about 6:30 am for my 7am check in. Everyone was really nice and I was brought back to pre-op rather quickly. I got my gown on and some pretty mesh panties (sarcasm) cause of course the day before my uterus is removed, it decided to start my period. I guess it just wanted one more hurrah before it was removed. Anyway, once dressed a nurse came in and got my IV in one try (in my hand) then I met a few nurses that would be helping prep me. Nickie and Joe (Chris' parents) came got to the hospital first, then my parents came after dropping both girls off at daycare. So all 6 of us were there when they came to get me. Only three could follow me back to the pre-pre-op?? So Chris, Nickie and my Mom came with me.

There I met with Dr. B who would be doing the surgery, Beth who was going to be her PA, Jan the nurse (who reminded me of Christina Yang from Grey's Anatomy) and my anesthesiologist. I don't remember her name but she was AWESOME!! She gave me a sedative before getting rolled over to the operating room and I kissed my family good bye. I remember looking into the operating room, but I don't remember going in the room or moving to the OR bed. IT WAS GREAT!!

I woke up hearing that the cyst was benign and everything went very nicely. I don't know if the nurses were talking about me, but I was praying that they were. After about an hour they brought Chris back with my Mom, then my Dad, Nickie and Joe. Chris stuck around until they had brought me to my room (about 4:30pm). The mass was benign and everything did got well.
Even though the mass was benign, Dr. B still took both ovaries, tubes and uterus. Which is what we agreed upon. I was so relieved to hear that it all looked good. Now, all my parts will be sent to a pathology lab and they will test everything they took out. I will find out in about a week the complete results but everything says it looks good.

Once in my room I was able to have more clear fluids (yuck) and had a wonderful nurse, JoAnne. Chris left about 6:15pm so he could put the girls in bed, and then Dani (my BFF) came up to stay with me until about 10pm. I got to chat with my Baby Mommas online for about 30 minutes then I went to sleep.

This morning I got to eat real food!! And Dr. B came in and said that everything went really well, and that I made a good decision on both ovaries cause my right had a mass starting to grow there too!! So a good decision was made by all.

I am getting ready to eat my second solid food meal (lunch), my Mom and Dad are on their way to pick me me up to bring me home.

I am so grateful that everything turned out well. I know I still have a bumpy road coming up (with the flash menopause and no hormones), and 4 weeks of recovery, but today I just feel the relief of being cancer free!!!

Thank you for all your support and prayers.... They worked!!!

My Ovarian Meeting

2010-02-25T08:40:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

I saw Dr. B today (the Gyno/Onco). She is very nice (and very petite). She first read through my history and then asked me some questions. Then did a pelvic exam (just in case the mass was gone....) No, it was still there. But she did say that it was palpable (movable) and did not seem to be stuck to anything (that is a good sign). Then Chris and I went into her office and we had our "options" discussion....

Okay Here are my notes (well the Dr. notes she wrote for me)

Options.

Conservative Options (this is where they find no cancer in the testing).

These will be attempted as laproscopic.

Remove just Left ovary (and mass) and tube. If the frozen sections (of the mass) tested is benign, they stop, close up and I'm done. (outpatient)

Remove both ovaries (and mass) and tubes. If the frozen section tested and benign, they stop, close up and I'm done, (outpatient)

Remove both ovaries (and mass), tubes, and uterus, if frozen section tests benign and they stop, close up and I'm done. (over night stay)

The recovery for #1 and #2 are about 2-4 weeks, the recovery for #3 is 4 weeks.

If the frozen section comes up malignant or borderline (if it is borderline then there are atypical cells and she will treat it as malignant because of my BC history).All bets are off....

She will have to make a vertical cut into my abdomen (like an emergency C-section) and she will have to remove all the reproductive organs and lympnodes and another organ called an the omentum. It is the fatty tissue that works like an apron on your organs. That is 2-3 nights in the hospital and a 6 week recovery.

Of course if it is cancer, it depends on what kind of cancer, if it is new or secondary on what kind of chemo I will need, no radiation.

She recommends since I am HIGHLY estrogen receptive that I remove both my ovaries at least.

She is hoping that my surgery can happen on March 10, I am waiting on the scheduler now.
This is exactly what I thought it would be. So I had been talking my self into the ovary removal for the past week. She said the hot fashes will be HORRIBLE and she will probably have to put me on something for them (more happy pills).

My meds will change cause I won't need the tamoxifen anymore, I will need the meds for post menopausal women.

Chris and I had pretty much agreed that I had to get both ovaries taken out. It took me a week to come to grips with that decision. Then I was talking on the phone with my mom on the way home one day this week. She said that she doesn't just see why I don't get the uterus taken out as well, and I quote, "Laurie Jo, it is just a bag wafting around in there waiting to get sick. The hard part are your ovaries, since they are coming out, why not the bag..." You got to love the way my mom puts things huh?

So I have been debating getting the uterus taken out...

Pluses...

Nothing else to get sick.
It is a baby basket for the most part, and with out ovaries there will never be a baby in there anymore.
Get it all done at one time and hopefully it will be the last time I'm cut.

Minuses...

They are going to have to cut off the cervix and then stitch up the vaginal canal, is it going to be shorter? Will it hurt to have sex?

So far I am leaning towards the uterus too right now, but I got back and forth. I don't have to make a final decision until my pre-op appointment that will be after they schedule the surgery.

So I am going to really push on praying and hoping this thing is normal and not malignant or atypical.

Are you Serious??? Ovary-Gate?

2010-02-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

This has been a whirl wind two weeks. It started on Monday, Feb 15 (2010). I am not going to post this until I get more news (hopefully good) or at least my options. So here is the breakdown of the past couple weeks.

Back when I had my PET CT, they had found that my ovary had lit up a little, causing a little concern for my Oncologist. (Lighting up means could contain a cancer mass). So I was sent to for a pelvic ultrasound. They found what looked like a simple cyst, so they had me come back in a couple of months. At the second ultrasound the left cyst was gone, and there was a right cyst.

NOTE: This is very normal in a menstruating women since the ovaries release eggs it can cause a simple cyst that gets absorbed back into the body.

So when I met with Dr. K the last time, she told me that when I go for my yearly "Well Woman" visit, that I should ask for another pelvic ultrasound. So Monday I finally got around to doing it. That is where our story starts....

Monday, February 15, 2010

I was called back with a FULL bladder (which is required) by the ultrasound tech. She was very nice and she had actually done both my previous ultrasound, although I don't think she remembered me. So she did her exam and told me that I do have a couple of cyst in my right ovary, they looked simple. In my left I had a complex cyst, with solid and mass in it. Nothing to get excited over, probably a hemorrhagic cyst or an egg that didn't release. She would probably see me again soon, to check on it and see if it was still there in a few weeks (4-6 weeks).

"And by the way," she asked me, "Are you in much pain?"

"Pain? No... Should I be?" I asked perplexed.

"Well it is kinda big and I am surprised you are not in pain."

"Nope, this uterus has held a 10 pound kid, no pain here."

I got dressed and left. That night I got a call from one of the Midwives from my OB/GYN practice. She told me that the radiologist had called her and I had an enlarged left ovarian mass. She then proceeded to tell me the same stuff the tech did, so I wasn't shocked, just a little worried that the Radiologist felt the need to call my midwife instead of just sending the report. But in the end my midwife said that due to my breast cancer history, she cannot help me with this, and I should follow up with my Oncologist (I know, kind of a crappy time for Dr. K to leave the practice huh?). And before she hung up?

"So are you in a lot of pain?" She asked me.

"Nope, none at all. Why?" I asked.

"It's rather big, and I thought you would be in some kind of pain."

"Nope."

Tuesday 16, 2010

I called and left a message with Dr. H (My new oncologist) and Vicki (front desk) answered the phone, told me she had the report and would give it to Dr. H for her to review. She would call me back.

I didn't hear back from her on Tuesday, but it is only a complex cyst right? No biggie.

Wednesday 17, 2010

As I was ordering food for my office in Wendy's and of course left my phone in my car. Dr. H called back and left this message...

"Hi Laurie, this is Dr. H____, since Dr. K has left the practice I will be over taking your case. I have read the report from the pelvic ultrasound and you have an 8cm mass on your left ovary. It looks as though it is solid and liquid. We need to a laproscopic procedure to find out what it is. I have called your midwifery practice and there are OB/GYNs on staff. You need to see one of them, not a midwife, to do the procedure and to discuss your options. You should call them as well so they can discuss it all with you and get you an appointment."

Uh.... I listen to the message again. Did she say 8 cm or 8mm, must be 8mm right? NOPE, listen to the message three more times. An 8cm mass on my left ovary.

I called my midwifery practice and spoke with the front desk and she was very nice and had gotten me an appointment for March 4 with her favorite doctor in the practice. I said that was nice, but I think my oncologist wanted to me to be seen before March 4th.

"What was your Oncologist's name again?" I told her. "Hold on one second, that name sounds familiar."

She was gone for about 3 minutes, came back and said, "I just spoke with the Dr. and she already knew who you were and had your report. Unfortunately, she doesn't feel like she could help you, she said you need to see a Gynecology Oncologist."

That cannot be right, an oncologist is for cancer patients!!!!! I know... I already have one.

Then came the kicker... "And she says that you need to be seen ASAP." Well this has gone from bad to worse really quick.

They gave me a name of an Gyno Oncologist. I called Dr. H (my oncologist) and told Vicki what they said, she said gave me another name of a Gyno Oncologist that is the "best of the best" and works very closely with Dr. H. I thanked her and asked her to please fax me my report. "No problem" she said.

She was as true as her word, I walked up to the fax machine and there was my report. I will only quote for you the interesting parts....

Findings:

Blah,blah,blah then... "The left ovary measures 8.0 x 5.8 x 8.4 cm. The left ovary is replaced by a large complex mass which has a 6.8-cm septated cystic component and a 5.7-cm hypoechoic nonvascular component with internal echoes."

Impression:

"...Although this could represent adjacent hemorrhagic/complex cysts, metastatic deposit cannot be fully excluded."

WELL CRAP!!!

I have an appointment with Dr. B (the Gyno-Onco) on Thursday, February 25 at 7:45am, so we can discuss options....

Of course this is all I can think of all day, but gratefully I was feeling a little better about it on my way home when I received a phone call from Sharon one of the midwives in my practice. She wanted to call to just see how I was doing.

"Seriously Sharon, it is that bad?"

"No," she said. I was just wanting to see how you are doing."

"Please," I said laughing, "I haven't heard from y'all in two years (since my baby was born) and you just now feel the need to see "how I'm doing?" Well other than the last two days, I have been great!!!"

"No pain?" she asked (now I get why everyone is asking, I have a mass the size of a grapefruit in my ovary).

"Nope, but let me ask you a question, the report said that the mass has replaced my ovary. Where the hell is my ovary?"

"It is either behind it, or has grown through it."

"So either way," I asked, "I am going to loose my left ovary?"

"I am afraid so," she said. "It is so big, they will need to take it out."

"So my only real question is if I let them take out the other one as well." I asked her.

"Why not just get it done with." She said softly.

"Sharon, thanks for calling." I said, back in my cancer stupor.

"Call me if you need anything, Laurie Jo."

Decisions, Decisions

2010-01-27T19:06:00.000-08:00

I know it has been a little while since my last entry (okay so about a month) but nothing GREAT has been happening. But I wanted to give an update on what is going on so far in 2010.

I had my first MRI since my surgery last year, and it came back clear!! No sign on cancer. I have another mammogram in February. But that is great news (of course).

I have a few issues that still have not resolved from last year...

I am currently still on my anti-histamine (Xyzal) for the hives. I don't think I blogged it, but I am having an allergic reaction to one of my medications. My doctors and I have decided to stop taking the anti-depressant (that help with the hot flashes) since that was the last medication that I started taking. I have been completely off the medication since this past Saturday and (boy can my husband feel it (hahaha)) I will start tapering off the anti-histamine in February and we will see if that was the medication that was causing my hives. I googled the meds and it seems many people have issues with hives on this medication and the hives can last for MONTHS after you stop taking the medication.

I still have an AWFUL rash on my left breast and on my back right where I was radiated. My doctor says that is urticaria (a skin rash) and there is really nothing we can do other than the lotions and meds that I am currently using. But to find out that "wonderful" bit of information they had to do a biopsy on the bottom of my breast, causing my breast to swell and now I have lymphadema in my left breast (I know it just doesn't end does it?)

We are just tackling one item at a time. The hives first...

I also met with Dr. K for the last time yesterday. She is leaving the practice and I had to make the choice to follow her to George Washington University (in DC) or to stay at the practice I am at and see the other doctor. I decided that I would stay cause I know the nurses and the NPs, it is closer, they have my chart and if I follow Dr. K, I will have to drop the clinical trial I am currently on.

But wrapping everything up with Dr. K was not as easy as I had hoped. She recommends that I take an ovulation suppressant (injection) along with my Tamoxifen. She is worried that since I am having regular periods that there is some estrogen that could be feeding rogue cancer cells and thinks this would be good for me. There is no clinical results that say it help against recurrence, but there is positive results of it slowing down and stopping already metastatic cancers. You would think it would be an easy decision right, but the side effects of this medication could be severe. It would shut down my ovaries until I go into menopause myself, causing me to have all the menopause symptoms (hot-flashes, night sweats, depression, exhaustion, memory-loss and many (close your eyes mom and dad) sexual side effects as well) and along with that many people have had bone and joint pain constantly. I just don't know if I want to start this drug with so much going on already in my body and then deal with an injection every 28 days. Yes it could help (and could not) but what will the quality of my life be or my life with my family be the 5-10 years I am on it?

I have decided that I am going to wait until my next appointment (end of April) to speak to my new Dr. and she what she suggests and see if there is a way to test and see if the Tamoxifen is actually doing its job properly (if it is, than why do something else)?

We shall see, but as of right now I am doing okay, nursing a few old issues, but I am alive and have hair, and lets face it, that in itself is a good day!!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

2009-12-22T12:23:00.000-08:00

This year has been a roller coaster for us, it has been one of the longest, shortest and blurriest years of my life. But in all the shock, pain, needles and tests, there were some really wonderful bright spots this year. So, in no particular order...

Seeing my parents for roughly 3 months. Okay so it was to help my husband take care of me and my kids while I had chemo, but my children got close to there "Other" Grandma and Grandpa this year.
Laying down with my girls and them reaching up to rub my bald head, or pulling off my scarf revealing my shiny dome and then proceeding to have it covered with their kisses.
Having a co-worker at another site compliment me on my "fabulous" hair and me whipping it off and handing it to her and told her if she liked it she could have it (I found out at that moment she had no clue I had cancer, so I was lucky she didn't have a heart attack!)
Having my family's pictures taken one chilly Monday morning to document how beautiful life with cancer could be (thank you Emily).
Meeting the most brave and wonderful women I have ever had the privilege meeting in the chemo suite and continuing a friendship that helps me cope on so many levels (thank you Penny).
The countless hours of wonderful conversations with my chemo companions during the hours of infusion.
Having an online group of women (my Baby Mommas) that not only kept me going each week during chemo with cards, gifts, surprise visits and for them to come together with my family and friends for my first breast cancer walk. You women were so supportive and wonderful, words cannot describe how much you all mean to me and how I will never repay your kindness.
My in-laws who offered to help if needed (and we did) and are treating us to a week of warm weather and a bikini.
Who could forget being on the radio (98 Rock) and being given a meet and greet with New Kids On the Block. Finally meeting Jordan Knight (at one of the 3 NKOTB concerts I went to this year) Thank you SO much Meg!!
My husband, Chris, who laid with me when I ached, when I cried, when my hair fell out, forever telling me that I was beautiful and he loved me and who promised me that I would live through it and it would make us stronger (I did and it has).
Being able to party at my last chemo treatment and getting a tiara that I still will where today.
Getting my first clear mammogram back after my all of my treatments and finally feeling like I could finally exhale.

Thank you all to those that have read this blog and thought of my family and me on this journey. I know that this year was rough, but I have a suspicion that next year will be great... I mean hell it couldn't get much worse right!!! Hahahaha

I always loved this quote, but it never fit as well as it does now...

"May the best of your yesterdays, be the worst of your tomorrows"

Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Year!

Just a Rash??!!

2009-12-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

Yup, I finally got my biopsy results in and hold on to your boots everyone... It is just a rash (brought on by what the dermatologist feels is one of my medications). He suggests just stopping it (the medication)...

That is ingenious since he doesn't know which one is causing it... Should I stop taking the drug that is stopping the cancer from coming back. Or maybe the one that helps my bones so that my cancer doesn't metastasise in my bones... Or stop taking the one that allows me to take the other ones that save my life.... Hmmm... Decisions, decisions.

Well as of right now the antihistamine that he gave me has the rash almost gone, so I will continue to take that through into the new year, and then we will experiment on my medicines. Now if anyone can just let me know what I can do about my swollen boob, I would appreciate it!!

The Frankenstein Boob (Adult Content)

2009-12-16T06:04:00.001-08:00

I had an appointment with my Oncologist and she was very distraught about the rash on my breast and back (in the exact locations of my radiation). So she wanted my dermatologist to do a skin biopsy on my left breast to find out what it was, a reaction to one of my medications, a simple rash, psoriasis or possible a recurrence of the breast cancer in nodule form. The last one freaked me out a bit, but she said that it would be a rare occurrence so I should be too worried.

What worried me is that if I'm not suppose to get blood taken or blood pressure in my left arm, how are you doing to do a breast biopsy? Well he did and that weekend my breast swelled up!

I believe I officially have (what my sister has coined as) a Frankenstein boob! Between the scarring, the stitch (for the biopsy) and the swelling, it is not attractive.

I saw my oncologist on Monday and she said she thinks it is cellulitis (an infection of the skin) and gave me an antibiotic to take for a week and let her know if it goes down after that. If not I might have to have a breast massage??!! done. Oh that just sounds awkward....

So here is a picture of my left breast (obviously bigger than my right) I like to call it my Franken-boob.

Mommy's New Boo-Boo

2009-11-30T10:04:00.000-08:00

Oh wow!!!

So I wanted to update you all on how my scar revision went.

It went GREAT!!!

Dr. Singh (yes I gave his last name) is great! He did have to use a lot of Lidocaine, but it was good and he was so nice and thorough. Chris was even aloud to stay in the room with me (as long as he sat down) hahaha.

Dr. Singh did 3 layers of stitches (2 for strength and a last layer for looks).

Even bruised, it looks pretty good.

I am trying to keep it covered, but I am pretty much painless and it is only 5 days later!

It went from this....

To this!! Yeah!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2009-11-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

Wow!! Another Thanksgiving done.

After this roller coaster year that my family has had, I thought it would be good for me to include some of the things I am thankful for (in no particular order...)

I am thankful for my health... That after this year's surgery, chemo, radiation and sickness, I am alive and (for the most part) healthy.

I am thankful for my children who loved me when I was sick, who loved me when I was bald, and who love me all the time and call me the "BEST MOMMY EVER!!"

I am so thankful to my husband who has taken such good care of me. Who is so wonderful with our kids and such a great father.

I am thankful that God saw fit to only let me see my breast cancer now, so that I was able to have my children and husband that I am so thankful for.

I am thankful to my family, who took time out of their lives this year to take care of me and my family, who put their entire lives a side to make sure that I could get through this.

I am thankful for all my friends who prayed for us, who sent me inspirational, loving and sometimes funny cards while I struggled.

I am thankful to my Baby Mammas who have blessed my life in so many ways and who found time during their busy lives to make sure that I know every week that I was not alone.

And I am just so thankful to be living... To be hear for everyone that needs me.

So please look at the people in your life and give them a hug and kiss from me. Be thankful that you have this day to have with them.

Mommy's Boo-Boo

2009-11-24T11:58:00.001-08:00

When I had my port in for my chemo, Natalie (my baby) use to rub the back of her head against it when she sat on my lap. Did it hurt? Yes!! But for some reason she would always do it. When the port was removed, I was left with a thick scar with two keloids that were bumpy. Definitely NOT attractive.

But the funny thing is now that the port is gone, Natalie will sit on my lap and pull open my shirt (just to reveal the scar) and touch it and say, "Mommy boo-boo?" "Yes, Mommy boo-boo," I would respond. Then she would do it again, and again, and again.... Needless to say, this could go on for a good half hour. But after she was done, she would put her head down on my chest, so her temple was on my scar and she would rub her head back and forth.

So what is she going to do when I get it removed?

It is the last part of the cancer that still hurts. My breast is healed, my lymph node incision is healed. Only my port scar looks unsightly and still hurts due to all the scar tissue. So tomorrow (the day before Thanksgiving) I am going to have the scar removed with a plastic surgeons. It is an outpatient procedure and it should be pretty quick. I am not looking forward to the pain of the initial lidocaine shots, but I am looking forward to not having my "boo-boo" anymore.

I wonder what Natalie will do when Mommy's boo-boo is gone? Do you think she will ever forget the scar, or look for it for years to come?

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure - Part 2

2009-10-26T17:49:00.000-07:00

October 18, 2009

"Breast Cancer is rain on a winter's night; closing in and freezing hope.As Race Day approached the chill of defeat could be felt in the steady rain.Would the dark and cold extinguish the flame that is the heart of our cause?Never! Because of you!Thirty-thousand people turned dark to light, cold to warm, and rain to tears of joy.You were the miracle of the morning.We will find a cure!" -from the Susan G. Komen website.

The Survivor Parade and walk...

We woke up at 5:00 am on Sunday October 17, 2009. After taking a shower and getting ready I woke up my best friend Daniella and my two girls (who were doing just fine sleeping in their beds). I put on my pink wig and went down stairs.

Me and Daniella (Dani)

I met up with some of the girls down stairs, three Baby Mommas came with me.

Meg and Mackenzie

Diana and Delaney and Heather A. and Grant
As we (my girls, Daniella, Baby Mommas and I) were getting ready to go outside we noticed not only was it rainy, but it had snowed as well. Yes honest to goodness friggin' SNOW!!! So the 10 of us started out 5 block journey to the walk.

We got there about 6:30am and found my Mother and Father in-law (Nickie and Joe) and two family friends (Kay and her daughter Kim). I was so touched that there were so many that braved the weather to come be with me for the survivor parade. We finally got out of the rain and into the survivor tent when it was time for the survivor parade.

I got in line with my double stroller (Aubrey and Natalie were bundled up and ready to do some waving). The parade of pink (and multi-colored coats) started and my family and friends were lining down the row to see me and witness my successful journey through cancer. As I saw my family and friends cheering for me, my girls waved and smiled. For me I think I was so worried about my girls, whether they were warm enough and not hitting anyone with my stroller that I really didn't think about my past year. But I also think that it is still a little to close to the surface to open that up.

After the short parade around race village, we all got together to take a survivor picture. At this point Nickie took the stroller so I could be in the picture and I could breathe. That was when I started to cry...

After the parade, we still had about an hour before the walk started so we (my group of 10) walked back to the hotel to have some warm breakfast, warm up and meet up with my other baby mommas before started our mile family walk.

Breakfast was great and I was so glad that my family had a chance to spend some time with my Baby Mommas. Then we all bundled back up and walked back to race village to start our walk. One of my friends came earlier and actually waited an hour for us to get our butts back down to the walk so she could walk with us

(thank you so much Heather for waiting).

It was a great (and long) walk and we even got a shout out for Team LJ from the announcer while we were walking.

Natalie all tuckered out after the walk...

Through the wind, rain, and snow we walked for a cure. We walked for friendship and we walked for me, my girls and for anyone else that will get breast cancer.

Team LJ's goal was to have 10 team members and raise $1000.00, with every one's help I had 22 members on my team and we raised $2045.00.

Thank you everyone who had donated to Team LJ, and /or walked with us that wonderfully emotional, cold Sunday morning!!

Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure - Part 1

2009-10-23T08:43:00.001-07:00

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I don’t really know how to start off my walk story…

Should I separate it between walk and play date?

Should I talk about my Baby Mommas then my family?

I guess I will start at the beginning and see where it takes me…

I registered a few months back for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Hunt Valley, MD. I decided to put my own team together, “Team LJ”. My goal was to have 10 team members and $1000.00 in donations. That was my goal… My team took on a life of its own and was one of the most inspirational experiences in my entire life. I cannot think of it right now with out my heart expanding out of my chest and tearing up.

I had invited all my Baby Momma’s to join me in my walk. I made into a play date for all of our almost-two year olds. To my great surprise, there was 8 that were going me make the trip (2 from Texas, 2 from New York, 1 from Chicago, 1 from Michigan, 1 from Minnesota and 1 from Virginia). I was so excited. 4 of these women I had met before (Bridget, Sharon, Heather A. and Meg had met up the year before for a play date). But Diana, Tammy, Ari, and Leanne I was going to meet for the first time (although we had been online talking for over 2 ½ years).

We were all going to meet up at the Embassy Suites in Hunt Valley on Saturday. Meg picked up Tammy and her daughter Lauren at Dulles airport and came to my house and had lunch before we left for the hotel. My oldest, Elizabeth ended up sick that morning so Chris (my husband) stayed home with her and I took my 4 year old and 1 year old the hour trip to the hotel. As I unpacked, my best friend Daniella came in (she was staying the night in my room so we could leave early the next day for the walk). Then I received a text from Meg that they were all coming down into my room. I opened the door to meet these wonderful women that gave me the support and strength during this battle. I smiled as I saw the women walk up to me with their children. I had seen pictures of all of them before and beautiful pictures of their children so it was really like meeting an old friend.

As I turned around to close the door, a little boy walked into my room. I got worried cause I didn’t want him to lose his mommy, but then another child walked in, and another. I recognized these children; these were the children of my other Baby Mommas. I looked up and saw 12 out of our 17 mommies standing out side my hotel room!!! Unbeknownst to me, they had all gotten together and decided that they wanted to be with me when we walked, be with me while we played and they took, cars, plains, trains from all over the United States to support me this weekend. I cried…

These were the women that had set up a support group for me; they had all taken a week during my chemo treatments to send me gifts, cards, their love and support. And these women were going to be walking beside me during the walk. To me there could be nothing more fitting than that.

But their surprise had not ended there…
Mary Carole (from Kentucky) came over to me and said that she had wished that she gotten my present finished while I was going to go through chemo, but now she was so happy that she could give it to me herself.

It was a beautiful Pink Ribbon quilt, and along the edge had handprints from our 17 babies. Natalie’s were in the center of the quilt and the pink ribbon. Each child had their name embroidered under their handprints. At first I thought they were all the same, but as I looked at them, they were all different sizes and Mary Carole told me that she had messaged my husband and he had gotten Natalie’s handprints traced and sent them to, like all the other mommies. So they were the real handprints of the babies. I accepted the quilt with the deepest gratitude and the snottiest nose.

Then Tammy stood up and said that they had all wanted to get “Team LJ” shirts and instead of buying them, they were all made and she had made Me, Natalie and Aubrey all shirts. The front said “Team LJ” with a pink ribbon and on the back was our name (mine said “LJ”) and our babies birth number (Natalie was #11). Everyone had a shirt, it was great!!

These women had worked none stop for me since I thought up the play date. We all went downstairs to enjoy the bar and the kids the hotel, and then headed up for some sleep before our early morning for the survivor parade the next morning.

It think I will stop here for this post and do the walk on the next post!!

TEAM LJ!!

Getting Ready for the Walk!!

2009-10-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hi!
This weekend, on Sunday (October 18, 2009) I am going to be joined by some very close family and friends to participate in the Susan G. Komen Race for a cure in Baltimore, MD. I am so excited! I am the captain of Team LJ, so if any of you are there... Look for us, or if you would like to come join us you can register the morning of!

I am so excited cause not only are my family and friends from the area coming, but some HUGE supporters of me and my family are coming as well... You know them as the Baby Mommas!! Yes, there will be 9 Baby Mommas joining me in my walk! They are from all over the US and I cannot believe so many are flying/driving/training in for the walk! I am so touched that so many people (so far 22 in all) will be walking with me (on Team LJ) or have donated to support Breast Cancer awareness.

I will definitely have more to talk about once the weekend is over, but I just wanted to let everyone know how truly blessed I feel for having friends like you!!

Love to all, safe trip and will see some of you this weekend!!

Just an Update!

2009-09-26T06:18:00.001-07:00

Hi!
I know that it has been a few weeks since my last update and I apologize, but I am back to work and crazier than ever!

I had a Doctors appointment with Dr. K (my oncologist) on Monday. 3 Months since my last chemo treatment (crazy!!) She said that I look great. She loves my soft (short) hair. I told her that I haven't been sleeping (due to the Tamoxifen hot flashes), and she gave me two options. I could either take an anti-depressant (low-dose) or a high blood pressure pill. Both seem to counter-act the effects of hot flashes. I chose the anti-depressant (who couldn't use a happy pill right?) but honestly... I don't want to mess with my blood pressure. I asked if I could take a "Tamoxifen Vacation" (where I stop taking it for about a week and then start taking it again (to clear it out of my system). She said that I cannot afford to be without if for any length of time. With my cancer, the Tamoxifen is actually doing more to hold back the cancer then the chemo did (well hell, couldn't we have just put me on that and then I wouldn't have lost my hair!!??)

All in all a good appointment.

Update on me....
I am doing okay, I am catching everything my daughters have (Dr. K says a bad immune system due to chemo for at least a year). So I have a sinus infection, a cold, had pink eye on Tuesday and a weird rash all over my body (I think this is a reaction to the flu vaccine I had Monday). But other than that (hahaha) I am doing okay.

I am trying to feel like myself again. It is amazing how much of yourself you can loose when you have new titles... Wife, mother, employee, cancer patient, now survivor. Don't get me wrong I love all my titles (okay, I could have done with out the cancer patient title) but I wanted to do something that allowed me to be Laurie Jo again. So...

I started dance again. I have ballet class on Monday nights (Adult class) and it is fantastic!! My teacher, Melissa is really awesome! I am felling better (would even more if I could get rid of about 50 lbs), but I love it!! Once cheerleading and marching band is over in November, I am going to also go to a lyrical/jazz class on a different night. It is so wonderful for me to be getting back into this!!

Oh, and for those of you new to me? I started dance when I was 4, took until I was 13 (then moved to MD, where it was uber-expensive) then started back when I was 22 and danced until I was 28. I love it.

So that is what is going on with me.. I hope everyone is doing good and don't forget the Race for the Cure is in Baltimore on October 18!!

GO TEAM LJ!!!

My 6 Month Follow-Up

2009-09-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

September 3, 2009

I met with my surgeon (Dr. A) for my 6 month follow-up today. I brought all my films with me. I they said that they needed the current mammogram films and the prior ones. I didn't know exactly what "prior" they wanted (the ones with the wires hanging out of my boob, or the one before the surgery), so I brought them all.

My appointment was at 9:15am. I sat there with only one other lady. I was called back pretty quick and sat in the room until Dr. A was finished looking at the films (I assume). She came in all smiles and told me that my films looked good. She did a full breast exam for both breasts and then said I looked wonderful and healing very nicely and she would see me in 6 more months.

At that time I would have a bi-lateral (both sides) MRI done and a left sided mammogram.

That was it. Easy - peasy.

Lets hope that that is how all my appointments will go for the rest of my life.

Oh, and my Mom wanted to me to take a picture of my hair growing back....

Me and all my glory...

It is really growing in nicely. Of course it is not as fast, full or curly as I had hoped, but it is coming in.

What Cancer Looks Like...

2009-08-28T08:31:00.001-07:00

August 27, 2009

I got to spend a fantastic day with some fantastic ladies today.

I met Penny and Wanda in the chemo suite. They are such wonderful women, everything you expect from a cancer survivor (strong, vivacious, wonderful, kind and of course beautiful!)

Thursday was there last day of chemo and I wanted to celebrate it with them. It was truly a party!! Everyone brought in food for lunch, sandwiches, turkey roll ups, chips, pretzels, soda, deserts. I brought some white butterfly sugar cookies (homemade) with breast cancer ribbons on them.

The boas were out, the glasses were on and the disco music was playing!!

Three of us had already finished and showed up just to show our support and love!!

And as the music was playing (I believe "YMCA" or "Brickhouse) I teared up, and thought... This is the face of Breast Cancer. Not the sick, the lonely, or sad... It is friendship, support, prayers, love and beautiful baldness!!!!

So to the people who have supported all of us fighters, Thank you.

And to those that are just starting the fight? We might be the good, the bad, and the bald, but we are always the beautiful!!!

I AM DONE!!!

2009-08-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

August 18, 2009

I need to write this day down in my calendar...

I AM FINISHED WITH ALL MY TREATMENTS!!!

Oh and I have one better for you than that.

I had my first cancer follow-up mammogram today (I will switch between mammograms and MRI's every six months for the next 5 years) and I am clear!!! You read that right baby!! I am clear!! No more cancer in these Ta-Tas!!!

Oh I am so excited!!

On Monday (after returning from the lake in PA), I had my treatment and my skin was so raw between my breasts that Sharon, the tech recommend that I see the Doctor. This was a different doctor, she was very nice and invited my two little ones (Chris and my 13 year old were in the waiting room) into the room with me (they were crying for me). Since I have second and third degree burns between my breasts (it is completely raw meat) she changed me to a aquaphor/lidocaine cocktail (a cream for my ta-tas) and as soon as radiation was over I received a prescription for Silvadene (that is the stuff they use on burn victims in the hospital). So at least my pain was relieved.

Today I had my mammogram done at 1:30pm. I was okay until they brought me in a waiting room to wait for my results. I was the first one in there and then 3 more women came in. When they all got called before me for their results, I got scared. But then I was brought in and the Radiologist said I was clear, that there were no malignant changes that they could see!!!!!

Oh my gosh the relief!!

Then I high-tailed it to my radiation appointment, I got there early and they brought me right back. So within five minutes I was done. Yes, done. The nurse gave me a certificate of completion. When I got in my car, I thought how stupid (at least for chemo I got a tiara), and as I read it out loud, I started to cry.

Certificate of appreciation

Be it Declared That

Laurie N____

Has Completed the Prescribed Course of Radiation Therapy

with the Highest Degree of Courage, Determination and

Good Nature. We Appreciate the Confidence Placed In Us

and the Opportunity To

Serve You

Shady Grove Adventist Radiology Oncology Center

Then it has all the doctors names and staff. (Yup, teared up by just typing it).

After nine long months (from finding my lump on December 5 until now) it has been such an emotional roller coaster, with highs and lows. Then end was rather anti-climactic, but if feels so good to be done.

I am putting all the cremes on my burns and I hope that I will be doing better in about a week. But what is so important is that I have eyebrows, and eyelashes again. My hair is growing in... and I am ALIVE!!!!

Now don't fret. I will still be updating as I go along. I have a follow-up next week and the week after with my Radiation Oncologist, a 6 months surgical check up on Sept 2, a 3 month chemo checkup on Sept 21, and then another MRI in February some time. So I will keep updating as I go and we cannot forget the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in October!!

My thanks and love to everyone that has followed me, supported me and prayed for me while on this journey. Words cannot describe how much I appreciate everyone.

Thank you

5 More To Go!!

2009-08-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

August 12, 2009 (morning)

I guess I was wrong again. Yesterday on the table at radiation I found out that I am done with my full treatments (I thought I had one more day left). Which is good, cause my poor skin between my breasts is KILLING me (it is completely just raw)!

Tomorrow will start my boosts. It will be a really short appointment since it is only on electron field. I can do this!!!

Almost done, almost there!!

Your Down By Two!!!

2009-08-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

August 11, 2009

After my treatment yesterday, the techs were getting me set up for a simulation of my boosts (which should start on Thursday). It was another excruciating long day on the table, but there was a high point.

After they had matched my mark to the CT, they asked Dr. S to come in and check it. She did and while she was, I talked to her. She checked on her prescription and it turns out that I will only have 5 boosts instead of the original 7. So... 33 treatments not 35.... So I am down by 2!!!!!

I am so excited!! Dr. S said after looking over everything she is confident that the five boosts will get everything that they need...

So next Wednesday is my LAST DAY OF RADIATION!!!! Can I get an AMEN???!!!!

AMEN!!!!

The worst part of the day was the marking of my skin with markers (again) and they were trying to clean up the original (now wrong) mark and took alcohol to clean it. Oh my gosh it stung every where she touched!!! My cleavage is just raw. But 7 more days. I can do anything for only 7 more days!!!

Back To The Drawing Board (Literally)

2009-08-10T06:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Every 5 days, the radiation techs are suppose to take Xrays of you so that the doctors can verify that they are still radiating the same areas. Last week, I had a set a films everyday I went in (Dr. orders) So today, when Erin (the CT tech) came to the waiting room to tell me that I would be going to see her today after my appointment I got really worried.

"Oh my gosh, something is wrong huh?" I asked her. I just knew that something else funky happened with my body and they were going to have to stop treatment or re-map me or something!

"Nope, she said, you have only 12 more sessions left, so we are going to map you for your boost." then she smiled at the relief in my eyes.

Oh my gosh... only 12 more?? Oh my gosh, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!! I don't know if you remember but I have 28 full treatments (with photon and electron radiation around my entire left breast, under my arm and collarbone) then 7 "boost" treatments which are only on my tumor bed (the location of my tumor). Wow!! That means only 5 more full treatments!! And they couldn't come too soon. My skin has been (according to Dr. S doing wonderfully) but that is because she was expecting burning, peeling, blisters, and a bloody mess. My skin is so burnt and I have one small blister that has popped, and a lot of tiny blisters in my cleavage, but we have not had to stop treatment, so to her, I am doing great!

After my treatment I went to the CT room and laid down on the board to the CT machine. I was flat this time and had to raise my hand over my head. Erin had set down a head and neck rest down for me and a couple of cushions to rest my arm on. Then she did the CT for a few minutes and marked a big black cross where the new treatment would go. She was going to cover it with tape, but I have opted to having it re-drawn everyday. I have a slight reaction to tape and cannot handle anything else on my poor boobie.

Then I had to see Dr. S (it was a long day). I even got more of a surprise to find out that I might even cut off the full treatments early and add a few more boosts! When they designed my protocol they could either under-lap the fields or over-lap the fields. Dr. S decided to over-lap the fields (this would have been my decision too). So she is worried that I may have a few hot spots (where the fields over-lapped) and she might stop me early and do the boost to make up the difference. WOW!!! I should find out next week what she wants to do.

I am so excited, this is almost over!!!

Update:

I have thin eyebrows, but they are now brown and I don't have to draw them in!!
My hair is still growing in, it still doesn't cover my scalp, but it is coming back (I wish it was coming back as fast as the other hair on my body though). hahahaha
My port is finally healing up (I had the chemo nurses take out the remaining stitch that was hanging out)
My left breast is BRIGHT pink and burned, but my cleavage is burnt with tiny blisters all along it (but I guess since there are no open sores, I am still considered "good")
I am still tired, but getting through the days pretty good. I am still running in my couch to 5k. I figure that maybe the sweating helps get rid of all the radiation and chemo that might still be coursing through my body.

I will post more once I find out exactly how many treatments I will have. Oh, I can see the light!!!

Thank you Emily!!!

2009-07-31T05:56:00.000-07:00

After I lost my hair and (somewhat) got over the initial shock. I wanted to document it. Just like how I want to document my journey by blogging, I wanted to document the baldness.

I thought about it for a few days before I brought it up to Chris. I mean lets face it, it is a little morbid if you think about it....

"Lets take some pictures of the hardest time in my life, during the hardest fight of my life." But as many of you know me, or are meeting me through this blog, you would see by now that that is exactly who I am!

So I brought it up to Chris and he was really good with it. He actually thought it was a good idea. He asked who I thought could do the pictures. This was too sensitive a subject to go to a Sears or JCPennys. We brought up the women that did our wedding photos, Darla. The photos were really good... But I wasn't quite sold yet.

I wish my sister could do them, she was not an experience photographer, but she has a good eye and is a little "quirky". But I couldn't afford her plane ticket and she couldn't take time off work. But I did remember one person...

I have spoke about my Baby Mommas. They are from the web site Baby Center. There was this one Momma that had a baby due the same month as mine, but she wasn't in my birth week. I happened onto the thread (online discussion) because Chris and I were looking for a camera and she was giving advice. Her name is Emily Southerland and the discussion was called "Emily's Little World". She had a wonderful blog and blogged about two of my favorite things, photography and cupcakes (this is a wonderful woman!!).

I looked up her blog (http://emilys-little-world.blogspot.com/), I thought that if anyone could share my image for these pictures, it would be her. She lives in St. Louis, but has been out here for an event I think, so I knew that she couldn't take the pictures, but maybe she could recommend someone she trusted.

I didn't even have her email, so I went onto Baby Center and sent her this message:

I have a question, I am struggling/surviving breast cancer. I have gone through 4 out 8 chemo sessions and then will deal with radiation afterwards. I have 2 babies (3yrs and 1 yr) and would love to have "specialty shots" done with my girls and my bald head (in all its shiny glory). I have ideas in my head but unfortunately don't know of anyone who could do these tastefully (maybe in B&W). I live in the Baltimore, MD area. Do you know of or can your recommend anyone who could do these...

I would love if you could but you are so dang far away!!!! :-)

The next day, I got this response:

I have a WILD suggestion. I am actually coming to DC in three weeks. May 16-18. Crazy, huh??? I am super busy the entire trip, except for that Monday morning, the 18. Now, I KNOW Monday morning is a TERRIBLE time. But if you would be willing to drive to the DC area (Fairfax, VA) I could do a mini-session with you and your girls. The latest I could start a session would be 9:30 am. If this sounds at all possible, I'd LOVE to help make it happen!

And.... my heart aches for you and your chemo. I am so humbled by your bravery and your desire to EMBRACE this time instead of run away from it. Congrats, and BEST of luck.

-Emily

Oh my goodness!! This would be fantastic!! For us Baby Center girls, she is a celebrity! I was so excited, I told Chris and he was very excited too! Fairfax is a little far for us to drive in the morning (DC traffic and all), so we got a hotel room the night before.

Unfortunately my 13 year old had her 8th grade class picture that day, so instead of forcing her to come with us, we gave her the choice (my Mom and Dad were at our house, so she could stay with them). She decided that she wanted to get her picture taken at school, so she stayed home. (I am really bummed about that cause our pics turned out really great).

We met with Emily the next morning and she looked exactly like her blog (I don't know why she would look different). She was one of the nicest people. We did our photo shoot, some in a make-shift studio (a.k.a. the garage of the women she was staying with) and some outside at a restaurant. The baby was in a pretty crappy mood, so I wasn't sure what the pics would look like. When I got them back... I cried, they were so... so... so... perfect!

I could not have asked for anything more and she gave me so much more than I asked for!!!

Up until now, I have wanted to keep my children's names and faces out of the blog, but as you will see that is really not fair to them (they are going through this too) or for you as a reader, cause my children ARE me, they are on this journey with me, and quite frankly these pictures are just TOO wonderful not to share....

Aren't they fantastic!!!

Here is a picture of me and Emily at the end of the session, Chris took it and he was VERY nervous (taking a picture of a professional photographer) but I think he did a good job too.

I will even share a secret with you... There are more pictures on her site. She let me have these for my blog (Thank you!!) So I can share them with everyone, but here is how you can see the entire photo session:

Go to her website http://www.emilysoutherland.com/
You can pick to go into her blog or her photography site, pick photography site (you can check out the blog later, that is cool too).
On the bottom you can click on "Clients" and then type in my password "threegirls"
And check them out (they will come up like a slideshow).

So... THANK YOU EMILY!! I cannot express to you how much it means to me that you were able to capture my family's journey in pictures. It was a pleasure meeting you and next time you come back to DC let me know, maybe we can do pictures WITH hair!!

What Was I Thinking?

2009-07-31T04:18:00.000-07:00

July 31, 2009

What was I thinking?? I agreed to start a running program with a few of my Baby Mommas this week. AARRGGHHH!!!

The program is called "Couch to 5K". It is a training program that slowly gets you back in shape so you can run a 5 K within 9 week???

So everyone with me.... What was I thinking!!! Hasn't my body explained to my mind that I have cancer?!

The first week is a brisk 5-minute warm up walk (that is just the warm-up??) Then you switch off running for 60 seconds and then walking for 90 seconds. You do that for 8 reps (all in all about 20 minutes).

I did it on Monday and Wednesday, and I will be heading out in a few minutes to do today's....

So far it is not bad, sore but not bad. I don't know how long I can do this for (my left breast is starting to ache), but I will do what I can to get his body back in tip-top pre-cancer (pre-baby) shape!!

My loving and (sarcastic) hubby, asked me if I still run slower than I walk.... Uh, yeah, but who said you have to go fast???

PS. You all KNOW that I am running to New Kids on The Block right??? *wink wink*

Thanks Kim For the Eyebrows!!

2009-07-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went to lunch with Nickie (my mother in law), her friend and neighbor Kay, and Kay's daughter Kim. I have known Kay for about 7 years, but have only spent a handful days with her daughter Kim. She always seemed very nice, and we have girls around the same age so I was excited to go to lunch and talk to her more.

The lunch was great (we went to Clyde's) in Potomac, and I really enjoyed the company. We talked about everything, from neighborhood stuff, to cancer, kids, families, even ex-boyfriends (that we had in common), it was really great.

Before we left, Kim said she had brought me something. Well you know that I LOVE gifts so I was up for anything. She asked me not to be offended but thought that it might be nice for me.... Um, Okay....

She handed me the best gift I could have ever received. An eyebrow kit by "Anastasia".

I laughed so hard, I had been debating about buying one, but kept chickening out. She said it was no big deal, that she received it the year before and never even opened it, but she though that I would appreciate it.

I LOVED IT!!!

The next day, I used it. It is the coolest kit! It actually has stencils so I don't have to do any guess work on how to brush them on!! I do have to be careful though, one day I used to high of an arch and looked angry all day (hahahaha).

So thank you Nickie, Kay and Kim for a wonderful lunch and fascinating conversation...

And a special thank you to Kim for my new eyebrows!!!

The Radiation Suite

2009-07-27T05:23:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, a quick update..

I am doing okay, my skin is starting to show signs of sunburn, and my left breast aches a bit. But I am still plowing through.

I took some pics of the radiation room so I can explain better. This is Tammy, she is one of the techs. This is the table that I lay on. The blue thing is the stirrup that they put my arm in.

They cover the black part with a sheet, so it is some what comfortable. The circular thing above the table is the what gives the radiation. It comes a lot closer and rotates around me to get the right angle.

This is called a "block", it is a piece of Plexiglas and has lead shapes on it. It is inserted into the radiation lens part and it "blocks" the areas of my body that they don't want to get hit with radiations. This is pretty interesting since they hand make these for every patient (I have 2) in house.

This is called a "compensator" I believe it is brass. It is suppose to compensate and bend the radiation field?? I think? I just like these ones better (they are prettier). I know just like a girl. I have 3 fields that use these.

This is me on the table, Sharon covered me up, but in reality, I have to take my arm out of the hospital gown when we do the radiation.

This is my last field, my electron radiation field. This is the one that was giving everyone so much trouble. It is VERY close to me, we call it "my own personal mammogram" because the "cone" (the metal rodded thing) actually pushes my right breast down to correctly radiate my left.

So that is what I do everyday (Monday - Friday) for about 17 minutes a day. Thanks for taking the tour of my radiation suite, I hope to see you all back soon....

TEAM LJ

2009-07-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

Join Team LJ and
Susan G. Komen for the Cure

As we Race For a Cure on
Sunday October 18, 2009,
Hunt Valley, Maryland

Let's get started!!!

Sign up!! Register online at www.komenmd.org under our team name today! Your friends, family members and neighbors are invited to be part of the "Team LJ" team too. Please ask them to go online and register and be sure they choose Team LJ under "team name".
Fundraise!! Tell your family, friends and neighbors about the Komen Maryland Race for the Cure and ask them to help by making a contribution to your personal fundraising page online. Or, they can write a check or money order to Komen Maryland. Strive to ask 10 friends for $10 to help us reach our team goal of $1.000 in the fight against breast cancer. Every dollar makes a difference.
Race/Walk! Have a great time at the Race with Team LJ and enjoy a day filled with hope, love, encouragement, entertainment, fun and a LOT of pink!! It will be fun for racers and walkers of all ages.
Feel Proud! After the walk, fell the pride and satisfaction that comes form knowing you were part of the largest world-wide effort to help find a cure for breast cancer. Contact Team LJ today for more information!!

REMEMBER - Sunday, October 18, 2009

YOUR REGISTRATION FEE GET US TO THE START LINE. YOUR DONATIONS GET US TO THE CURE!

An Itt'l Bit O' Hair

2009-07-20T05:05:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!!

My mom wanted me to send her some pictures of my hair growth, so I thought, "Heck I will just post it for everyone." Who know who else is curious...

I have now lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows, I asked the nurses why this is, they told me that they think it is because the new lashes and eyebrows are pushing the old ones out. I am for that if it means that I will be having new hair soon.

But my hair is slowly growing back in.

Love to all!!!

Radiation

2009-07-16T05:09:00.000-07:00

Today will be my 10th day of radiation. I really have wanted to update you all on it, but it is so boring, that I don't know what to say... But I will start at the beginning...

July 1, 2009 was my first day of radiation. After finally waiting (a lot longer that told) the physicist and my radiation oncologist agreed on treatment (yeah...right?) On that Wednesday, I had to come to the office twice. First at 11:40 am so they could draw an me and make sure that it would work. THAT took about two hours. My left arm (that was above my head in a stir up) was killing me. Then I had to come back at 4:50pm (my appointment time) for the actual treatment. It went pretty smoothly that day. They had drawn an island on my chest and told me NOT to take it off. Well, when you use auquaphor on your skin at night (for those of you who don't have babies and don't know what aquaphor is, it is like Vaseline) the marker comes right off. I was a nervous wreck! I knew that Craig (the pissy tech) would snap at me again....

Day 2 (July 2, 2009)
Richard the physicist was there and he said that something looked wrong, so I all of my photon radiation (not proton) and they just took xrays of my electron radiation field. I still didn't get home before 7:10 at night.

Day 3 (July 6, 2009)
Both Dr. S and Richard (the physicist) were there to "make sure" they had the right spot. So for another two hours I am on the table in pain. They rechecked every mark, every tattoo, and then finally finished up and agreed that Dr. S had been correct on where the island was suppose to be (thank god). I begged to please put my arm down before my treatment started, they obliged and saw 2 patients, let me back in and gave me the rest of my session.

Since then it has been going rather smoothly (at least the actual session). Let me give you a breakdown....

I show up at the Radiation Oncology office and sign in. Then I sit in the waiting room for god knows how long (there were some days I was there for a few minutes, but most were an hour or two). There is a speaker in the room and they say, "Mrs. N____ you can come back now." So get my stuff and go through a hallway to the end where there are two bathrooms. I choose one and take off my shirt and bra and put on the hospital gown. Then I take my purse and sit in one of the two chairs outside the radiation room. There I wait until they call me.

When I am called I walk into the room and they are getting the table ready for me. They set it up to my specifications. There is a place for me to put my head and my left arm. Like I said before it is like a stir up for my arm, so it is in the same spot every time. I take my left arm out of the robe exposing my left breast to the machine (and all that are in the room).

Side note: Many of you are wondering what hurts so much? It isn't the radiation, it is actually the position of the arm. Leaving your arm there for 10-15 minutes isn't bad, but 30 minutes to an hour is painful... I swear I feel like I am trying to win an immunity challenge on Survivor!! So if you are thinking that I am a pansy-ass for complaining, please place your arm (any arm) above your head and watch the clock and let 30 minutes pass by, now 1 hour, now 2 hours, it is excruciating!!!

After my arm is in place and my head is turned away from it (they don't want to radiate my throat) She start moving the table (called a gantry) and the radiation beam to line up with my tattoos. When I am lined up both techs leave the room and the HUGE 2 foot thick door rolls shuts and I am in there by myself. Then I here the buzzing from the radiation. There is no light, no pain, nothing, just this sound. After is goes off for about 21 seconds (yes I have counted) the door slowly rolls open and the two techs come in again, and get the radiation beam set up for the next position (called a field). They get me set up and leave again. I have six fields, so this goes on for about 10 minutes from field 1 through field 5.

When it is time for field 6, which is the electron radiation, everyone comes in to get me lined up. There is a square piece (they call it a cone) that they use that elongate the beam and then I have my own personal block to block out the good skin. It is so tight that they have to put me in position and then slide the cone into place, while pushing down on my right breast to make enough room. It is very tight and Craig has called it my own personal mammogram. But it is very tedious, cause if they are off even one millimeter they could damage other parts of my chest (like my heart).

After that buzzing is done, they come back in and I am ready to go. I put my sleeve back on, go back into the bathroom and get dressed. When the process goes smoothly I am only on the table for about 15 - 17 minutes. Then I leave to do this another day.

The actual radiation doesn't hurt, but already 10 days into it (25 days to go) My breast and under my arm is sore when the evening comes. It is definitely accumulative.

I am going to ask Sharon (the nice tech) if I can take pictures of some of the equipment so it is easier to explain....

Seriously??

2009-07-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

July 11, 2009

Oh my gosh!! So I wanted to have my next blog be about radiation, cause I have been doing it for a week now and haven't blogged about it yet, but the strangest thing happened to me last night....

My last chemo session was over 3 weeks ago (almost four) last night as I am rubbing my eyes (there is something in them) I look at my finger and there on my finger and on my shirt are my friggin' eyelashes!!! What the hell?? Now it is like a car wreck that you just can't help yourself from stopping and looking.... I pull my eyelashes again, my come off in my fingers... What the hell??

Seriously??? NOW they fall out? So I run to the bathroom and realize the I now have approximately 3 eye lases left on the top of my right eye. On top of that, my eyebrows are almost gone!! I am scared to try the left eyelashes, I do pull one set, and they come out in my hand... I stop right there! I was on the phone with my sister and she was freaking while on the phone with me.

"Stop pulling them Laurie Jo!! You have not eye defenses now!"

"I can't it is like an accident, I am just touching them and they are coming out!"

I call my mom, "Don't touch them!" She yells at me, but the damage has been done and I cry to my husband.

WHY?? I am suppose to be one of the lucky ones that didn't loose their eyebrows or eyelashes.

I was suppose to be one of the lucky ones!!

his morning I put on eyeliner (you have to do something with no eyelashes) and there was not line for me to follow. I feels like just when you think that you are past this, this cancer thing comes back to bite you on your ass!!! Damn you CANCER!!!!

Loooking at me it is my right eye, and any eyeliner left from this morning (it doesn't stay on as long either).

Side view, see no eyelashes...

Damn I miss my eyelashes!

Some Chemo Odds and Ends

2009-07-04T10:58:00.001-07:00

July 4, 2009

It has now been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment and my hair is SLOWLY coming back in. I was excited however that I had to shave my under arms for the first time in months. So now that I am on the back end, I thought I would share some little tid-bits of info that I have learned thus far in my journey....

You WILL loose your hair (at least for breast cancer) on Day 16. That is the day after your second chemo treatment. Yeah, you think that you have beaten the odds when you show up for your second chemo treatment. You look around to those poor bald women and feel a little superior and a little sorry for them because you have SUPER HAIR and it has decided not to fall out.... Nope!! The next day you ARE one of those poor bald women.
Your hair doesn't all "fall" out... Okay yes, the hair on head falls out, but the rest of the hair on your body just doesn't grow. I couldn't figure out why the rest of my body hair didn't fall out, but I found out that once I (finally) shaved my legs, it just didn't grow back.
You loose all your hair: legs, under arms, nose hair (and yes even pubic hair).
You might not loose ALL your eyebrows and eyelashes. I didn't (see picture below), But I lost about half, I didn't know whether I should even bother with mascara or drawing on my eyebrows.
Chemo doesn't hurt going in, it hurts about 2 1/2 days later.
Chemo is accumulative. So be proud of yourself that you are able to get back to "normal" a few days after your chemo treatment, next time it will probably take longer.
If you are unsure what to do or say to a friend that is going through chemo... BRING FOOD!! A Frozen dinner made (or bought) by a friend is the best gift you can give. The nights that we had an already prepared dinner would not only bring a smile to my face, but the whole family! During the whole meal, we would thank the friend (even though they were not there) and talk about what a great cook they are. Trust me, your ears will be ringing with compliments.
Talk to the rest of the "poor bald women" that you have chemo with. They are probably as scared, irritated, pissed, or just as bored as you are. Enjoy the company.
Finally, just because you are finished with your chemo, doesn't mean that chemo is done with you. I still lost some eyebrow and eyelashes two weeks after my last treatment. I remember just saying to myself when my eyebrows would pull off in my hands... "Seriously?? Now your falling out? Seriously??"

And lastly, there were some pics that I wanted to share with you..

The first picture, was before I lost any hair. My Mom took this first picture before my first chemo treatment, just in case I lost my eyebrows (so I would know where to draw them in).

The second picture was taken a few nights ago when I realized I was missing some eyebrows and eyelashes (mostly bottom eyelashes).

When I first shaved my head I thought I looked like Robert Irvine, from the Food Channel's "Dinner Impossible".

Lastly, One night after loosing all my hair, I was staring in the mirror and had an epiphany. I looked like that old cover of the Weekly World NEWS "BAT BOY"!! I told Meg at one of my chemo sessions, she laughed at me, until I took off my glasses, whipped off my wig and showed her... She had to avert her eyes. She said the image was burned into her retinas. Hahahaha

Love to everyone!! Enjoy your life, your kids and your hair!!

-LJ

My Radiation Verification Appointment

2009-06-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

Friday, June 26, 2009

My "verification" appointment at the Radiation Oncologist was suppose to take 30 minutes. I had left the "X"s on my body so the appointment would go as quickly as possible. My appointment was at 6pm. I got to the office and was led back by a radiation tech and she explained what a normal appointment would be...

I will be called back from the waiting room by a speaker. Then I will go to one of the dressing rooms, change into my exam shirt (open in the front) and sit on a chair outside the room until I am called.

I did all that and then the female tech led me to the radiation room. It was freezing! She said that it is for us, but for them it feels good (uh, I'm the patient right)? I took my left arm out of my robe and put it up above my head. I laid there while both techs (one male and one female) positioned my on the table over the machine. I know that when I had the CT done, my arm was KILLING me, so I kept trying to roll my hand a few times just so I could hold out longer.

They finally set me up according to my marks and then took some xrays. They came back in and had to move me an inch in one direction, a skosh in another. They took more pictures. This went on a few times. Then Dr. Singh came in and had them lower the table "a breath" and tried it all over again. I asked if I could possibly put my arm down for a minute. "Can you wait until we get one more picture?" Craig (the tech) asked. "I guess" I said. Well, at least five minutes later I was finally able to lower my arm. It burned so bad! It was so numb and prickly all at the same time. Everything seemed to be going fine until it was time for me to put my arm back up.

I placed my arm back into the stirrup and the tech left for the umpteenth time, I thought he said that he would only take one picture, so I figured the picture was taken, I could put my arm down until the next one. After I put my arm down the xray machine went off again. CRAP!! I told the female tech that I brought my arm down. She left to tell Craig and he came in VERY IRRITATED. He yelled that I should NEVER MOVE MY ARM!!! If we were doing radiation it would have gone through all parts of my body and done horrible damage!!

I just needed to move my arm, it hurt so bad! My head was turned and I saw a shelf full of netted helmets. They had "X"s all over them and names. It hit me then that I was laying on a table, half dressed, freezing and in pain because I have cancer. I was by myself there. Nobody was waiting for me in the waiting room. This is how it would be everyday. Okay, maybe not as long... But here by myself, just the same. I started to cry. It was one of those horrible silent cries. You know the one, it is the cry that you try not to make a sound, your body just trembles. The one that you fight your own breathing, trying so hard to breathe normally that it probably sounds worse. If Craig noticed I was crying, he didn't say a word. He just kept mumbling under his breath, "We don't have time for this, if you cannot take it today, we should just send you home and try again on another day." So of course this made me cry even more.

After a few more sets of xrays and slight movements, Dr. Singh came in again to check it. She talked to me and tried explaining what was happening. She saw me crying and shaking from being so cold.
"Can we PLEASE cover her up?" She grabbed a blanket and covered me up.
"She said she was fine." Craig told her.
"Does she look fine? She is crying."

Dr. Singh told me that they would be using both electron and photon radiation (not proton hahaha). It will be very hard on my skin. "Really bad", Craig chimed in. But she said that it won't be in the beginning or the middle, only at the end. Dr. Singh told me that she was happy with the way the photon radiation went, but still is not happy with the electron radiation. She wants to talk with the physiologist that worked on the plan, so that he could agree with her.

While Dr. Singh was telling me about the radiation, Craig was putting on my "permanent marks" AKA the tattoos. They are tiny and dark blue. It stung a little bit, but it wasn't that bad. I believe I have about 5 marks on me they look like little blue vertical dashes.

Then came the time to make my appointment. Since I still have not gotten the electron radiation planes figured out, I needed a double appointment. There were none available, so I am scheduled for 11:40am on Wednesday morning for the drawing of my electron radiation plane (it will have to be drawn on me everyday). Then I will return for my first radiation appointment will be at 5pm on Wednesday.

Craig and Dr. Singh were trying to figure out my appointments and I asked how long my regular appointments would take.
"About ten minutes." Craig answered.
"Ten minutes? Ten minutes?" Dr. Singh said to him, "She has 6 planes of radiation."
"Six planes?" He asked.
"Yeah," She said.
"Oh, that would take about 15 - 17 minutes."

Once Dr. Singh came to sit with me to talk to me, I asked, "Is six planes a lot?" She told me that normal breast cancer is 3 maybe 4. When she saw me get upset, she said that there are some prostate patients that have 7 planes.

Hahaha, is that suppose to make me feel better?

So finally I was done and emotionally exhausted. I realized that my 30 - 45 minute appointment took over 2 hours.

Where Is My Verification Appointment??

2009-06-20T18:07:00.000-07:00

I was suppose to have my verification appointment with my radiologist on Thursday or Friday of this past week so I could start radiation on Monday. By Tuesday I was getting worried that maybe I was forgotten about. So I called Dr. S, she returned my call on Wednesday (when I was asleep from the Valium), I missed the call. But I did get to talk to her on Thursday. There are some issues with my radiation planning treatment.

She is having a trouble coming up with a radiation plan. I guess when they did the CT scan, they found that my mammary lymph nodes were deep in the left side of my sternum, so they were going to have to use both proton and electron radiation. But every time that they would do a simulation, it would leave a "cold" spot... Which happened to be right where my tumor bed is. So THAT won't work. There was three plans that were thought up, and all three failed. Dr. S told me that it is not very often that they see the tumor on inside of my breast. It turns out that she has not been the only person working on this. She has brought in her 3 Imagists and her Physiologist to look at my scans.

It is not all bad news, Dr. S says that they believe that they have come up with new protocol for me, she said that it is the most creative and elegant plan they have ever come up with... But every time they try to simulate the scan, the computer shuts off on them because the computer thinks it is an error. So now she is in talks with the software company to find a way to override the computer and go through with the scan. She believes that they will be able to call me early next week and bring me in for my verification appointment, then hopefully I can start my treatments at the end of the week. About a week later than she originally wanted to start.

Of course I apologized for being so difficult, and she told me that when they complete this plan, it could end up helping not only me, but so many women in the future...

I think she should name the new protocol the LJ2009?? hahahaha!

Port Removal

2009-06-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

June 17, 2009

Alleluia!!

It is out!!

I started the day skipping breakfast and having drop off all my girls to their appropriate locations. My 3 year old and the baby went to daycare (as my 3 year old calls it "Lunch School"), and my 13 year old went to band camp (her first day of High School). So after getting to work a little late, I worked about an hour and a half until I left for the hospital. I met Chris at work and he drove me to the hospital.

We got there at 10:30 and after checking in at admissions, I went to radiology and waited for my turn. About 10 minutes later, Chris and I were walked back to the rooms with a nurse who congratulated me for getting through chemo. She said that this was going to be so much easier than putting it in. There will be no IV, no sedation, just a slit and pull it out....

What??

No IV?? No drugs? No sedation?? What the heck is up that?!!!

I started getting anxious then, I HATE the lidocaine shots, they burn and it hurts. The nurse (seeing my obvious anxiety when she brought me to my room) brought me some Valium. Didn't really get a chance to work when they brought me in and wheeled me out to the operating room.

The group that took my port out, was the same group that put it in. And as soon as they saw Jordan (who of course came with me) they started laughing and remembered me. I was brought into the room, and they asked me turn my head to the left, they didn't even have to move me to the operating table, they just did the surgery on the bed they rolled me in on. I was draped with four blue drapes and my skin was cleaned. The doctor came in and started with the lidocaine. It hurt like hell. I yelled and cried (a little bit).

He cut my skin and pulled the catheter out of the vein and then proceeded pull out the port. He asked if I wanted it. HECK YEAH I do!!

He washed the empty pocket out, then I was stitched up, congratulated again and then I was wheeled back into the recovery room. It took no more than 30 minutes. I came home and went to bed. I am doing good, I am happy that it is out. It does still hurt, but I am sure it will get better.

Radiation Simulation

2009-06-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

June 1, 2009

The first step in Radiation is the simulation. This is where they take the take pictures and make temporary marks on my chest until a radiation plan can be made.

I went into my appointment at noon. I met with the nurse and she explain to me my skin regiment. I am to use a special lotion 2 times a day, and then at bedtime I have a prescription for a steroid that I combine with some Auquaphor and put it all over my left breast and underarm. After letting me know what kind of lotions and deodorants I can use I signed a consent form for the radiations procedures.

Next I was brought into large room with a CT machine. I was asked to remove my shirt, bra and jewelry and put on a rose colored robe (opens in the front). I came out of the changing area and Erin (the tech) and asked me to lay down on the table in front of the CT machine. She took my left arm and placed it in a form of stirrup above my head. This is for 2 reasons:

My arms needs to be up so that the radiation can hit my arm pit, where my axillary lymph nodes were.
The stirrup is placed in the same position every treatment, so that the radiation can be precised every time.

Once my arm is in place and the table is propped up just a bit (this position lowers my lungs and heart more towards my back so they won't get hit with as much radiation) and my feet were strapped together (to be more comfortable for me), I was brought thought the CT scan a number of times, to get the pictures for Dr. S to make her plan for my radiation. At the same time, x-rays were done as well so that they could make a 3D image of my body to make the radiation plan.

It sounds like a simple procedure and for what I have been through, it was. But I was in the chair for about 20 - 30 minutes and my arm was up that long. Oh my goodness, it burnned! I kept thinking during the whole procedure, "this is just like a challenge on the TV show Survivor!"

After Erin was finished, she pulled my body out of the machine and took a black sharpie marker and started making black "X"s on my body. I asked how she knew where to put them. She said that there were red laser lights coming off the walls and ceiling and they make the "X" on my body that she drawers. She explained that these "X"s needed to stay on until my "Verification" appointment (where I get my tattoos). She covered them with a kind of cellophane tape so they would last 2-3 weeks.

I now have 6 "X"s on my body:

Above my left breast beside my left arm
On my left aureole, about the 10 o'clock position
On the outside of my left breast
On my left side at the bottom of my rib
In the center of my body, about where my diaphragm is
On my right side at the bottom of my rib.

My next appointment will be in about 2-3 weeks, this will be my "Verification" appointment, where Dr. S will see if her theoretic plan matches my actual body. Once I am lined up, I will get my tattoos.

This is so humorous, I always said I got my navel pierced so I wouldn't need to get tattoos. Now not only do I get them, they are going to be blue freckles!! Not even something cool. I will be a human "connect the dots".

My Chemo Companions

2009-06-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

Hi again,

This is just a quick note, so that I can thank my "Chemo Companions"

Chris came to my first Chemo Treatment (with my Mom and my Dad)

My Mom and Dad (Larry and JoAnne) came for Chemo cycles 1 & 2

Nickie (my mother in law) went with me for Chemo #3

Dani came and gossipped with me for Chemo #4

Meg "suffered" through the first taxol (5 hours) with me for Chemo #5

My Mom and Dad came back for Chemos #6 & #7

And as you saw in my previous post, everyone joined me for my last cycle #8.

I just want to thank you all so much for taking time out of your busy schedules to join me on this fight. Everyone says how strong I am, but in fact, I know that if I decided to hide under my bed (or desk as it was) before these treatments, you all would pull me kicking and screaming to my treatment and engage me in amazing conversation for the entire time.

So I don't think so much that it is me that is so strong, I think it is you all that support and love me and keep showing me everyday (along with my children) that there is so much to fight for.

Thank you all so much!

My Last Chemo Treatment

2009-06-05T10:58:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!!
I wanted to share with all of you my last chemo treatment.

I wanted to make it special, so I made Boobie cookies (cookies shaped and frosted like boobies) and then I brought sparkling apple cider. On of my fellow chemo ladies made brownies for my last day too. It was so sweet!!!

These are my chemo nurses (formal name is Oncology Nurses) Jen and Cindy. They are wondeful, they definitely make a bad situation what could be a very sad situation better.

I had invited all my previous "chemo companions" everyone came except my mom and dad (they were back home in Oklahoma, but they called frequently so we knew that they were there), here is me and Nickie (my Mother in law-love)

Me and Jordan, waiting for a chair in the big room.

It had been 16 weeks since we both had started chemo.... Wow!!!

Meg made me shirt that said..

"Me:1 Cancer:0
I kicked chemo's Butt!!!"

I was also awarded a pink and rhinestone tiara on my last day!

You KNOW I paraded around the chemo suite with that!!!

I wanted a picture with Meg and she said, "If I can stop my tears.. sure."
We were all excited to see this part end.

Both of us tear free and smiling!!

Me and My wonderul HUBBY

I walked around the sweet handing out cookies, brownies and apple cider.

Enjoying some girl time with Dani!
I meet the same ladies every time I go, these were some of the best women!!!

The bald beauties!!
It was such a hard time, but thank you to everyone that supported me by cards, gifts, balloons, flowers, prayers and thoughts. I truly could not have done this without all of you!!!!

And Chris, Nickie, Dani, Meg and my Mom and Dad (JoAnne and Larry) I will never be able to express my gratitue for all you have done for me, by picking me up and sitting with me for hours on end keeping fighting on that day and for many more. I so truly love all of you so much!!!
Thank you.

Now... Bring on the Radiation!!!

My New Radiation Oncologist

2009-05-31T18:01:00.001-07:00

I had a consultations with Dr. S before I started chemo. She was very nice and gave me a break down of what was going to happen. Approximately 9 minutes a day for 6 weeks. 25 sessions on my entire breast and then 5 sessions called a "boost" that went directly to the spot of my tumor. When I got the bill for my copay, I called their billing office and asked to pay by credit card. The person told me that they don't accept credit cards, it must be check or cash. What?? After calling the office, I confirmed that they wouldn't accept any credit cards. That would be $600.00? From my checking account? Hell I don't have that!

So between that and the inconvenience of driving over 20 minutes every day for 6 weeks, I was now in search of a new Radiation Oncologist.

Dr. K (my medical oncologist) suggested another Dr. S (a different one). The new Dr. S was only 1.5 miles from my work. I made an appointment for the next week.

Chris chose to come to the appointment with me, I was glad. After waiting about an hour we were finally able to meet Dr. S (the new one). She spent a little bit of time going over all of my reports from Dr. K and Dr. A (my surgeon). Once she was done, she asked me a lot of questions. Same ones, how was it found, about the biopsies, how was chemo going, when was a finishing.

Dr. S started with saying that due to the severity of my cancer, she would want to start me two weeks after my last chemo treatment. I would have 35 sessions (seven weeks), each treatment would be about 20 minutes each. This was different than what we had been told by the other radiation oncologist that we saw. She explained that every day that didn't have radiation, that was on more day that the cancer could return in the original location. The first drug I had for chemo was the AC, this drug has been known to damage the heart during treatment, radiation of course doesn't help. But since I had my AC treatments first, my heart has since healed enough to proceed with radiation just two weeks after my last chemo cycle.

Dr. S said that she would have to use 4 or 5 rays. That would depend on the CT exams that would be done, you see you have 3 levels of lymph nodes. All of my axillary lymph nodes (my first and second levels) were removed, but there are still some that cannot be surgically removed (under the scapula, down the front of the chest). I will need a CT scan to confirm where these lymph nodes are in my body and then my Dr. will decide whether or not I will need one or two types of radiation.

There is protons and electrons. Protons is what she would like to use, this is radiation that goes straight through the body, but it passes the skin before it gets to intense, so it is more skin saving. Dr. S can manipulate the rays so that they rays won't deflect into other body parts. Electron radiation is different, the Doctor can dictate how far into the body it will go. This sounds better, but it is full strength throughout the entire ray, so your skin gets hit hard. Do to the shape of the chest wall, you cannot stop a sliver of lung to be hit by the rays. So the less amount of lung the better. Dr. S. said that after reading my CT she would be able to tell how much lung would be affected and make her plan of what types of radiation she will use.

She said that there is no pain while radiation is being done, but my skin will get very dry and it will feel and look like a sunburn. Dr. S said that there is a skin regiment that she strongly suggests, it will help with the burn. She said that worst part is that towards the end, I will start to peel. She suggested that during my entire radiation procedure, I should not wear a bra. What?? Not where a bra?? She said nope, already being heavily endowed will be an issue from friction alone, but once I start peeling it is really horrible pain.

Great... So guess who is shopping for camisoles and REALLY loose fitting shirts??

Then came my questions...
1. Can I still get my port taken out even during radiation? Yes
2. Can I get an IUD inserted while radiation? Yes
3. I have an appointment with a plastic surgeon on June 8, will that be an issue? She laughed and said, "You can go ahead and have an appointment, he can talk to you all he wants, but he WILL NOT put one finger on you!" .... Okay..... "Don't get me wrong, my husband is a plastic surgeon. I totally respect the profession, but we need to put a little perspective on this. Your life is my priority. He can do what ever he wants after radiation, but your life is my hands." I knew at that moment that this was a good doctor for me.

I will have my first simulation on Monday morning. They will do my CT and makes some marks on my body to align to the machine. A few days before I start radiation, I will have a validation appointment, where Dr. S will check my marks with the radiation machine, and if her plan matches my body, I will get my official blue freckle tattoos (there will be about 5-7) and I will start radiation a day or two later.

PS. I came back and cancelled my appointment with the plastic surgeon. To be honest, I don't want to get anything done until the girls are older and testing time is over (about 5 years).

7 Down, 1 More to Go!!

2009-05-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hi!

I had chemo was this past Thursday. My Mom and Dad came with me again today. We hit Chipotle before we got there and brought the food with us (it makes the time pass quicker when I get to eat). Except this time, I was sitting next to a woman that got nauseous by the smell of the onions, so Mom and I waited until she left before we finished our food.

My numbers were lower than usual for me. When I was taking the Nuelasta shot (white blood cell pumper), my white blood count was always from 8-10. Now that I was on Taxol, I don't have to take the Nuelasta shot, and my counts were as low as 2.44 one week after treatment and on the day of chemo I was still only 4.2. The doctors and nurses keep an eye on that because if you fall at about 2.0 you can be neutropenic (Neutropenia is a blood disorder characterized by an abnormally low number of a type of white blood cells called a neutrophils. Neutrophils usually make up 50-70% of circulating white blood cells and serve as the primary defense against infections by destroying bacteria in the blood. Hence, patients with neutropenia are more susceptible to bacterial infections and, without prompt medical attention, the condition may become life-threatening). Mine fall about a week after treatment and then start coming up. Dr. K doesn't seem worried about my numbers, but it has become an obsession with me, "What are my numbers? How do my numbers look? So am I doing okay? How are my numbers?" So far so good. I am suppose to stay away from sickies during my low period. It is hard, especially with my little ones that seem to leak from every orifice.

After checking my numbers, we started treatment. It went okay (boring) but that was about it. There is no break-up of having the red drug put in during these treatments. It is one HUGE back of drug/saline and I end up having to pee about 6 times during the 3-4 hours it takes to finish the treatment. THAT is the most irritating part of the whole ordeal! I met a couple more newbies and gave them my blog, so if any of you are reading this, I hope your first cycle was kind to you. If it wasn't, know that you can make it through no matter how crappy you feel. If I can do it... you can do it!

After my treatment, I scheduled my LAST CHEMO TREATMENT!!! Can I hear an AMEN!!!!

My Mom, Dad and I drove home and then proceeded through out weekend. I did okay for most of the weekend. Chris let me sleep in so I that delayed the pain. I get the pain for more days now. It is intermittent pain. I will be sitting watching TV or working and then all of a sudden I will get a sharp pain wiz through my arm, or leg, rib, wherever, then it will sit there for a few minutes and then disappear. I was told by Dr. K that these are very normal Taxol pains. It is Wednesday today and just got a righteous one in my right arm, I stop a bit until it lets go....... And then type again.

But for the most part I'm doing okay.

For an update....
My hair is still....Gone. I haven't lost my eyelashes, but my eyebrows are thinning. My mom actually cut my dad's eyebrows in my kitchen, in my line of site, when they were finished and sat back on the couch, I accused my mom and dad of flaunting his eyebrow hair at me (hahaha).
I am thinking that after radiation I will let me hair grow back in and pray it comes in thick and curly like everyone says.

My fingers and toes go numb. That is freaky!! I grabbed my toe the other day and thought that I had a HUGE piece of sock fuzz in the middle of my toes. I grabbed my foot, tore off my sock and realized it wasn't sock fuzz, it was my actual toe!! I Couldn't feel it at all! CRAZY!!! That is normal too. As long as it is not all the time, I am okay. My fingers get numb sometimes and it is very hard to do things like button or buckle mine or the girls clothes.

My nails are lifting in different areas on my fingers. But I found that if I keep my nails short it is not so bad.

Hot Flashes!! Oh my goodness these are hell. I will be sitting there (minding my own business) and then WHAM!! I get a hot flash that has me ripping of my wig and fanning myself with it (okay I whip it off at home, I haven't gotten so brave as to go wig less at work). But they are really hard. At night it is the worst. Unless I take Tylenol PM when I go to sleep, I toss and turn for what seems like forever and then during the night I will wake up sweatin' bullets and have to take off my covers, then about 10 minutes later I have to put them back on because I am freezing. This goes on at least 8-10 times a night. AARRRGGHHH!!!

But for now, that is about it. I am actually doing pretty good. I even washed the car on Memorial Day! It was so nice to be in the sun and spend some time with my family. I try really hard to not make a big deal about this hole cancer thing with the girls. My three year old will occasionally ask my why I am "Bote" and I tell her Mommy is sick, but Iam getting better and my hair will grow back. She will usually finish the sentence with, "Just like mine."

Yes, sweetie.... Just like yours.

Scheduling Follow-up Appointments

2009-05-15T07:07:00.000-07:00

I called this morning to make an appointment for a follow up with my surgeon (the breast surgeon, I need to see her every six months). At my last appointment, they told me that they start making appointment for August on May 1st. Okay, so I didn't want to look like a freak and call on May 1 at 8am, so I called today. I mean really Aug is 3 months away, right?

So... NO FRIGGIN' APPOINTMENTS!!! Not one!!! I can call back on June 1st (at 8am) to schedule for September.

WHAT???

Don't you realize that I have to have a 6 month appointment?

Do you know how many other people also need 6 month appointments? (Okay so she didn't exactly say this, but that is the way it sounded to me!!)

Well crap!!! This surgeon's office people really pisses me off. Nobody said we fill up quickly, so please call ON May first. My surgeon is, but damn it, it is ridiculous that I cannot get in for my 6 month follow up, really ridiculous. At this point I don't want to change because she knows my case (and boobs) so well at this point.

So I will call back on June 1st at friggin' 7:59am!!!!

I was able to make my follow-up mammogram for August 18th though, they weren't full...

Welcome to the next 5 years of my life. Cancer Sucks!!!

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone.....

2009-05-13T12:40:00.001-07:00

May 13, 2009

Wow, I had my last Taxol last Thursday and there are only 2 more left!!!! I know that so many of you are jumping up and down with me!!! Thank you, I can hear your hoorays and fist pumps from here!

My treatment weekend wasn't so bad. Chris let me sleep in both days, my parents helped with the kids and so I never really got that hellish leg pain. I had some pain, but definitely better than the previous chemo session.

I think the biggest change is knowing that I only have 2 more session left (4 more weeks) really makes me feel .... what is the word I am looking for? Sunny? Smiley? Excited? I finally feel like I can get through this!! I just feel lighter in my chest. I feel like the sun is shining on me and I am finally warm. This might not make sense, but it feels good. It has been so rough and so dark for me for the past couple of months, that I feel good (mentally). YES!!!!!

So BRING ON the next treatment (May 21), I am ready for you!! I think I might have figured you out chemo!!! Yeah, I've got your number!!!

So jump with me and whoop it up!! We are almost there!!! Almost there!!!!

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone

All of the bad feelings have disappeared

Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin?

forIt’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin but blue skies

Look straight ahead, nothin but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,

I can see all obstacles in my wayGone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)Sun-Shiny day. - Johnny Nash

6 Down 2 more to go!!

2009-05-07T17:20:00.000-07:00

May 7, 2009

I had my 2nd Taxol treatment (6th treatment total) today. It went well, it is just LONG. We got started about 12:30pm and got done at 4:30pm. My Mom and my Dad came from Oklahoma for the text two chemo sessions. I have been so tired lately and cannot sleep through the night. But today, I ended up drifting off for about an hour while in the chemo chair.

The last treatment was hard, but I didn't have Nuelasta and I didn't have to take all the nausea drugs so my head was clearer. The pain was still harsh and since my head was clear, I felt it clearer. The pain was different, mostly severe growing pains in the muscle and bones in my hips, legs, and feet. I couldn't tell you if it was better or worse, just different. The pain last longer each treatment, my oncologist tells me that that is normal because the chemo is accumulative.

But you know what? I am getting through it. I know that it will hurt, but I have lived through it so far and I'm still here. Still fighting. I am still smiling (okay, most days). I tear up when I see other women finish there chemo treatments and leave with their tiara, and my heart hurts for the women that are just starting.

Okay, updates for me?
I still have eyebrows and eyelashes (that is always good).
I still have all my finger and toe nails.

I think that was about it.

FOUR MORE WEEKS!!! FOUR MORE WEEKS!!!
I CAN DO IT!!! I CAN DO IT!!!

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for their loving thoughts, prayers, cards and gifts. You all have given me so much love and support that I need (some days... desperately need).
Thank you so much!!!

My first Taxo Chemo Treatment

2009-04-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

April 23, 2009

I cannot tell you how scared and anxious I was about the new drug. I explained it in my last post, but the idea of anaphylactic shock while having the drug infused scared the crap out of me!! But I had to do it…. Right???

On Thursday, Meg picked me up work (at least I could work two hours before I went in) and we traveled the 20 minutes to my Dr. office. It was going to be a busy day there and I was glad that it was an earlier than normal appointment. Normally I go at 1pm, but this time due to the IV infusion time (and could be side-effects) it was going to take approx. 6 hours. So my appointment was at 10:30am. There were still seats available when we got there and Meg even got to sit on the coveted couch (that one always goes first). So once we settled in they started me up. First was a bag of saline, then my pre-meds (Benadril, Tagomet, a steroid, and a anti-nausea medicine), after that they started the Taxo. My nurse slowed down the drip for the first 30 minutes to see if I would feel anything. Nope, a little warm, but that was it. So she upped the drip after that.

Meg was a lot of fun. We had never got to just chat with out our babies and we were laughing so hard, I probably snorted a couple of times and not noticed (or at least I hoped nobody else would). At one point I turned to the lady hooked up to an IV next to me, we were talking about what cancer each other had and she had told me that this was her third re-occurrence of breast cancer…. Yup, you read it right. She had had it 3 times. Her cancer was triple negative (the REALLY nasty one) and she was BRAC2 positive (the mutated gene) and she said this final time she took her Dr. advise and got a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy. You know that story, you thought you were poor cause you had no shoes, until you met a man that had no feet? That was exactly how I felt. She told me that since I did not have the mutated gene, not to worry, I would be fine. But she was just fighting it every time… Wow, her courage.

Once she left, there was another woman that came to sit by me and she was a first-timer. After she was hooked up, she asked me a few questions. How many treatments I had done, how was I coping, when did I loose my hair. We had a long talk. I told her that I wouldn’t lie to her, there were days I felt like crap, but really only a few every other week. The hardest thing was to loose my hair, but you do get use to it. I was laughing with her for a lot of my session, she seemed very nice and she didn’t seem as nervous when we finished talking, which was good.

There was a woman (bless her heart) that was her last treatment… The nurses presented her with a purple rhinestone crown and we all clapped as she left for the last time, Meg and I cried with each other at something so touching. To know that in three more treatments that will be me!! I will wear that crown proudly and for probably a few days too, hell you will probably have to pry that friggin’ crown out of my hand to get it away… hahaha!

At one point, the whole room of about 10 chemo women and their guests were talking. Comparing stories, about the hardships, but what they are looking forward too. It really felt great! Meg, who had never come to something like this said it was amazing to her to be in a place was in essence suppose to be depressing and to see the courage and support that these women, regardless of age, religion, and race were giving each other. It was really fascinating and heartwarming to her.

Finally I finished my bag of drugs and had another small saline bag and my heparin flush and I was ready to go!!! I had faired the Taxo, I only hope that this weekend would be better than with the last drug. But I don’t need to have the Nuelasta (yeah) and I won’t need to take all the nausea medication (yeah!) so that is two pluses right there.

On my departure, I had to make an appointment for my next chemo appt. My nurse, Nancy told me that the first-timer I was sitting next to's sister told her that she was so petrified about starting chemo, but after talking to me she felt a lot better. She said that my spirit and my smile made her confident that she too could beat this...

Who knows... Maybe I was some one's angel today.

My Baby Mommas

2009-04-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

April 17 - 19, 2009

I have referrenced my "Baby Mommas" many times. They are a group of about 16 women that had babies all due during the same week as Natalie. We have become quite tight and they are wonderfully supportive. We are actually called the "Bountiful Baby" Mommas, but when I talk about them, I just refer to them as my "Baby Mommas". My Baby Mommas are great, every week I recieve a new gift / card / flower arangment / balloon, something letting me know that I have their thoughts, prayers, and well wishes.

On Friday April 17, I got home from work with the girls and started dinner. Chris told me that I had missed call from Bridget (one of the baby mommas). I took my phone and was calling her back when the someone knocked on the door. When I opened it, it was Bridget!!! Actually Bridget, Sharon and their babies (well I guess they are toddlers now). They had drove all the way from New York to spend the weekend. I found out that these two wonderful women had planned the trip for over two months and had even made sure that they came on a non-chemo weekend so I would be able to enjoy their trip.

On Saturday morning, Meg came up with her baby at about 9:30am. It was so nice to spend the weekend with these women and their children. Our breakfast, lunch and dinners consisted of 5 adults, 1 teenager, 1 pre-schooler and 4 toddlers, oh and don't forget.. 1 dog!! They were hectic but SO MUCH FUN!!!

We had a sleep over and everyone stayed until Sunday afternoon. It was wonderful.

I have to tell you, I was having a really crappy week. I got a cold the weekend before, it was on the verge of bronchitis. I couldn't sleep well because I couldn't breathe. My energy seemed to be dwindling this past couple of weeks. This weekend, my friends helped give me a renewal of energy, I think by just making me laugh. On Saturday night, after all the babies were asleep (which was a feet by itself) the four of us Mommas went outside in the night on my deck and just sat, talked and laughed so hard. It really made me feel good.

So thank you ladies!!! Thank you for the french toast, the lasagna, hummingbird cake and the slices of cake from Magnolia Bakery. Thank you for making me feel better, for making me laugh, and most of all for your friendship.

Oh, and as a P.S. Thank you Chris for being the best husband in the world. He cooked for us and took care of the dishes and our babies so I was able to spend some time with the girls. I love you so much!!!

4 out of 8 done!!!

2009-04-22T11:22:00.001-07:00

Okay, 4 out of 8 chemo treatments done!!! Yeah!!!

My last chemo session (the 4th) was Easter weekend, so I wanted to keep the kids with me for the weekend due to the holiday. Chris let me sleep in both days and I took a nap when the girls did and I was doing pretty well until Sunday mid-morning. But by then Chris was taking the girls to my In-laws house for Easter dinner. I stayed home so I could rest (and be in pain) and they brought dinner home to me. It worked out great… except I got a bad cold from the baby. By Tuesday I was hacking and had to go to my primary care doctor. Due to my lowered white blood count, she was worried that my cold would quickly move into my chest and was already on the verge of being bronchitis. So I was put on a heavy antibiotic and sent on my way. I am still congested, but now (thanks to a netty pot) I can breathe at night. So that is good.

My next chemo treatment is April 23, 2009 and it is with Taxo. My friend and fellow “Baby Momma” is taking me. Poor Meg, she gets the chemo treatment that is going to last 5-6 hours and I can have an allergic reaction to. But at least if I am going to go through that she will have me laughing through it.

With this drug, I won’t have to be on all my nausea medicines, which is REALLY good (which hopefully means no constipation). I also won’t have to have the Nuelasta shot the day after (which causes me so much bone pain). But this drug has its own nasty side effects…
Total hair loss (eyebrows, eyelashes, nose and ear hair)
Fatigue
Muscle weakness (like the flew)
An allergic reaction during the time of infusion (with each dose). A kind of anaphylactic shock reaction.
Numbness and tingling (needle pricks) in my fingers and toes
Nail changes (blacken, fall off, flip up)

I think I can handle these if I can just not feel so crappy all the time!! But we will see!!!

3 Out of 8 Chemos Done!!!

2009-04-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

April 7, 2009

Oh crap, I didn’t even realize we were already in April!!

Just thought I would drop a post about how I’m doing…. I have finished 3 out of my 8 chemo sessions. My 4th session will be my last of the AC drug (thank God!!!). Actually I don’t think that the chemo drugs are that bad to me, I take enough nausea daily that I really don’t feel that nauseous, but between the Nuelasta shot (the shot to increase my white blood cells) which makes every bone in my body (especially my upper body) burn and ache, and the constipation I get from the nausea medicines. I am sooo ready to be done with this drug.

My next drug is called Taxo (of course that is the short name for it). It has a different set of side-effects. Hair loss (my remaining) and muscle aches are the major ones. It also has a chance of anaphylactic shock while getting the drug (they will be watching me a lot during my first dosing, April 23rd). But there is suppose to be no nausea with this one (no constipation medication) and it doesn’t effect the white blood cells as harshly, so no shot afterwards… Can I here an AMEN!!!!! It is still an ugly drug, but I’m hoping that it is not so bad.

So the run-down of how I’m doing…

Hair Loss – I had to shave my head to bald. The itchiness of my fine 100 hairs that were left on my head was just too much! I know many of you wonder about my “other” hair? Well, it hasn’t fallen out, but a lot of it has seized to grow. I shaved my armpits last week and haven’t had to all week, same with my legs and other places ;-). I am slowly loosing my nose hair too, so my nose is a slow leaky faucet. I do still have my eyebrows and eyelashes for the time being.

Body – It seems to take me longer and longer to bounce back and feel good after a chemo treatment. This past treatment, I didn’t get the heart palpitations (that is good), but it seemed to take most the week before I actually felt better. When speaking about this to my doctor, I found out that it is normal. Because the drugs are accumulative, each time I have a chemo treatment they compound on each other and it will take longer to feel better.

Mind – I went to see a clinical counselor that is offered through Suburban Hospital’s Breast Center. I spent two hours crying… It was really good. There is so much to deal with sometimes I just don’t think that I can keep it together. It was really nice to talk to her and she told me of some things that I can do to lighten my load a bit.

Family – Everyone is doing good as well. All of us cannot wait for spring!

Let me see… I think that is about it.
Oh, wait…
I got some great news the other day. Two weeks ago, I met with my oncologist to have genetic counseling. When she sees a breast cancer patient who is not yet 40 years old, she will recommend genetic testing. It sounds easy enough, but everything changes if you are found to have the BRAC1 or BRAC2 genetic mutation, and not only for you, but also for your family members as well. For me, it would give my cancer a 40% – 60% chance of returning (regardless of my precautionary cancers I am doing now). To lessen that chance it would be recommended to have a double mastectomy and have my ovaries removed. I know it sounds a little extreme, so you can see why it is a tough decision. Fortunately, I found out that I DO NOT have the genetic mutation!!! Yeah!!! What does that mean? It means that my cancer is what I like to refer to as the “What the Hell” cancer. No rhyme or reason, just what the hell. But a HUGE sigh of relief for not only my sister, but also my daughters. Of course me having breast cancer puts them at higher risk than the average woman, but they don’t have the mutated gene. Yeah!!!!

Thank you Meg and 98Rock

2009-04-04T18:11:00.000-07:00

If you read my entire blog, than you know who Jordan Knight from the New Kids On the Block. If you haven't gotten there yet, than you can read my blog entitled "Jordan Knight" written in January. But here is a quick run-down....

I have group of wonderful Mommies, they are all over the Untited States. We met online because all of our babies were due in the same week, of course they were not all born in the same week, but we got to know each other very well during our pregnancies. We started at about 30 of us, and since the babies were born, we have dwindled down to about 16-20. But we are very close. So when the cancer thing hit, these women were struck hard as well. Because they knew me so well, and knew my true obsession and love for the New Kids on the Block (particularly Jordan Knight). I recieved on of my favorite gifts from my "baby mommas", an authentic Jordan Knight 14" doll, circa 1987. I loved it, it was the biggest laugh I have had since this whole cancer thing happened.

Jordan has come to all of my appointments. He was at my meetings with my surgeon, my biopsies, my exams, my doctor even allowed him to come into the Operating Room when I had my lumpectomy and my axillary dissection. My surgeon put him on the pillow next to me on the operating table. He has been to all my chemo appointments and I plan that he be there with me through radiation as well. Of course my family and my friends, Chris my husband, are alway there for me. But having Jordan there, is having my baby mommas there too.

We take pictures at all our appointments.. so here are a few of Jordan's travels....

This was the day I got my Powerport put in.

My first chemo treatment.

This is Stacy my hairdresser (the best in the world), when she died my hair pink.

This was at my latest Emergency Room Vist (see previous post).

Well, when Meg (one of my baby mommas), found out that I had bought tickets to the New Kids on the Block concert and she was on a mission to have me meet my... 20 year old obsession. On the Monday before the concert, she picked me up and we drove to Baltimore and we went to the radio station 98 Rock. Now 98 Rock is a Heavy Metal radio station, so the last thing I was expecting was to talk about the New Kids on the Block. But after they spoke to me a little about my breast cancer, they shocked me with an email that Meg had written them....

Good Afternoon -
I have no idea if you can help me, but I am looking for advice and enjoyed listening to your station when I was in college in Baltimore. "New Kids on The Block" is coming to Baltimore in about a month (please don't stop reading yet). My friend was recently diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer at 35 years old, and i die-hard fan. She already has tickets, but I was wondering if you could give me advice on trying to get her a photo op with the band or something. I realize that your radio station is in no way affiliated with the show, nor are you some sort of adult "Make a Wish Foundation", but I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask if you had any pointers or could at least point me in a direction. I'm kind of at a loss here, but am willing to look ridiculous to try to afford her an opportunity. I'm sorry to bother you, and thank you in advance.

I was... um... embarrased? hahaha. But after harassing me a little over NKOTB, they told me that I would be meeting the New Kids!!! OMG!!! I was so friggen excited!! I also thought it was funny when they asked for her to remove her top (I means she did say anything, right?). I believe the comments made was that they wanted "Teets for Meets". Yup, Teets. No she didn't do it, but I still got the meet the boys!

So the night of the concert (after beeing released from the hospital the night before). I went to the concert with Gitte, the one I used to go to all the concerts with, so it was very fitting. (No, Meg didn't come with me, she wouldn't have stepped foot in a New Kids concert, hahaha).

Me and Gitte at the concert with Jordan.

There were only about 9 of us +1 (so about 18 of us) total. We were informed that we couldn't get autographs, only one picture and the woman from Live Nation said it could be with our group. Then the boy's bodyguard came out and informed us that 9 groups were too much and combined the groups so that there were us plus three more. But as long as we got to meet them, I didn't care who was in the picture....

Especially when you can so cleverly use a cropping tool.... hahahaha!!!

It was SO exciting!!!
Thank you you Meg and Balitmore's 98Rock!!!

How Did I Get Here?

2009-03-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

March 16 - 17, 2009

This round of chemo was better than the last. I received my treatment on Thursday and went to work on Friday. On Saturday about 2pm it hit me. My body and bones just ached Saturday evening and all day Sunday. Monday I had to wake up early and then went to work. No matter how much I tried to push through the day, I couldn't make it. I called Chris about 2:30 to come pick me up. My stomach hurt, my breathing seemed labored and I was getting dizzy.

Tuesday, I called in to work from home. I called the nurses at my Dr. office because it just seemed like my heart was beating was really hard. I felt as though I had to consciously breathe to get in enough oxygen. They told me that I was probably dehydrated. Which makes sense since I was having digestive issues too. Okay, so I drank more... a lot more. By 8pm that night, my breathing hadn't gotten any better. I asked Chris to listen to my heart and listen to my pulse. He did and said that my heartbeat was irregular. It would beat too fast and then skip a beat. He told me to call the Dr. K's office and tell her. I did, she told me that the chemo drugs I was on could cause blood clots and arrhythmia, then she told me the last thing I wanted to hear... I needed to go to the emergency room.

Chris' parents drove up and stayed with the kids while we went to the E.R. I cried the entire time in the car. Between my sobs, I kept apologizing to Chris for having to go. Of course he told me don't be silly, but as it was getting harder to breathe, I just kept thinking, "I'm going to die from this. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but in the end... I'm going to die from this."

As soon as we walked in, I was swept back to triage and they set me up with an EKG and I thought, this is going to be quick. Well, I guess once they figured out that I wasn't having a stroke they could drop me in the waiting room and left me there until 1:30am. When I was finally brought back to the E.R. I was exhausted (hadn't anyone ever told the ER docs that you cannot keep a chemo patient up that long)? The doctor came in and said that she wanted to order some tests to rule out blood clots, not long after she left the nurse came in and hooked me up to the monitors and got my IV (on the first shot no less). After finally taking my pulse (nobody had until then) said that I had a "skip in my giddy-up". I think Chris felt vindicated! I DID have an irregular heartbeat.

I was in the ER until 4:45am when they decided to keep me for a 24 hour observation. In the mean time, I had x-rays, lung tests, and blood tests. I think they wanted to let me go, but Dr. K said that they needed to keep me because of the chance of arrhythmia due to the chemo drugs. At 5:45am I was finally moved into my room in the IMCU (Immediate Care Unit). I was so tired, poor Chris still had to drive home. Once settled he left me to go home and try to get some sleep. I fell asleep and between 5:45 and 8am, I was woke up 4 times for blood pressure and blood work. By 8am I just decided to stay up, oh my gosh it was SO FRUSTRATING!!!

I was taken for a chest CT and that was the weirdest test! The tech explained that they were going to have to push the contrast very fast and could hurt (it did). But instead of being cold like the other contrasts I have had, it was warm/hot. The tech told me that it would warm me all over and I would feel like I would pee my pants. WHAT?? Don't worry, he told me, nobody has... Yet. Oh that makes me feel better. And oh my goodness, it does make you feel like you are going to pee all over the place, it only lasted for a few minutes, but talk about uncomfortable!!

I also had an heart echo done. That wasn't as uncomfortable, but my heart was so erratic while they were doing the test. Even my nurse came in to see what I was doing because my heart rate was so high. My blood pressure would go from 150 to really low at 90. Finally about noon, my pressure finally leveled out to my normal 110.

Chris' parents came to visit me at about noon, and Chris came around 1pm. The attending physician came into see me and pretty told me that I either have diabetes or anxiety. Uh... Okay, well I don't have diabetes, so anxiety?? That was just crap. He returned only a few minutes after leaving and said that there were some abnormal spikes in my heartbeats and requested a cardiologist to come see me. The cardiologist came in, maybe stayed a whole 5 minutes (please note that my words are dripping with sarcasm). He was there long enough to basically say that there is nothing wrong with me (of course other than the cancer). He said that people get heart palpitations all the time, yes they can even last for a few days.

I really think that because I am so young (I was the youngest one in the IMCU, every other person was over 76 years old) nobody took me seriously. It really pissed me off. They still wanted me to stay overnight again, so after Chris and I talked about it, he went out to the nurses station and told them that there was no reason for us to stay here. He told them to get my discharge papers ready because he IS taking his wife home. Sabrina (my nurse) was awesome and got all my paper work ready for my release.

On Thursday, I had an appointment with Dr. K. After reviewing all of my tests (and there were a lot), she said that some people react to chemo with heavy heart palpitations. Guess that would be me, crap!!

Chris took a few pics of my while I was in the my hospital room. I didn't look at the pics until I got home and it was so hard. I just cried, how do you go from this...
To that... in just three months?

It is just not fair.

The Loss of a Good Friend....

2009-03-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

First let me say that my second session of chemo was a lot better than the first. On the day after my second session, I woke up, got into the shower and when I ran the my hands through my hair I pulled out a full handful of hair. You know that it is going to happen and you think that you are emotionally ready for it... But you know what? You aren't.

Friday night I had Chris use his electric shaver and shaved my head. Everyone got into the excitement, even my three year old help make mommy "bode" (bald). Then she wanted Daddy to shave her head too! But I said no to that, her hair is just too pretty. Even I got into the action, I wanted to do the top myself and pull a "Britney Spears". I still felt cute, that is until I would look into the mirror. Then I just felt like I looked like Robert Irvine from "Dinner Impossible" on the Food Network.

I wore it like that for two days but there was little hairs falling out everywhere, it constantly felt like you had just gotten a haircut so by Tuesday I put my head under the bath facet and rubbed my head until the hair stopped falling out and when I looked in the mirror I probably had only 100 hairs left. It looked so sad... Like I had cancer....

On Wednesday night, I had Chris shave my hair the rest of the way down to bald. Just when you think it is bad, it just gets worse. So now I look like a cue ball.

I think the hardest thing about having cancer has been loosing my hair. I still can't talk about it without crying. My husband still loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. My baby giggles when she sees my bald head, my thirteen year old doesn't say much, and my 3 year old loves to have me take off my hat and kiss my "bode" head.

Your hair is like a good friend. Sure, it might not always work for you, or have the same opinions as you (bad hair day), but it is yours, it is a part of you good days and bad. And just like a good friend you don't realize how much you miss it until it is gone... So right now, do me a favor, no matter how long or short your hair is toss it around for, run your fingers through it for me and tell it you are glad it is there! Come on.. Do it for me!

My Messenger, Sent From God

2009-03-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

I met a woman today, I think she was sent from God... let me explain...

I am feeling a lot better ( a few tummy aches here and there, but that is it), but I was not looking forward to what was coming... The wigs are just pissing me off, my port (which everyone said is so wonderful) sucks and hurts! So I just knew that something was wrong with it and me.

I had an appointment for physical therapy today and started at 12 noon. At 12:30 this woman came in (about 35-38) in with below the shoulder blond hair. She was on the arm machine and I heard her say something about radiation to my physical therapist, Kelly. I assumed breast cancer. She must have opted for the the mastectomy and radiation with no chemo cause she still had her hair (or she was one of the lucky ones). Well, we ended up getting e-stem (this is where they put the pads on your shoulder and turn on the electrodes) at the same time and I (horded) my way into the conversation. I told her that I had just finished my first chemo round and it was hell. She said that she had been through it and onto her seventh radiation appointment.

"Oh," I said, "you didn't loose your hair? that was nice."
"Oh my god yes," she said, "none of this is mine."
"WHAT?" I said, "It looks great! I would have NEVER known. Every wig I try on scream CANCER!!!"
"This one did when I first put it on, but when they were finished thinning it and trimming it, it was great. I wear it everyday. I don't even take a day off on the weekends." She told me more about "Amy of Denmark" a wig shop in Wheaton, she was raving about them.

Then she told me that she HATED her port. She said don't get her wrong, she knows it is a necessary evil, but she hated it, it was in her bra strap and everything I'm going through. She said she had it removed the minute she could. Thank God I'm not an idiot!!! Then she bitched a little about Radiation.

It sounds stupid, but it was so nice to talk to a lady that is one step ahead of me. I think she was sent from God to let me know that I am not the only one bitching and complaining, and... I can do this!!!
Well, that and the Shamrock Shake I had after PT helped as well.. hahaha

My Mom's Taco's

2009-03-03T09:14:00.001-08:00

Oh, I figured we have had enough doom and gloom to last a while. I wanted to give you a highlight of my week.....

My Mom's tacos...

Oh how I love my Mom's tacos! There is nothing like them. Last night when I got home, exhausted from work. I came home to the sweet smell of frying corn tortilla shells and the meat, I like to think of it as a nectar from the gods. She had it all ready for us. The meat in beautiful crisped shells (but soft enough to envelope the meat without breaking the shell), the crisp lettuce, the chopped red tomatoes, and shredded cheese.

Whether you eat them meat, cheese, lettuce and tomatoes (as my Daddy says is the correct way) or meat, lettuce, cheese and tomatoes (as the rest of us at the table eat them), they are heaven.

I ate three tacos and enjoyed every bite, and when it was over she packed me up three for lunch. Words cannot describe how the love and warmth filled through me.

One plus to having cancer, my mom and dad are here and I get..... TACOS!!

Oh, I wonder if I could get her to make some enchiladas before they go.....

Chemo - Day 5

2009-03-02T12:47:00.000-08:00

March 2, 2009

Believe it or not, I am at work today.... There was a terrible snow storm, but I got up at normal time. I got in the shower (had to have two crackers while IN the shower) but I got dressed and I'm friggin' here. I feel very hazy and foggy. I cannot concentrate on any thing fully, I just feel like I'm kind of blowing in the wind. They call this "Chemo-Brain". It is very irritating and I want to just scream to make it go away, but it won't. I do feel better today. The pain in not so bad. My stomach is jittery, but that is it. My skin feels a little numb to the touch. It feels funny.

I have also decided that I know why nobody talks about chemo treatments... It is because nobody wants to relive being in hell. Hurting that way. There are not words that can express how bad I felt. I don't want to do that again, ever. Yet in just 11 more days I have to start it all again. I am praying that maybe that port and the IV sedation made it a little too overwhelming for my system. I am praying that that is the reason I had such a bad time this go around. But I can tell you now, that the idea of being in that chair and doing it again.... Oh god, I don't want to... I am going to make it through today and tomorrow will be a little better. Baby steps right?

Oh and since it is March, McDonalds has it's Shamrock Shakes on sale and I'm going to try to talk Chris into taking me there on my way home so I can have one.... I have wanted one ALL DAY!!

Chemo - Day 4

2009-03-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

March 1, 2009

Today I am suppose to be getting better. I only have medicines to take in the morning and at 4pm. Nothing for evening. I don't feel any better. I still ache everywhere. I think I would feel better if I could take some ibuprofen for the bone and muscle pain (which normally I would be able to), but I cannot take ibuprofen or aspirin right now because of the port surgery, and the chance of bleeding out. So I'm stuck with frickin' Tylenol!! Just doesn't seem to cut it!!

I have decided that I don't think people with small children should get cancer. It is hard enough on you to go through treatments, but having to go through it with little ones and the guilt you have that you cannot be there for them is excruciating!!!! I have had to limit my contact with them for my sake (the pain) and theirs (my patients). But I'm hoping that it will get better.

My Chemo calender is down. It sounds great, to have someone with me supporting me when I am going through this... But to be honest, and I don't want this to sound bad,mean, or ungrateful but I don't want to see anyone or have anyone here with me when I am in this much pain. That is how bad if feels. I just want to be left alone for days 1-4. At least for right now. If it should change, and I can make it through a weekend with out wanting to slash my own wrists, I swear I will put the calender back up. But not right now. I'm sorry. (Mom and Dad, that DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU!! YOU ARE A GODSEND RIGHT NOW TO ALL OF US!!! THANK YOU)

Chemo - Day 3

2009-03-02T12:21:00.000-08:00

February 28, 2009

I will just call this day HELL!! Oh my God could it hurt anymore???!!!

My whole body hurts. I don't know where to start....

First, I swear I have to roll over in the morning and eat a cracker, just to have something in my stomach. I think even with the medicines, my best day with chemo-nausea is my worst day being pregnant with morning sickness. Then, my skin burns, it feels like a have a horrible sunburn through out my body from my inside out. Especially on the back of my neck and where my hair line is. Oh, I think that when you loose your hair it must hurt, because every hair follicle on my head hurts right now. I think your hair follicles must just give up the fight and let go.... God I would love to just let go....

My bones hurt. When I went into the bathroom, to get undressed to take a shower (like an idiot I thought it would make me feel better) I tore off my clothes and looked at my body. I knew that every bone in my body, my ribs, sternum, arms, pelvis, legs had to be bright red from the burning...nope nothing. Chris came in to help me wash my hair and I just started crying because it hurt so bad to have him touch me. New rule in my house during days 1-4, no touching Laurie Jo!!! Hell, no breathing on her either...that hurts too!!!

The rule wouldn't be so hard to adhere to if you didn't have a 1 and 3 year old. My poor babies!! I try so hard not to let this affect them, but all my baby wants to do is be on Mommy's lap. She will get on my lap and just lay with my (on my port side so she is killing me) push herself against me to get off, and the minute she does she cries to be back in my lap. I am trying to love her, but her tears match mine as I have to pass her off to my mom and go upstairs to cry and eventually fall back to sleep. I think my 3 year old is just scared. She knows Mommy doesn't feel good (I never lay down or nap) and she just wants so bad to hug me and love on me. It is so hard to try to take care of them when I cannot even take care of myself.

I still cannot eat very much, if at all. I believe I had a scramble egg (protein) for breakfast and had a cheese quesadilla for lunch. Nothing tastes good, just metallic. I went upstairs to lay down and Chris came up a little later to see if I wanted to come for dinner (3 hours later). My days are passing into one another and I am in a little of a fog. Nothing seems right to me....

Chemo - Day 2

2009-03-02T12:10:00.000-08:00

February 27, 2009

I thought today was a pretty good day. I woke up feeling less nauseated. I have to take 3 or 4 medicines in the morning, at 4pm and at bedtime, so I'm sure that helped. At about 1pm my Mom and Dad took me back to Dr. K's office for my shot of Neulasta. Neulasta is a drug that I receive the day after my Chemo treatment (on day 2) and it revs up my white blood count. The side-effects (other than burning when being injected into my stomach) are bone aches. Which makes sense... It is making you bone marrow work overtime to bring you white blood cells back up in a shorter amount of time.

Normally, my white blood cells would get back to their normal amount in about 20-21 days. That is not good if my treatments are every 14 days. With Neulasta, it will take 5-7 days to bring my white cells back up. Okay, what is a little bone pain right??

After my shot, I went up to the next floor in the same building for physical therapy. It was a little tiring, not so much because of the chemo, but because my power port was killing my shoulder. I did that for about an hour and slept on the way home.

Later that night, I could feel my long bones aching (my hips, femurs, sternum). I could tell that this was not going to feel good at all. My muscles were also starting to become very sore and ache (that is a side-effect from the chemo). I went to bed a little early.

Chemo Day 1

2009-03-01T05:26:00.000-08:00

February 26, 2009

When taking chemo medicine, you are on a 4 day cycle. So I think that that is how I will write this.

Day one - The day of Chemo.
We showed up at about 11am. We had just come from the hospital and I had a needle still sticking out of my power port, so it would be easier to start chemo. I chose a chemo chair (recliner) that had a couch and another chair beside it for my husband, Mom and Dad. The first thing they had to do was take some blood and check my blood counts to make sure I would be ready for the treatment. There were two other ladies there, older, bald, and by themselves. The first IV packet they gave me was called Emend. This was a anti-nausea medicine. It took about 30 minutes to run through. Then my nurse Jennifer (a wonderful woman) hooked me to a saline bag and let that run for about 3-4 minutes. Then she took two LARGE syringes of red drug (this is the actual chemo drug called Adriamycin. She does this as an IV push. I remember tasting and smelling some kind of alcohol, but that was about it. Jennifer told me that it would come out in my pee as well. Wow, I should really start taking all of these pee pictures, I will probably have peed the rainbow after it is all over.

After she was done pushing in both syringes. She injected the second chemo drug (Cytoxan) into the saline bag and just let that drip. After that dripped in, I had one more bag of anti-nauseau medicine and then she flushed out my port with hepparin. It was pretty simple and took about 3 hours all together. I felt pretty good, and Jennifer told me that I would probably not feel any nausea until Friday night. I made my next appointment for my neulasta shot (this is the shot that boosts my white blood cells) and then I made my appointment to meet with Dr. K the next week, and my next Chemo session (March 12th). We decided to leave and go get some lunch cause we didn't know how long it was going to be before I got nauseas (if I did).

We decided to go to Cheeburger, Cheeburger for lunch. I was still feeling good. Thank goodness I thought. I am going to be one of those lucky ones that don't get a lot of side effects (yeah for me). I ordered my lunch, my mom, dad, and husband ordered theirs, and as I was looking at the menu, it was like a 10 ton brick landed right on me.... You know when you go out drinking and you have a "good" drink that you cannot taste the alcohol in, so you drink too much? Then after you leave the bar, you go to a little dive to eat and it hits you all at once? THAT is exactly what happened. I started to have hot flashes, cold sweats, I left for the bathroom and ended up sitting on the floor, draping my body across the toilet. My Mom came in to check on me. I finally made it back out to the dining area, the rest of my burger (I was able to eat half before the melt down happend) was wrapped up and I was helped to Chris' truck.

I thought I was going to vomit all the way home. I just rode in the passanger seat, trying to keep everything down. When we got home, I went up to my room and laid down in the dark until dinner. I took the pills that I was suppose to take at 4pm. My 3 year old came to see me and told Chris that all she wanted to do was lay with Mommy. Her Mommy was tired and so was she. So she quietly laid beside me in the dark room until dinner was ready. Then she went down stairs to eat and when they were finished, made sure that I had dinner brought up to me (homemade chicken noodle soup). She fed me a couple of bites, but the nausea was so bad that is all I could eat. Chris brought all the girls in to say good night to me before they went to bed and about 8pm I called Dr. K. I had already taken all the anti-nausea stuff and the extra compazine as well. She told me that I had to REALLY eat bland and that crackers or rice should be the only think on my plate right now. I ate a few crackers, took another pill and found some energy to go down stairs and sit to watch TV for a few hours.

Putting in the Power Port

2009-03-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

February 26th, 2009

I had set our alarm to go off at 4:45am so that Chris and I could get showered, dressed and out the door by 5:30am to get to my appointment at Suburban Hospital by 6:30. Unfortunately when I was fixing the alarm clock, I didn't take it off weekend mode, so at 5:30 in the morning I woke up and started freaking out.... We were going to be late!! Chris and I both took very quick showers and were able to run out the door at 5:45am. My Mom and Dad are hear and were going to help get the kids dressed and to daycare at normal time.

We got to the Hospital at 6:30am and after admitting, went to radiology. We were brought back pretty quick (since we were the only ones there). Once there, I got the gown on and we waited. I was doing my physical therapy exercises for my shoulder while we were waiting. Finally a nurse came to take some blood and do my IV. She tried once and didn't get it. It hurt so bad!! She told me that she would only try once and got another nurse to help. The other nurse, a gentleman, found a usable vein in my wrist. Chris was sitting in the chair next to the bed. During the commotion of trying to get the stick and taking blood, Chris disappeared. After it was all over, I asked the nurse if I could use the bathroom. "Of course," he said. I asked him if he knew where my husband had gone? He said that maybe the IV was a little to much for him and he needed to lie down...
I explained to the nurse, that my husband is a volunteer firefighter, he is fine, I am sure that he just needed to use the bathroom as well. As the nurse was escorting me to the restroom, I almost tripped over Chris' feet in the next room, he was laying on the ground!!!

"I'm fine," he said, I just cannot be there when blood is being taken. I thought I was going to pass out. So I excused myself, and decided to lay down here until I felt better."
I started to laugh! I love that man!!! He is so funny!!

They took me to the Operating Room, and I met the Dr. that was going to put in the Power Port and the Interventional Radiology Tech that was going to close up. They both were very nice and got a kick of Jordan coming to the O.R with me. I didn't have a lot of IV sedation. I would come and go. I felt the sticks of Lidocain. and the pressure of sewing it up. But that was about it. I had some really funky dreams though with the IV sedation. I felt like I was a body from CSI Las Vegas!

They brought me to recovery after I was done, and my Mom and Dad met us there. Next stop... The chemo suite.....
One down, one to go!

Here are some pics of the Power Port.

Wig Shopping!!

2009-02-22T05:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, some of these are really BAD, just trying everything out. Hahahaha!! Notice that Jordan has made an appearence as well. I think am going for the first wig, but my mom is going to come out and see me this week and help me make a decision. I would like to thank my best friend Dani, who helped make this as smooth and fun as it could be.

Baby Steps

2009-02-19T17:23:00.000-08:00

February 19, 2003

I was reviewing my blog and realized that it had been a while since I have posted an update on me, not just the medical stuff, but how I am doing, so that is what I'm going to do with this post...

Physically I am doing a little better. I still hurt, but not as bad. I saw a physical therapist last week and she explained to me that because of the surgery, that there is some scar tissue that has (severely) decreased my range of motion. I could lift my arm up 92 degrees, and that was it. I was given a few exercises that I perform religiously every night and morning so my arm can return to its former glory. My physical therapist, Kelly, told me that she cannot promise me pain free but can reduce my pain drastically. I do my exercises and my arm is getting better. I returned to work on Monday and am so glad. I hate waking up 30 minutes before I used to to exercises, but I love that I get to go to work and feel productive. It took me a few days to catch back up, but by Friday (tomorrow) I will be caught up and ready to begin the new week on Monday.

Emotionally I have my good days and some bad moments. I wouldn't call them bad days, just moments. I might be at work and just feel exhausted, maybe my arm has started to tingle everywhere (not in a good way) and I just want to quit, go home, get under my covers and hide. Then I think, let me just get through today and tomorrow will be better (baby steps Laurie Jo, baby steps).

I have received many cards and letters from friends that I had made all around the world. Janet-san sends me cards about once a week. I get emails from many friends just checking up on me. I even received an email from a colleague and friend of mine from Japan. His mother had lung cancer and she gave me her words of wisdom (thank you for that). It makes me feel so good to know that everyone cares so much, that I have touched everyone's life in a way that they feel so close to me (and I to them). My name has been added to many prayer circles in many different religions and I will take all the prayers I can get. I believe that it is because of those thoughts and prayers that help give the strength when I completely feel done, to take one more step and to realize that each step, no matter how small, is a baby step forward a baby step towards remission.

Remission, hmmm, haven't typed that before. Remission... I don't know if I like that word or not. A part of me knows it means that at least for the time being my cancer is healed or at bay, but I don't like the fact that that word will now be a part of my vocabulary.

Remission.... lymphadema.... cancer..... metastatic.... high risk....

All these words that will now have to be a part of my vocabulary. The last one, high risk, yeah that one really pisses me off. Not only will it be a part of my vocabulary, but because of me, it will have to be a part of my sister's and my little girl's vocabulary too for the rest of their lives.

I went wig shopping yesterday (I will post pictures for your enjoyment later), I invited my best friend to come with me, I wanted it to be a fun and exciting outing. It was nice, but every time I put on a wig, I felt like it was screaming CANCER!!!! Dani kept telling me that they looked real. But to me nothing looked real, they sure as heck didn't feel natural, the wigs were way to poufy, to thick. They felt scratchy and hot, and I felt claustrophobic wearing them. Picking a look that you will have to live with for the next year is tough. The same color, the same length, the same style for an entire year, that is of course unless you purchase another $200 - 300 wig (out of pocket, my insurance will only partially cover 1 in my lifetime) which I won't. Don't get me wrong, we did find a few that I could live with, and a few I just thought were fun to put on. The store didn't have any hot-pink wigs (my happy color), so I will have to choose from the "normal" colors. I picked two out and will bring my mom when she comes out next Wednesday to help me choose.

I am starting chemo this Thursday (one week away). I really haven't decided how I feel about that. I am scared and curious at the same time. I don't know if I should plan to be sick (plan for the worse) and be pleasantly surprised if I don't get sick, or if I should be optimistic and get the carpet pulled out from under me when I start puking all day and night. As I said, I am looking for wigs, scarves, hats and turbans all ready. I have been told to expect to loose my hair between 7-14 days after my first session. Knowing my luck I will be sitting in the chair and as soon as the chemo hits my system my hair follicles all over my body will shriek, "What the HELL is that!!" and all my hair will fall off right there in the chair! Hmmm, I wonder if that has ever happened?

Okay, so it sounds like I have a lot of bad moments... I really don't. For the most part I am getting by a little better everyday. I can now partially shave under my arm, put on my bra, drive and get dressed by myself. Tonight I was able to give Aubrey a bath by myself.

Our family mantra has become "Baby Steps." So every day when I have seen some progress but still hurt, I remind myself, "Baby Steps Laurie Jo, Baby Steps".

My MUGA Scan

2009-02-18T10:29:00.000-08:00

February 16, 2009

Can they do any more test on me???

Why, of course they can! I went to Suburban Hospital today for a MUGA Scan. "The MUGA scan (MUltiple Gated Acquisition scan) is an extremely useful noninvasive tool for assessing the function of the heart. The MUGA scan produces a moving image of the beating heart, and from this image several important features can be determined about the health of the cardiac ventricles (the heart’s major pumping chambers). " (that is from About.com) Dr. K (my Chemo Dr.) has to check my heart muscle's strength since the AC drug in my chemo treatment and can weaken the muscle.

They say that it doesn't hurt... And I guess the "scan" doesn't hurt, but getting stuck with needles twice (or three times in my situation) DOES! You think that after all the testing and contrast I have had, that I would be okay with needles. Nope! Not yet!

I was called in and met with the gentleman that was going to take my blood. "I hope your veins are better than everyone else I have seen today."
"What?" I asked, snatching back my arm.
"Oh, today every patient has had me earning my money."
Okay, I might have been joking with him that he only get one shot. What I was thinking was, "Well if it was EVERY PATIENT, then maybe it wasn't the patients who have had a problem!!"

Low and behold, he stuck me in my arm to get my blood, nope, no blood. He proceeded to take my blood from my hand. Then he left to mix it with a "trace amount" of radioactive isotopes with my blood and let it mix or "cook" as he put it, for 30 minutes and then proceeded to inject it back into my blood stream. This time he chose a vein in my wrist (very close to the outer bone). I was doing okay until the last few minutes of the injection and it was burning!!

Then I followed him into a lab with what looked like a CT or MRI machine. I got on the table and was pushed only went half way in, and on the outside of the machine was these two large pads that rotated around me for a little bit. That was it!

The scan was no problem, I haven't heard the results yet, but I suspect they will be fine and I will start my first chemo treatment next Thursday (Feb. 26th).

Is The Curiosity Killing You? (ADULT CONTENT)

2009-02-14T11:48:00.000-08:00

I don't particularly like flashing my breast around the Internet. But for me, the scariest part about having breast cancer and a lumpectomy was what my breast was going to look like after it was all over. How deformed would I be? Yes, my husband said he would love me regardless, but could I love myself? Would I feel ugly? Less-feminine?

For those of you that have not experience breast cancer (or men) might not understand this. But breasts are a large part of a woman's femininity. We have a small love affair with them.

Are they big enough?

Are they too big?

Are they perky?

Do they sag?

Do they look good in a bra?

At least one of these questions go through every woman's mind at some time in their life. So when I found out that I was going to get a lumpectomy, I was very scared and worried about how deformed my breast would be. If you looked at my breast as a pie, the bottom 1/4 of it (on the inside) was being removed. I believe that if I thought this, that other woman in my situation thought this as well. My surgeon never mentioned what they would look like when they were done. My Midwife tried to show me as much as she could, but that was just scary. Nobody could tell me how "bad it would be". So I decided (with the go-ahead from my husband) to post what my breasts look like after surgery to show someone who might be battling cancer what it looks like (at least what mine looked like) after surgery.

I was VERY pleased with how my lumpectomy turned out. I believe that after all is said and done and I am finished and healed, my breast will look normal, and fit in my bras without any "help".

You might be questioning the smiley face stickers... Well anyone that knows me knows that for 13 years I worked at (dedicated my life to) Wal-Mart, I left a few years back. You can take the girl out of Wal-Mart, but you can't take the Wal-Mart out of the girl!!!

EGOG 5103

2009-02-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

Because I was young (under 50) and in good health, I have the opportunity to become part of a clinical trial. It is called ECOG 5103.

It is a Double-Blind study (which means neither you or your doctor know which group you are) that adds the drug Avastin to my chemo regiment. Avastin (Bevacizumab) is an IV drug that has been known to help lower the chance of recurrence of cancer in metastatic cancers (secondary cancers). The study is trying to find out if young breast cancer patients will have a lower recurrent rate for a longer period of time. It makes sense... All the studies thus far have been on older women and they don't really need to have THAT long of remission years. But since I'm only 35, I will be 40 when I am completely through with the hormone therapy treatment I still have 30-40 good years left in my for the cancer to come back.

The differences are...

During my first 4 sessions (8 weeks) it is exactly the same, they will just add the extra drug into my IV dose. During the second drug, I will have to go every week, instead of every other week for 12 weeks (instead of the original 8 weeks). At the end of my sessions, I will be unblinded and we will see which group I'm in. Here are the groups:

You receive the placebo only (no drugs).

You get the drug.

You get the drug and an opportunity to stay on the drug for an additional 33 weeks, which equals 1 year).

So now I am completely conflicted. A apart of my wants to say, "HELL NO!! I just want to get through this!" But the other part of me is thinking that every woman given the opportunity said no, then we wouldn't have the life-saving drugs we have now. So after reading about the trial I made a list of my pros and cons.

PROS

If it works (and I am not on the placebo) it could maybe lower my chances of my cancer returning.
I could potentially help another woman in my situation in the future.
The actual drug, Avastin, would be free. I would still pay for the original chemo drugs.

CONS

Having to go every week for 4-5 hours to get the second round of chemo drugs, which could cause work-related issues.
Potentially not have enough time between the 2 sessions for my white blood cells to go back up and any better.
Side effects of just the Avastin: High blood pressure (which is prevalent all through my Mom's family), Hypertensive, Abnormal levels of protein in kidney (could cause liver damage), nose bleeds, sores in mouth and/or throat, skin changes (dryness, itching, discoloration, ulcers), watery eyes. And those are just the "highly likely" side effects. The "less likely" side effects would be blood clots, strokes or heart attacks.
The Avastin would be paid for, any drugs that I received to help with the side effects would not, and my insurance may not pay for it because it is a clinical trial and not yet approved by the FDA for my condition.
If while during my treatment (a full year) on Avastin, if the FDA does approve it for my condition, I would probably have to start paying for it for the remainder of the treatment.
Since it is an IV drug, I would have to return every 3 weeks for a year to keep receiving the treatment, which means keeping the port in that long too.
Can decrease fertility, or make a woman infertile.

So, after heavy deliberation, I decided NOT to be a part of the study. A part of me still feels bad, like I am letting the woman of the future down (who could God-forbid be one or both of my daughters). But with so many side effects, and having the predisposition for high blood pressure, I don't want to have a stroke or heart attack and leave my children without a mother. I want to help other woman, but not at the extend of my children. It may sound selfish, but I want them to grow up with a mother, and right now the original chemo schedule with do just that. So I called Dr. K and let her know that I would NOT be participating in ECOG 5103.

My Chemo Consultation

2009-02-12T08:48:00.000-08:00

February 10, 2009

I had my first visit with my Medical Oncologist today. She will be handling my chemotherapy sessions and hormone therapies after my radiation. She is very nice. Everyone in the office seems GREAT!! My mom and I got to the appointment and met Nickie and Chris there. Lola (the nurse) brought me back to the exam room. I left my entourage in the waiting room until after my exam was done. Dr. K came in and examined my breast, arm and the lymph nodes in my neck. Then she want over my history, personal and medical, and asked me a few questions. She asked about having more kids. I was explaining to her that Dr. A said it wasn't a good idea after treatment and my husband and I discussed it and we don't want to chance having to go through this again, so we decided we wouldn't have anymore.

"How do you feel about that?" She asked.
"I'm okay with it, I am thankful for the girls I have." While I am telling her this I realize that I had been crying throughout the entire "kids" conversation.
"I can see that you may not be completely okay with this." She said touching my arm.
"I am getting okay with it." I said through sobs.
"The reason I ask , is most women your age do still want to have kids, or just don't like the idea of someone telling them that they can't. 80 % of women in their 30s do regain their periods. Also, many women freeze their eggs, you don't have to use them, but then when the treatment is finished (and we don't recommend getting pregnant right away, to wait for a few years) you can go to a fertility specialist to help. I can recommend a wonderful fertility specialist. You can have a conversation with him if you wold like. Know that this is an option, whether you want to take it is up to you and your husband. I won't talk about it in the room with your family, this is a personal decision between you and him."

Just then I felt a lifting of grief. I felt like whether or not we meet with the fertility specialist, whether or not we decide to freeze my eggs, WE will be able to make those decisions. WE will decide, a doctor will not decide this for me.

After this wonderful revelation and a few more questions from Dr. K, I got dressed and met Dr. K, and my family in her office. She had a nice big office and a round table to speak to us at. I loved that. Normally, we are crunched in on the other side of a desk, all trying to fit and look comfortable. So this was very nice. Dr. K gave me a packet that described my cancer and what type it is. It is same stuff that we have gone over at every appointment, but here it is again:

I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma
Stage 3c (meaning more than 10 lymph nodes were infected)
Grade 2 (meaning invasive, medium growing)
My largest mass was 2.5 cm (the Alien), my smallest was 7mm (Bob)
The margins (area around the masses) were negative for cancer (really good news)
The Lymphatic system was invaded
Estrogen and Progesterone receptor positive (by 90% +), which is very good because they know how to kill it.
HER-2 receptor was 1+ (which is negative) but 3% of +1's are actually positive, so they shipped out my specimen again for a more detailed test (called a FISH test). Dr. K is pretty optimistic that it is not HER-2 positive, so we are going to treat it that way
17 lymph nodes had cancer

What I didn't know was that since my cancer has a medium growth activity, it has probably been growing for 2-5 years. Isn't that scary? So while I was pregnant with both my daughters this cancer was inside me.

Okay, down to treatment...
Since my age (young) and health is good (okay relatively good, hahaha) I will have a more aggressive aproach to the cancer. I will be on the 3rd Generation Regimen (also called Dose Dense).

I will be given a combination of two IV drugs for the first 8 weeks. The drugs are Adriamycin and Cytoxan (also known as AC). I will receive them every 2 weeks (so 4 sessions). Each session (when I get the drugs) it will take approximately 3 hours per dose. I know that you all are wondering about the side effects (I was) so here we go...

Hair loss (2 weeks after 1st dose)
Nausea / vomiting (1st 3 days after each dose)
Lowering of blood counts (I will be given an injection the day after treatment of Neulasta that will bring my white cells back up quicker (but causes bone pain, because it makes your bone marrow work on overdrive).
Fatigue
"Chemo-Brain" (cognitive changes, I think similar to pregnancy-brain)
Less than 1% incidence of Leukemia
20% of women to not regain their periods and get sent into Menopause
weakening of heart muscle (I am having a MUGA scan to make sure my heart can take it)

Side note: I couldn't figure out what she was saying. I thought it was a Muggle scan, like in Harry Potter... Ooops!

After the 4 sessions (8 weeks), I will be started on a new IV drug called Taxo. Like the AC, I will get one dose every other week for 4 weeks (8 weeks as well). This drug will take 4-5 hours per dose. There is a different side effects for this drug.

Total hair loss (eyebrows and eyelashes)
Fatigue
There can be an allergic reaction during the time of infusion (with each dose). It is kind of an anaphylactic shock reaction, which I am reassured that the nurses will be watching me like a hawk to remedy any reaction that I may have.
Numbness and tingling in my fingers and toes (which might not go away after treatment if I don't bring attention to them with my doctor).
Muscle aches and pains
Nail changes

That is 16 weeks total. Three weeks after chemo I will start radiation (see radiation post). After radiation I will be put on Tamoxifin for at least 5 years if not more (due to my young age).

Whew!! If that was not enough I am eligible for become part of a double blind trial. (Where both the doctor and the patient do not know if you are taking the drug or a placebo). She went over the trial (I will go itno detail in a different post) and gave me some info to read and to decide whether or not I wanted to join the study.

After all the explanations, Dr. K asked if I wanted a port put in. Due to the IV drugs, it is really bad on the veins to have the IV inserted at every session (not to mention painful), so she suggested that if I have crappy veins, I should consider having a port put in. I asked to see it, so she brought me to the "Chemo Suite". This room was a large room with probably 6-7 recliners. There were a few ladies (older women with no hair) receiving their treatments. I was introduced to Jennifer who will be my Oncology Nurse. She was very nice and showed me a book that showed what the "Power Port" looks like, but put another page over top of it and it showed me what it would look and feel like over the skin. It is A LOT bigger than I thought it would be. it is probably a 1/2 inch square and 1/4 inch deep. It will be put in under my skin around the area of my right collarbone. They will need to puncture the skin every time that they give me the drugs, but I will have a prescription for some numbing creme that I am to "goop" on before every visit. Being that every Tech has complained about my veins since finding out I have cancer, I opted for the port.

Okay, the timing...

I will be going in on Monday at 11:30am for my MUGA scan (this is the one to check my heart muscle before chemo treatments). This should not hurt (other than the IV).

On February 26, I need to be at the hospital at 7:30 in the morning and they will put in my port. There will be local anesthesia and maybe IV sedation (if I have anything to do about it, there WILL be IV sedation). After I am released from the hospital I will be driven to Dr. K's office and start my first chemo session. They will even leave the needle in at the hospital so they can use it for my treatment (how convenient).

I think that is about it. I will go over the clinical trial in another post (after I read more about it), and what my decision is.

My PET CT Scan

2009-02-09T17:26:00.000-08:00

February 6, 2009

Because of the fact that 17 out of 25 of my lymph nodes dissected had cancer, my doctor sent me to get a full body PET CT. This would "light up" any other part of my body (organs or lymph nodes) that could possibly have cancer. Of course the chemo works systemically (through my body through blood) so it should kill the rogue cancer cells, but they wanted to check because more lymph nodes were infected that we first thought. So on Friday at 1pm was my PET CT.

I got two containers of Barium a couple of day prior to my exam and kept them in my refrigerator (I was told they tasted better when they were cold). My flavor choices were berries, orange cream, vanilla or banana. I chose banana. After my first post-op appointment at Dr. A's (see previous post) I cracked open the first container and at 11:30am drank half. I asked my mom if she wanted to go to the mall for a couple of hours since my exam wasn't until 1pm. Nope, she said for two reasons... 1) She wasn't going to drive anywhere, so unless we could walk she wasn't going; and 2) Just in case the Barium gave me diarrhea, she wanted us to be in a place where we had restrooms close by. So we ended up sitting in the lobby of Suburban Outpatient Hospital for two hours. While there we were joking about blog and brainstorming ideas when a lady next to us interrupted our conversation...

"I take it, from overhearing you, you have breast cancer?"
"Yes, I just had surgery." I said to her.
"I am just so sick and tired of people asking,"How are you feeling?" How the heck do you think I am feeling. I am dizzy, I get nauseous, I puke all the time and am lucky if I get one meal down. What do you say to these people."
"What do you tell them Laurie Jo?" My mom asked.
"Like CRAP!" I said.
"You say that?" She asked me.
"Yup. Two things happen, people will either stop asking or avoid you all together, then you don't have to answer that anymore!" We all laughed.

She told me that she had she had Stage 1 breast cancer and although she didn't have cancer in her lymph nodes, she was tested for OncoDX (a new test to show percentage of recurrence) and required her to have chemo anyways. She only had to do 4 sessions of chemo and had only two left. She wished me well and left. Mom and I both agreed that she had a wig on. She only had four sessions, two were finished and had already lost her hair. How long would it be until I had no hair?

I drank my Barium at noon, 12:30, and 1pm. By the time the 1pm drinking came up, we were waiting in the Radiology waiting room and I was SICK of banana!!! Why can't they shake it up a bit and give me one banana, one berry. I don't know, but I felt nauseous. A tech called my name, his name was Brian. I asked him if we were going to have to get undressed (I still cannot get dressed by myself and my mom was there to assist me)?

Brian looked at me funny and said, "Well I don't think "we" will get undressed, I really don't feel like we know each other well enough, but maybe next time." He winked at me.
"No, I mean if I need to take anything off, I will need my Mom's help." It is not often that I get flustered.
"Yeah, bring her in." He smiled.
My Mom and I followed Brian to the changing rooms. He stopped at a door with a radioactive sign on it, "This is very important, this is only your bathroom. You can only use this bathroom and no one else can use it." What the hell were they going to do to me??? Brian brought us to the changing area. I could keep my clothes on (and left my jewelry at home) but I had to take off my bra. So Mom helped me and once done, Brian brought me to another "Radioactive Room" This was my quiet room. Brian explained to me about the test...

"We are going to do a function study test. This is to see if there are any lesions anywhere in your organs. The lining is so thin that the Barium coats everything in your digestive track to get a better view on where the lesions are. I will be giving you a radioactive contrast that will light up if the cancer is anywhere else in your body. You are to be very bored today. I am going to give you the contrast in the IV and then you will sit here for 45 minutes doing absolutely nothing. No reading, no opening the blinds to look out the window, no cell phone talk, that way the contrast will distribute equally throughout the body. Then we will do the scan." Brian brought in the radioactive box that holds the radio-acive material. He told me that the box (which I saw on the last episode on House) was called a coffin. Well the seems appropriate huh? He thought it was poor form. I thought it was funny.

After Brian put in my IV and injected me with the radio-active material, he took out the IV and wrapped up my arm. During my 45 minutes to do "nothing" I took a nap. Then he came back and brought me to the PET CT room. There was a tube-like machine that looked very much like a MRI machine. But his one had a long bench that had a head-holder/clamp. He figured out that due to me recent surgery I would not be able to lift my hands above my head. I laid on the bench and Brian gave me a pillow that I wrapped my arms around the pillow then he strapped me in. I was pushed through the machine and then the machine was calibrated. Then I was pushed all the way through and the scan started at my feet and every 5 minutes I would automatically get pulled through the scan until my whole body had been scanned.

You know there is really nothing to think about when you are just laying there with your eyes closed (you don't want to open your eyes cause the tube is so closed in). So my mind started rambling on it's own. First I prayed for a friend of mine, Julie. Because of my current situation, she went in for a mammogram and was called back for a follow-up.

Side-note: Julie is fine, when they did her first mammogram some breast tissue folded up on itself, when they did it again, it was fine (thank goodness).

Then I started thinking of "what ifs". What if half my body lights up? What if they tell me that I only have six more months to live? What would I do? Oh my goodness, I need to write all my requests down. But who would I give it to? Hmmm. I couldn't give it to Chris, my mom or his mom, they would be completely distressed. I could give it to my sister, but what if she cannot afford to come out (which she later told me she would mortgage her house to come out here). What would I put in the letter? The table moved again, so I was further in the machine. The light around me was getting darker and darker. Keep yours eyes closed. Keep your eyes closed.

Oh I would definitely have to put in what I want to wear for the viewing. I wouldn't want Chris to pick it out (it might not match, hahaha). My wedding dress? No, I want my girls to wear it when they get married. What about the teal and brown shirt I wore for my baby's baptism? Then it hit me... I want to be cremated, do they dress you when you get cremated or just do it naked? Once cremated, what do I want to with my ashes? I know I don't want to be buried. I think I want to be put in a urn and have Chris keep me with him and the girls. When my Grandpa passed away, there was a set of six little urns (my sister called them chachkis). That would work for me. Everyone could have one, Chris, the girls, my sister, my Mom and Dad. But what about everyone else?

The table moved again. What if I got little vials and put a ashes in each one, then make them into key chains. I could put a little metal tag on them. One side would say, "In memory of Laurie Jo N___, 1973 - 20__" The other side would say, "You wanna piece of me?" My sister suggested, "A little piece of ash" hahahah I like them both. It was funny. Here I was deciding on what music I would want played at my funeral, and it wasn't wasn't morbid (okay it WAS morbid), but I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset, it was actually kind of calming.

The table moved again. "Only five more minutes. Laurie Jo and then it will be done." I had to take a deep breath, don't open your eyes, don't open your eyes. I want Chris to get a tatoo of my face on his body. I want him to always remember me and every other woman in his life to know me. Oh, and I want him to put on the back window of his truck one of those "In memory of stickers." Hahaha.

After the exam I got dressed and it was over. It wasn't so bad. I should find out my results on Tuesday at my Chemotherapy Consultation.

I shared my thoughts with my sister and she put in for a chachkies. Any other takers? A key chain or chachki?

I was told that the next time I go in for a test like that, I will be given a list of other things to think about.... hahaha.

My First Post-op Visit

2009-02-09T09:54:00.001-08:00

February 6, 2009

Oh my Friday was busy. I woke up early to start working (I am a medical coder and even though I normally don't work from home, my employer is letting do what I can at home to keep up and so I won't take anymore time off). At about 10:15am my mom and I left to go see my surgeon, Dr. A. I was hoping to get my drain removed today.

My mom is so funny. She drives, but I wouldn't consider her a "driver". She doesn't like to drive outside her town of 1200 (she has my dad who does all the driving, so why would she need to), but she HATES driving in Maryland. I know she sounds like one of those little old ladies that is a terror behind the wheel (she is absolutely not), but driving in Maryland (DC) traffic is very nerve racking for her. So we left 1 hour and 15 minutes early to get to my appointment 35 minutes away. I basically lied to her and told her that we were in Gaithersburg, when actually we were in Bethesda (big difference in traffic), but she gets me there every time (be it 30 minutes early, but by god we get there!!)

Nickie (my Mother-in-law) also met us there. Dr. A saw us early. Brought all of us to the exam room where I stripped down (nope, no more modesty here) and I wrapped the paper sheet around me. Dr. A came in and checked out my incisions. She decided she could remove the tape under my arm and on my breast. I don't know what hurt worse under my arm, her pulling the tape off the incision or pulling the tape off of my underarm hair (I have not been able to shave for about a week-yuck!!) She was very concerned about the fact I that I could not lift my arm above a 90 degree angle and gave me a referral for physical therapy. She wanted me to make another appointment to see her in 10 days (after having physical therapy for a week), but she thought that the incision looked "pretty" (at least it was healing).

She pulled the tape off on the incision on my breast. This wasn't as "pretty", there were a few areas that the edges did not heal so I was seeping in certain areas. She put on a gauze bandage and was on her way.

Anne removed the drain. She came in and took off the plug that connected to the drain. Then she took a syringe and connected it to the bottom of the tube and sucked out all the gook. I call it gook, it was nasty! There was yellow fluid, blood and some chunks.... gross. It didn't hurt, but I could feel it getting sucked out of my arm. By this time I was completely leaning on my mom. Anne then snipped the stitch that was holding the tube in, that pinched. She then cut the tube and took a set of needle-nose pliers to take out the tube. Of course I didn't see this, Mom told me later (thank goodness, I would have either fainted or puked on her). When it was time to remove the drain, Anne told me to take three deep breaths. On the last breath she counted, "One," and she pulled it 1/2 way out, "and two" she pulled it the rest of her way out. It didn't hurt exactly, just felt totally different and strange, but by then the damage had been done. I had to lay on the table, which hurt cause my arm was on a hard surface, it was either that or fall over on top of my mom. Finally after a few deep breaths I felt okay enough to sit up.

When we left the exam room I made another appointment for February 20th, so hopefully I will have more use of my arm. It was 11:30am (the time my appointment was suppose to occur). I had to open the first of my two containers of Barium (banana flavored) for my next appointment at 1:00pm... But that is another blog.

Radiation Oncology Consultation

2009-02-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

February 4, 2009

When you have cancer, you end up having a LOT of doctors. Trying to keep them straight is difficult for anyone that doesn't have cancer. So let me try to break down the process for you....

I have my Midwife who found the cancer.

She turned my case over to my surgeon, Dr. A.

Pathology dictates who I see next. If my lymph nodes have cancer then I need a Medical Oncologist who does the Chemotherapy.

When Chemo is finished, I have a Radiation Oncologist.

After radiation, I go back to my Medical Oncologist (Chemo doctor) to start any hormone therapies.

When that is all done, I should be able to go back to my midwife.... hopefully.

Today I met with the Radiology Oncologist for the first time (Remember we were not figuring that my cancer had spread to the lymph nodes, so I didn't think I had to make an appointment with the chemo doctor.. but as you all know now. We were wrong). None the less, I had made this appointment so we were going.

It snowed last night and there was snow all over the ground. Thank goodness we decided to leave my car with Chris' parents and he drive us in. My mom (who had come to take care of me for two weeks HATES to drive in MD, so rush hour and the snow would not have helped). After driving for 1 hour and 45 minutes, we finally made it to the doctor's office.

When I met with Dr. S this morning. I found out that my case had been discussed earlier at a Breast Conference with my "Team" (Surgeon, Oncology, Radiation, Pathology, and my Breast Liaison). That was good. She was able to go over a lot of helpful information.

The margins of my lumpectomy were negative for cancer (that is GREAT news, it means they got it all). But 17 out of the 25 lymph nodes they took out were positive for cancer. A shock to everyone including my surgeon. Because of this a few things happened...

1. I would now have to see the medical oncologist (Chemo Dr.) first and go through Chemotherapy before I would have radiation.
2. My cancer was re-staged due to the spreading... The tumor size itself would put me at Stage 2, but since more than 10 lymph nodes were infected, my cancer was now a stage 3C. Damn that sounds horrible. The next stage is 4!! That is the worst!!

Dr. S did say that even though stage 3C sounded horrible, my biology was actually quite good. Since I didn't have any risk factors (age, immediate family with history of breast cancer, etc), my cancer is HER-2 negative, and it was Estrogen and Progesterone Receptive positive there were going to be a lot of different options for me when I get to chemo and they were pretty confident that I would survive.

I was scheduled for a total body PET CT to see if cancer shows up in any other organ on lymph nodes. This is being done on Friday.

She explained that about three weeks after chemotherapy I would need 5 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week, on the whole breast.
Then the last week, she would do a "boost" on just the lumpectomy site.

Dr. S said that I was really fortunate that I was able to get a lumpectomy. Since my lymph nodes were infected I would get radiation even if I got a mastectomy. Having the breast tissue makes it easier on my when it is time for radiation. I can tell you that I would be really PISSED if I had opted for a mastectomy so I wouldn't get radiation and ended up with it anyways!

All in all Dr. S was really nice and the side effects of radiation (sunburn and fatigue) seem like cake after getting through with chemo.

I would just like to stop hurting. I am still in so much pain in and under my arm. My breast has decided to come to the pain party too, so it is just hell. All the doctors have told me that after I make that turn, it is amazing how fast I will heal... Can anyone tell my where that turn is?? Cause this is killing me!!!!

Smurfette's Titty

2009-02-03T07:53:00.000-08:00

There are a few things about breast cancer surgery that no-one ever tells you....

Before my surgery, I had to have guide wires put into the masses so my surgeon would find them quicker (hey I'm all for that). First they put the needle in while being guided by ultrasound (this is where they hold the ultrasound Doppler with one hand, and the needle in the other). But before the guide wire is inserted, they put in some blue dye. This is to help the surgeon see where the cancer and the cancer margins are. I didn't realize before my surgery that there was any blue in my breast, it seemed to be contained in the mass.

After surgery, and FINALLY being coherent enough to get dressed (which I don't remember doing), I do remember looking down at my breast trying to put a bra on, and my breast was BRIGHT BLUE!! I'm not talking bruised... It looked like they took a bright blue Mr. Sketch marker and colored my breast blue! I thought that maybe if I could lean down far enough you could smell blueberries (a reference to Mr. Sketch markers that had scents, those were the best markers!!) The entire breast was BLUE! It was from the dye. After a set amount of time, it spread to other parts of my breast. I have Smurfette's Titty. That was the only comparison I could make!!

The nurse also told me when she wheeled me to the rest room that my pee "might be tinged with blue as well". Oh my goodness, I had the blue-est pee you have ever seen!! If I wasn't in so much pain I would have laughed (okay I laughed anyways) and took pictures!!!

My Surgery

2009-01-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

Friday, January 30, 2009

For some unknown reason, I thought that I would be Superwoman and be able write about my surgery the night of or the day after. It has taken until today to feel well enough to use a keyboard. When I wrote the update yesterday, my left arm hurt so bad that I wasn't able to type with it. So it was a VERY LONG one handed post. But I am feeling (a little bit) better today so I think I can attempt to write about the surgery.

It snowed and sleeted on Tuesday night. When we woke up on Wednesday, my 13 year old's school had closed for the day and we were unsure of what was happening with the girls daycare. So we decided to drive all three of them to Grandma and Pop-pop's house for the day, that way we wouldn't be worried about them if by chance the daycare decided to close down while I was in surgery. We dropped of the girls and picked up Nickie (Grandma) and Chris (my husband), Nickie, Jordan (read previous blog on Jordan Knight) and I were on our way to the surgery.

We got there about 9am and my appointment was for 9:30am, but it gave us enough time to fill out all the paperwork and have a seat. I was called to back to the suite and sat in a little recliner (pre-op). I was given a gown to wear (opening to the back, didn't they know what kind of surgery I was having?), a pair of booties and a robe. I put all my belongings in the bag (excluding Jordan) and my stuff was locked up in a locker. Then a nurse sat next to me in my blue recliner and started my IV. Anna was the nurses name, she was very nice, I asked her if she was any good. She told that she had been told that she was. She did something nobody else had, she gave me a numbing shot to give me the IV... Huh, except that numbing shot probably hurt more than the IV, but it was a nice thought. Another nurse, Pat, came over to me to hold my hand when she heard that I was a needle baby. She held my hand with one hand and rubbed my hand with her other while asking questions about my kids. She was very sweet too. The IV wasn't so bad. Another woman brought Chris and Nickie back to sit with me until they took me to Radiology.

When it was time for Radiology (at 10:30am) I walked up the steps with another nurse, she turned me over to the Radiology nurse. It was so funny, there I was with my gown, booties and shower cap on (holding Jordan) sitting in this waiting room and all around me were women with scrub shirts on and jeans, slacks and high heels. Such a dramatic difference from them to me. I was called in and brought to an ultrasound room. The nurse was going over the procedure and said to me that I would be getting four injections of lanacain before the four injections of the radio-active isotope.

"No," I said, "Dr. Alley said that I wasn't allowed to get the lanacain, cause it might cause the isotopes to not get picked up."
"Oh no dear, we wouldn't do that without giving you some kind of numbing."
"I love you." Was all I could say. I had the numbing before, I know that I could handle that, I was good. She laughed at me and got the "box" that had the isotopes in it.

The box was a heavy metal with radio-active stickers on it. It really looked like a fire protective lock-box. I started to laugh. That was until the Radiologist comes in. I have decided that Radiologists are so NOT my favorite doctors. Really none of them have very good bedside manners. Except Dr. O that did my MRI biopsy. This doctor just seem to be inconvenience to even be there with me. She explained the procedure to me: I was going to receive four injections of lanacain for the numbing around my nipple, then four injections of the radio-active isotope in the same places. Then they would insert 2 guide wires in my breast and inject blue dye into the area of the lumpectomy. I questioned the 2 wires. Dr. A only told me I would need the one wire (in Bob) because she cannot feel it. But the Radiologist insisted that it makes it easier and faster for the surgeon if both masses have guide wires... okay...

I knew that I was in for a rough road when the Radiologist said, "The area around the nipple is more sensitive, so just grip something and lets do it."

"1-2-3" she shoved (yes it felt like a shove) the needle in and HOLY CRAP!! The burning!!
"1-2-3" AAAAGGHHHH!!!
"1-2-3" breath Laurie Jo, just breath!
"1-2-3" my fingers hurt from gripping the bed in my left hand and Jordan's legs in my right.

"Okay, no lets do the isotopes." What? Don't I get any breathing time.
"1-2-3" I stared at the ceiling body clenched down to my toes... nothing.
"1-2-3" Nothing, thank you God.
"1-2-3" I knew that he had to be saving me from this pain.
"1-2-3" I breathed.

Okay, now the guide wires. First there is the injection of lanacain, it burned but nowhere near the nipple pain. Then she injected the blue dye in to help Dr. A find the margins... Oh lord that stung. then the wire. "You will feel some pulling and tugging" The guide wire was put into the exact location of the Alien and she was verifying this while working the ultrasound at the same time. Then she did the guide wire for Bob. This time, I was really numb from all the other lanacain, that the dye didn't hurt, but when she pushed the wire in, I had a throbbing pain that felt like she hit a nerve or bone. It wasn't getting any better. She said that she would try again and pulled the friggin' thing out!! I just wanted a little more lanacain at the site it was hurting. Then she decided that I didn't need a wire in Bob. That she would just have to find him. WHAT??
"No, you need to put a wire in Bob, that was the only one she actually wanted a wire in."
"She can find it."
"No," I said, "She couldn't feel him, you need to put the wire back in."
"Fine," she tried to find Bob again on the ultrasound, "Well now that there is the lanacain, I cannot find it."
"You need to," I said. What I was thinking was - Your the idiot who took him out.
She proceeded to putting the wire in as close to the titanium clip as she could. Then she told me that they were going to do a mammogram to see if they were in the right spots. The wire in Bob continued throbbing at a high pitch pain.

"You have got to be kidding me." I said when she left me alone with the nurse.
The nurse started to walk over to me to tape down the 6 inch wires that were poking out of my breast. We walked over to the mammogram room and I told her that I was not going to be able to help her at all with this. If I looked down and saw the wires, she was going to have to either pick up my puke or my body from the floor.
"Don't worry sweetheart," she said, "you close your eyes and I will take care of everything."

After the mammogram she had me sit in a chair in the mammogram room to make sure that the pictures were coming out and I started to cry. I hurt everywhere! She handed me a few tissues and I blew my nose. She was going to have me sit down and wait until the Radiologist could take a look at the mammogram and see if the wires were indeed in the right place. I thought, "Please don't take me back in the waiting room with the women in scrub shirts, they will not know what hit them!" They put me in the "Quiet Room" probably thinking it best to keep me away from them too. After about 10 minutes I got the all clear to go back downstairs into the surgery suite and wait my turn. We picked up Chris and Nickie on our way back. I got back into the surgery suite about 11:20 and my surgery was scheduled at 12:20pm. Bob's wire was still hurting me but I kept saying just 1 more hour and they are going to put me out, FINALLY!!!

Dr. A came and checked on my and said that I got an extra wire, huh? I told her the whole story and she had the look on her face that they were incompetent too. She told me who my Anesthesiologist would be and that she LOVED her, she was awesome. She explained the procedure to us once again. She was going to do a lumpectomy, then she was going to make a small incision under my left arm and take out my sentinel nodes. Those nodes would be tested and if they turned out positive then she would have to remove all of my axillary lymph nodes. If that was the case, then I might need to be put under general anesthesia because the procedure is more invasive and painful. Then she rushed off, I met my OR (Operating Room) nurse and was told that we were just waiting for the Anesthesiologist. I met her and they told me to give my husband a kiss and we were off. I hugged Nickie, and kissed Chris and handed him Jordan, and they told me that I could take him with me (Jordan that is) and me, my surgeon, nurse, anesthesiologist and Jordan walked down to the operating room. I said hi to everyone and they wanted to hear the story about Jordan which I obliged them. Dr. A took the Geiger counter out and tried to find my sentinel nodes. It looked like one of those microphones from the 70's that didn't have the foam head on it. She was upset that there hardly any activity in my lymph area but my breast lit up with sound. She kept shoving the thing into my armpit (not to hard to hurt). One of the women in the mask (I think it was Anne) said, "We can put Jordan right up here with you." Then placed him by my head.
"We should really take a picture of this." I said.
The anesthesiologist said, "I'm going to give you something that might make you a little groggy." I was looking at the Dr. A trying to find my sentinel nodes. I looked up and my vision got blurry for a second, "I don't think I like this." I thought.
The last thing I heard was someone saying,"We don't have a camera dear."

I started to wake up and it seemed to be a lot of movement around me. I was going in and out. I couldn't quite place where I was. I have flashes. Someone saying, the nodes were positive. Someone asking me if I was in pain. Someone gave me a pill to take. Was it Vicadin? Someone asking me if I was still in pain, another pill to take. I opened my eyes long enough to see someone waving to me from across the surgery suite. Was that Chris? Does he really expect me to wave back? Why wasn't my body moving? Oh my god my left side hurt? Everyone just kept talking to me. Just let me sleep, please don't talk to me.

They made me move from the bed to the recliner. I honestly don't know how I got there. I assume I walked, but I don't remember it. After I was sitting, the nurses let Chris and Nickie over to me. Everyone just kept talking, I couldn't make anything out, please stop, please stop. I did hear Chris tell me that the notes were positive and they had to take all my lymph nodes from under my arm. I looked down and someone was trying to show me how to use the tube and drain that was now attached to my body. The nurses finally walked away for a minute and I started to cry.
"This is too much." I cried, "I can't do this. It is too much." Through my tears I could hear my mother in law crying. I felt like everything was just breaking down with me. Chris had me rest on his shoulder as I cried.

I don't know how I got dressed, I really don't remember getting dressed or putting my glasses back on. Did I have them on during the surgery? Were they on during recovery? I don't know. We decided that the little ones would stay with their grandparents that night and we took my 13 year old home with us because she would probably have school in the morning. I had not eaten all day and it was now 5:30pm and so we stopped by McDonald's for dinner. Probably not the best after surgery dinner, but it did fill me up.

After we got home Chris was able to tell me more...

The surgery should only have taken 1 hour and 15 minute tops. When Dr. A went to Chris in the waiting room 2 1/2 hours later, he knew something was wrong. The sentinel nodes were had cancer. I had to be put under general anesthesia so they could scrape out all of my axillary lymph nodes. A drain was put in to help with the draining. I have a tube from under my arm to probably about my knee and at the end of the tube is a reservoir which kind of looks like a clear bulb syringe. While this is in place I cannot take a shower or get it wet. I have to drain the plug every 8 hours.

It took me until Thursday night to make it to the toilet and back without almost passing out or feeling nauseous. The pain in my left side is horrible. It feels like I have been scraped from the inside out (essentially that is what happened). I cannot even feel my breast, I am thinking that my underarm is trumping it. I have an incision about 3 inches long on my breast. It really doesn't look that bad (the form of my breast). And I have an incision from one side of my armpit to the other, and a drain stitched in near the back of my under arm. It is bad. It feels bad. But at least I am over this part of the hurdle. I am done with this part. Every day it does get a little better.

For those that are asking what kind of drugs to you get? Nothing. I take 2 Tylenol with codeine every 4 hours. Now (two days later) I am down to one Tylenol w/ codeine and 1 extra strength Tylenol. Also I need to record how much crap is drained out of my breast and call it it daily. When I get to less than 30 ml a day, I get to have it taken out... This morning I had 75 ml. I still have a ways to go.

I put some of the surgery quirks and my pathology results in another blog. This one is long enough already.

Surgery Update

2009-01-29T09:39:00.001-08:00

Unfortunatley, I am not able to get into my surgery. I am in a lot of pain and just want to update everyone on how it went. I promise I will get into the surgery on my next post.

Surgery was yesterday (Jan.28). There was cancer in my sentinel nodes so my surgeon had to take all my axillary lymph nodes. I ended up going under general anesthesia when they found this out. It took me a LONG time to come out of anesthesia, but I was sent home at about 5pm. I am in A LOT of pain, no bleeding through bandages so that is good. I cannot get to the bathroom and back without having to lay on my bed from the nausea and pain.

I have a drain coming from my underarm that leads into a bulb that I have to drain every 8-10 hours (yes it is disgusting). But I'm alive. My left boob doesn't hurt at all, but I think it is getting trumped by the left arm, chest and underarm.

I will write more when I can use my arm better, just sitting up this long is getting me sick again...

Ode to the Left One

2009-01-27T10:01:00.000-08:00

January 27, 2009

I was trying on sports bras last night. I needed a new one to wear after the surgery tomorrow. The one I had was not going to work (or latch in the back). As I was running from the bra aisle in the Wal-Mart to the dressing I thought of the life of my breasts....

I started "budding" as I heard it put so delicately, when I was in 5th grade. I grew in uneven. The left one grew first, I knew it had to be because I was a side/tummy sleeper and faced my left so I knew that it must because I was squishing my right breast under my body weight, so I trained myself to sleep on my right side/tummy until my right one grew in. Finally it did (I later found out that this is normal and I didn't HAVE to change my sleeping... Who knew?)

I have had a love/hate relationship with my breasts. I hated them when I first got them. I swear I was the only girl in a bra. It was aWHITE bra too, no buff, or nude bras for me back then. I had a shirt I got as a hand me down and it was a beautiful pretty peach, it was ruffly and a soft, and I didn't realize it was so sheer until I took my jacket off in my 5th grade class and everyone laughed at me (at least all the boys did). When I was in 7th grade I forgot to wear my bra one day at Catholic school, (it was gym day, so I had a thick white t-shirt under my white peter-pan collar button up blouse, so you really couldn't see anything). But I freaked, I told my best friend, excused myself from class, called my mom to bring me my bra. She did (in a brown lunch bag, thank god) and when I returned to class to find that "Bra less Bitch" was written on my desk. My "Best Friend", her friends and I all ended up going to Sister Mary Denise's office for that one.

As I got older I started to like them more. I never liked wearing a bra, that is a device you just get used to. When women find a bra that is "so comfortable" it isn't comfort they are feeling, it is just not-as-bad as the last one you had. But as they grew, I found I could use my breast to my advantage. These "ladies" as I liked to call them, seem to get really looks from boys, then guys, then men. My sister was jealous that my "ladies" were always a little perkier than hers (that is until babies and breastfeeding). I was a dancer (ballet, tap, pointe, hip-hop and jazz, so keep your mind out of the gutter) and where it was sometimes hard to get a costume to fit properly (there were numerous costumes I had to sew a bra in them, so my ladies wouldn't POP out during a performance) in the end, I always felt like they enhanced my looks. In the bars and clubs, I could turn quite a few heads and had quite a few drinks bought for me, I am sure that my "ladies" helped me.

After I got married and got pregnant, the real love fest for them started. After the birth of my first child, they did something that to this day I think is amazing... They fed her! Okay, it was hard and hurt like hell EVERY TIME she latched, but I was able to feed my child. Nobody else could do this for my baby, just me. I breast fed my first daughter until she was 11 months old and my second until she was 6 months (her decision, not mine). Sure they were a little less perky, sure gravity and engorgement set in and they hung a little lower, but these were mine. These ta-tas were beautiful, flawless... until December 5, when I found the lump.

Over the past month and a half they have been squished, poked, pricked, punctured, bandaged.. You name it. Tomorrow they will be cut into, the left breast, which was the favorite breast of both my daughters when they were babies, will be cut into, and a part removed. I want to remember them as they are now. To remember them before they were flawed. When they were all mine. Before Alien and Bob decided to lay claim and turn my whole world upside down. I want to remember my ladies, in all their glory.

Isn't it funny when you are growing up and your breast start to grow and you are excited over every new cup size you get into? Once you are an adult, you cringe every time you have to try on a larger bra and you are excited when you loose an inch or a cup. Then one day you find a lump and you pray that after it is all done, you will still fill the "comfortable" bra that you own.

So this is for you, my left breast, cause after tomorrow you will never be the same. But you know what, I will love you regardless.

Telling the Kids

2009-01-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

Jan. 22, 2009

My husband and I had discussed waiting to tell the kids until we had a plan of attack. I didn't want to just put out there that I had cancer and not tell them how we were going fix it. So Thursday night after dinner (and desert) we sat down with all of our kids (the 13 yr old, the 3 yr old and my 13month old) and had a family meeting.

My 3 yr old turned to me before I started talking and asked me how my day was.
"Mommy how was your day?"
"My day was VERY long."
"Anything neat, new or 'terestin?"

Side note: We have 3 questions that are asked at every dinner:
1) How was your day?
2) Anything neat, new or interesting?
3) What did you learn today?
My 3 year old loves to ask me these questions.

"Well actually, yes."
"What Mommy?"
"Well remember when Mommy's boobie hurt? Well they did a test on it and they found out that Mommy's boobie is sick." Then I looked at my 13 year old, "It's cancer."
Her mouth dropped and eyes got big, "Cancer?"
"Yeah."
Just then my 3 year old who was walking around the kitchen (not sitting in her chair like I asked) walked into the chair and hit her nose. She started crying. I pulled her too me and sat her on my lap so I could see if her nose was hurt, it wasn't so I hugged her. Then my 13 month old got mad cause her sister was in my lap so she started wailing too.

Needless to say, it broke the ice.

When I was finally able to let my 3 year old go, I stood up with the baby and continued, "I am have two spots on my breast that are cancer. Wednesday, the Doctor is going to go in and take them out. After that I will have some chemo and/or radiation, then I'll be okay."
"So it is breast cancer?" the 13 year old asked.
"Yes."
"Will you loose your hair, my friends mom had breast cancer and lost her hair."
"I don't know, I hope not."
"But you will be okay?" She asked.
"Yes, I will. I will probably need some more help around the house and with the kids, the radiation can make me really tired."
"Okay."
And that was it...

The next morning, my 3 year old asked me if my boobie was still sick.
"Yes it is."
"How does it get better?"
"They are going to take out the sick part." I explained sitting on the floor with her trying to put on her shoes.
"Is it going to hurt?" She tilted her head to the right.
"Yeah, a little"
"I don't want you to hurt Mommy."
"Remember when you had your tonsils out, it hurt for a little bit, but then you were okay?"
"Yeah."
"It is kind of like that." I gave her a kiss.
"Mommy, I love you sooo hard!"
"I love you so hard too!"

My Surgeon

2009-01-22T17:14:00.000-08:00

January 22, 2009

Oh my goodness it was a LONG day!

My husband, Chris and I woke up this morning, and went through our normal routine. Walked the dog, got the kids off to Daycare, but instead of going to work, we were going to see the breast surgeon. We got there at about 8:40am. My Mother-in-Law met us there.

Side note: My husband and I had discussed having his Mom there. She had seen an episode of The Doctors on breast cancer and they said when you speak to the surgeon, you should bring an advocate with you (someone that was NOT your husband, husbands never really listen, and tend to tune out). After discussing it, my husband and I agreed that if we brought anyone with us, it needed to be his Mom. I knew that she would definitely asked the questions I would be afraid to ask. Meaning there might be some questions that I don't want to ask in fear that I would piss off the Dr. and then she would take it out on my poor ta-tas. (I know that this is probably a stupid thought, but that is what I was afraid of). When I asked her, she said that she would be honored to be my advocate on this.

So manned with our questions and notebooks in hand (okay my Mother-in-Law and I had notebooks) and the three of us went back about 9:15 to meet the surgeon. She said hello, she was in her mid-fifties (I am guessing) and went over my history with me. Once again, like many doctors before her, surprised that I came upon this lump myself. Then she looked over all my mammogram, ultrasound, MRI and pathology reports stopping to highlight items she thought important as she read (wasn't she suppose to "review" my chart before she met with me? Wasn't that one of the reasons that I didn't get to keep my Friday appointment?). Then she asked me to come with her and she took me to an exam room and did an exam on my breast. She looked surprised that both the Alien and Bob were so close together. "Well," she said, I can get that with one lumpectomy. That is great news, we don't have to do a mastectomy." I felt my options go out the window....

I got back dressed and met my family in Dr. A's office. When she returned (from what I assumed would be reviewing my films) She laid out our plan of action....

She wants to do a lumpectomy. She believes that she can get to both of them at the same time. She would take both of them and an extra 1/2 inch border around the two and check it for clean edges (meaning no cancer along all the edges). This incision will probably take off some skin as well since the Alien is very superficial (close to the skin). A guide wire will have to be inserted prior to the surgery into Bob so she can find him, but since the Alien is palpable, she will just cut him out. Then after she finishes with the two of them, she is going to make a small incision under my left arm and remove 1 or 2 of my sentinel nodes (these are the lymph nodes that get rid of the waste in my breast). While I am still asleep, they will freeze them and check them for cancer. If they have no cancer, she will close up. If there is cancer in these nodes, they are going to take 10 - 15 more up in my armpit. If there is cancer then I will get chemotherapy and then radiation. If there is not any cancer in the sentinel lobes than I will receive radiation only. Radiation would start two weeks after the surgery and I would have it 5 days a week for 6 weeks.

How they find the sentinel nodes is pretty interesting. About 2-3 hours before the surgery they will inject me with radioactive isotopes and then with a sophisticated Geiger counter they will find which lymph nodes have the most radioactivity (meaning get the most waste) and it will be the ones they cut out. Huh.. Who would have thought?

Then came time to ask my questions... My questions are in light pink.

"What about my right breast and the Lobular Neoplasia?"
"Why would I cut that out? It is not cancer."
"But, I thought..." (Dr. A cut me off here)
"It is not cancer, it is a marker for cancer, it is a marker only and we don't have to worry about worrying if you get cancer, you already have cancer"

Side note: Dr. A is an excellent, detailed surgeon. One of the best in her fields, but not that great of a bed-side manner. I guess she is good enough, she can afford to be a bit cold.

"What about birth control? Currently I am using the Mirena, a progesterone only IUD for contraception."
"That needs to come out. You have hormone receptive cancer. It feeds on progesterone and estrogen so you cannot use any form on hormones for birth control."

"Okay, that leads me to my next question, Will I be able to have a healthy pregnancy when this is over?"
"You CANNOT have any more kids."
"What?" This is where I think I started to lose control of my breathing...
"You really should not have anymore children. You have hormone receptive cancer. You will probably end up taking a hormone blocker. If you increase the hormones in your body, if feeds the cancer." I think she back-tracked a little bit, cause she saw the shock on my face.
"But no more at all?" My husband and I had decided in November before this all started that at the end of this year we would start trying for one more. When we found this cancer, we decided when this was over and done, that we would celebrate by having one more little one to complete our family. This would fill our table which holds six. Now I was being told that I would not be able to have anymore children?? This was too much. I felt the tears welling up.
"I will tell you what, if after 2 -3 years on the hormone blocker and your tests are clear, then we will discuss taking you off the medicine so you can get pregnant. But you will be watched like a hawk. You really need to decide if you want to have another baby and put yourself at jeopardy or enjoy the two healthy girls you have now."
"How long I am suppose to take the hormone blocker?" I asked.
"For 5 years." Was my answer.

"What are the side effects of the hormone blocker?" This questions came from my husband who up until this point had not uttered a sound.
"Full beard growth." I said half-hearted laughing.
"No," said Dr. A, "You might have menopausal symptoms and it might stop your period all together."
"Oh." My husband said, that was the last thing he said in her office.
"Great," I thought, "No more babies, a deformed boob, and menopause at 35. Does this GET any better?" I am hoping you can read these words dripping in sarcasm.

"How long will I need off of work?" I asked. I know that this is stupid, but because of the new year I had NO time available and I am in the minus at work because of our Disney vacation.
"I do surgeries on Tuesday and Wednesday. You will be able to go back to work on Monday of the next week."
"Really?" I asked dumbfounded.
"Yes, with a lumpectomy the healing time is much shorter. With a Mastectomy, the healing time is much longer, you don't need radiation, but then you have the reconstruction as well."

"What is the difference between a lumpectomy and a mastectomy?" I wanted to open back up my option (shouldn't I at least get a pair of new perky titties out of this?)
"There is no difference in the survivor rate. If we do a lumpectomy you will have a 5-7% chance of the cancer recurring, if you get a mastectomy, it is the same. The only difference at this time would be healing time, reconstruction and with a mastectomy there is no radiation."
"What are the side effects of the radiation?"
"You will have what feels like sunburn just at the location, and you might feel fatigued. We should do the lumpectomy, and then IF the cancer returns in 5 years or so, then we can look into a mastectomy."

"Any more questions?"
I believe my Mother-in-Law asked a few, but I was tuned out... So much information was thrown at me at one time, sure I got a cute little brochure with explanations, I saw pictures of other women's breast in the radiation machine, and after shots of the scars, but this was so much, so fast. I wanted to just cry... I think it really hit me, all jokes a side. I have cancer. Then came the kicker...

"Okay, I know that it has taken you forever to get in here and I know that you want to get this thing taken out. I do my surgeries on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, lets see if I'm free next week."
"HUH?" I thought it, but I don't think any words came out....
"Next week?"
"Yes, follow me and we will have Anne set it up for us."
I followed my family numbly into the other room and sat in front of Anne's desk. She flipped through a scheduling book, and scheduled my surgery....

Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I need to arrive at 9:30am.
The isotopes and wire will be inserted at 10:30am.
Surgery starts at 12:20pm.

I got a pretty little binder and was sent on my way. If I have any questions to call Anne...

I spent the rest of the day in a haze. I had to go to a clinic for my Pre-op physical. There was no way that my primary doctor could fit me in by Monday at noon (that was only 3 days). Oh my gosh!! 3 DAYS!!! Then I went by my midwife's office and had my yearly visit and we got to sit and go through my binder, my pamphlets and she helped me get it straight in my head. During my breast exam (third of the day), she explained to me what my breast would probably look like (deformed) and reassured me that my family loves me for me and not the shape of my breasts. She also explained that when this is all over, I could always get reconstruction done. Then she removed my Mirena (note to those who have it, it is so much easier to take it out, than put it in). Finally my Dr. appointments were over and I could go back to work and finish my work day (that ended up being only 2hrs long) and figured out how I was going to make up my time while I was off.

You've just been diagnosed with breast cancer, what are you going to do now???

2009-01-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

I'm going to Disney World!!!

January 17 - 21, 2009

And that is exactly what I did!!!
Actually this trip was planned since October (way before the Alien, Bob or the Phantom reared their ugly heads). My whole family (my husband, my 13 yr old, my 3 year old, my 13 month old and me) boarded a plane on Saturday for Orlando, Florida. This was our "big" gift to the family at Christmas. It was probably a good thing that we went since I had not found any results from my MRI guided biopsy before we left.

On Monday evening, I came home for Disney World and had two messages on my phone. One from Dr. O (the Radiologist that did the biopsy) and one from Anne (from the surgeons office). Anne told me that they have all the results and had scheduled me for Thursday 8:45am (and when I called her the next day to confirm my appointment I made sure that this was not a "tentative appointment" that it was in pen) and Dr. O told me that my results showed that neither of the two biopsies came back cancerous. But I did have Lobular Neoplasia and Fibrocystic Changes. She had talked to Anne and she said that Dr. A (my surgeon) normally takes this out with a little more tissue to ensure that it wasn't cancer. My husband was relieved, parents on both our sides were relieved.... Why wasn't I relieved?

I was pissed...

Why was everyone so friggin' happy that my right breast was not cancerous? I am still going to get cut into! I am still going to have to get Chemo and/or radiation! I STILL HAVE BREAST CANCER!! My husband asked me how I was doing? How am I doing?? I am angry. I am angry that now if I chose to have a mastectomy done, I am going to have to only have one side done, and I'll be lopsided. I am angry cause I don't know what the hell "Lobular Neoplasia" is. Is it pre-cancerous? I am angry that in my mind this diminishes the fact that I still have breast cancer. I know that this doesn't sound rational, I know that I should be happy about this, I was thinking to myself, "What is wrong with me? Why aren't I happy about this? This is a good thing." But it doesn't make me feel any better. I had my head and heart ready for bilateral breast cancer, I knew that the phantom had to be breast cancer too. I really don't know how I feel about it.

On Tuesday (after another really nice day at Disney World) my midwife called me and she said that Lobular Neoplasia is used as a marker for cancer. That those who have Lobular Neoplasia are usually watched more closely because you are more prone to getting cancer. Well they don't have to watch me THAT closely, I already have cancer. She also told me that the fibrocystic changes is just a cyst and is normal. Well that part is good. I also found out that the anterior (closest to my chest) mass is the Lobular Neoplasia and the posterior one (closest to the nipple) is the cyst. Good to know.

Even through all this we really ended up having a good time. We had a great room (thank you Marriott) and the girls had a blast!! We returned home on Wednesday and I had to get ready for my appointment with the surgeon on Thursday.

You have GOT to be kidding me!!!

2009-01-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

January 16, 2009

I was SHOULD be getting ready for my 11:45 appointment with the surgeon. I SHOULD be calling my Mother-in-Law to make sure she has directions. I SHOULD be checking with my husband to make sure that he was leaving work to pick me up... I SHOULD be doing all these things, but instead I'm stuck at work with no appointment.

I called yesterday morning to confirm my Friday appointment. I knew that my appointment was a tentative appointment. Anne explained to me on Tuesday that IF the results were received on Friday by 11:45 am, I would get to keep my appointment with the surgeon. Anne even called the Radiologist and changed the lab the specimens were being sent to so we could get the results sooner. So I wanted to call and confirm this appointment so they wouldn't give it to someone else. When I called, I got the front desk. They didn't have an appointment for me at all on Friday. What? I explained that I had a tentative appointment and she was quite snotty when she told me that my results were still pending and when they received my results Anne would call me for an appointment. What? I asked to speak to Anne. She was off until Monday.

Side note: My family and I are going to Florida to Disney World from Saturday through Wednesday and I wouldn't be here when Anne called.

I got very upset, I ended up speaking to her supervisor and then to the office manager. The office manager acknowledged the fact that I did have a tentative appointment pending the results of my biopsy. She told me, "Mrs. N___, we haven't received the results yet. So Dr. A gave your appointment away to someone WITH cancer."

I'm sorry? What did she just say? Someone WITH cancer? Then what the HELL do I have???
At this point I am crying and trying to explain that I have been put off and cancelled for the past three weeks. Someone should have had the decency to call me and let me know that my appointment was given away. And instead of apologizing to me, she told me that I didn't actually HAVE an appointment scheduled, it was "tentative". Even if Dr. A received my results on Friday, she would have to review them to make a plan for my therapy before she would see me.

"Mrs. N___, once we get your results, Anne will notify you and make your appointment."

That was it, that was all I got.
No "I'm sorry, for giving your appointment away."
No "I'm sorry for not letting you know after the fact."
No "I'm sorry for the miscommunication."
Nothing...

So I had to spend the rest of my day calling my Husband, Mother-in-law, and Midwife and explain to them that I lost my appointment to someone who HAS cancer....

I once again see how people might give up before the fight ever really begins.... This is ridiculous!

I am going to forget about all this for a few days. I am going to go with my family to Florida and enjoy Disney World! I am going to bask in the love and excitement of my family... Who knows, I might even flash Mickey Mouse or Donald, could be the first and last time these ta-tas see Disney World! hahaha.

Oh, and god help Anne when she calls me on Monday morning to schedule my "REAL?" appointment!

The MRI Biopsy

2009-01-14T16:45:00.001-08:00

January 14, 2009

Wow, just when you think that it can't get any worse, just when you think the hard part is behind you... You get a MRI biopsy. AARRGHHHH!!!!

I met my husband at 10:30am and dropped off my car in an overnight parking lot (I was going to take the Valium and didn't know how I would react to it and we didn't want me driving). We got the Radiologist's office at 11:15 and filled out another set of paper work. I wasn't feeling any effects from the Valium I took a half hour before, so I took one more. When they called my name, I kissed my hubby, then took my purse and Jordan into the back.

I knew the drill. I took off my jewelry, took off my bra and shirt, put on the gown, I got to leave my pants on cause I wore a pair of pants with no metal zippers or grommets (also known as "sweats"), and locked my purse in the locker. Unfortunately, we were not sure if Jordan's had any metal in him (probably does) so he had to go into the locker as well. I went to the bathroom and then found my chair to get my IV. A very nice nurse/tech came in and gave me a briefing of what was going to happen today. She brought another nurse in named, Briana to give me my IV. I showed her my bruise from the week before and told her that Rianna told me (the tech from last week) that the veins in my arms were superficial and to go for the wrist. She obliged me. When she stuck the IV, I swear she must have hit a bone or gone right through my wrist joint. OH MY GOD IT BURNED!!! I started to cry and had to bring my feet up into stomach in the chair. She kept apologizing and took it out. Then she tried the vein in my arm and found it fine. She kept apologizing the whole time (little did I know that I would here "I'm sorry" for the whole day).

Briana took me to the MRI room and they explained the procedure again, she explained that they were not going to be able to give me the headphones to wear this time and inserted foam earplugs in my ears. I asked if the procedure and needle would be the same as the one used during my ultrasound biopsy. She said close, that they were going to vacuum to get the specimens out and there wouldn't be such a loud clicking sound. Cool, I thought. Then she told me to please lie on the board face down. When I looked into the holes that my breast were to go into, on the right side there was a plastic clamp. This looked like a clamp that you would find on a hardware bench! I put my right breast in there and they started to clamp it up, hard. I thought that if they tightened anymore, I was sure that I wouldn't be able to feel the pain of the needles cause I was in so much pain already (unfortunately, I was wrong). After tightening the clamp (they refer to them as "paddles"), I was pushed into the MRI machine. They did a few sequences and then injected the Gadolinium (contrast). They did a few more sequences. The Radiologist told me there were two reasons for this; first, it was to ensure the lesions were still there and it wasn't just a fluke or hormonal tissue that went away, and second, to graph exactly where they needed to put the needle so they could get the sample. After the sequences, I was pulled out of the MRI machine. When the Radiologist came back in, I asked if it had went away and I can go home... No such luck. We were going to have to do two biopsies to get both ends of the linear line of lesions.

She stuck a vitamin E capsule on the outside of the outer "paddle". I was told the paddle had a graph on it, so it could pinpoint the exact location of the mass (lesion/nass - I will use these words interchangeably). They pushed me back in the MRI machine. Now, while this is all going on, I was not allowed to do anything other than breathe. If I was to move the slightest inch, it would throw off the measurements and the needle would be placed in the wrong location (no pressure now). After the doctor was satisfied where the capsule was, I was pulled out of the MRI and the procedure began.

I had my arms up over my head and they were freezing, I had my head turned to the left, laying on my right ear. I couldn't hear anything from the other side, and this was where the Radiologist was. I kept asking the nurses what was going on. I was told that I would feel a pinch... "AAAAAAAA!!!" I called out, it burned. I don't think she did any skin numbing first like the other radiologist. She didn't stop, she kept saying,"You're doing good Laurie, almost done, almost done." I started crying, my breathing became erratic. The Tech and Briana came to my left side and started rubbing me. Someone was rubbing my back and someone was rubbing my butt.

"You will be okay."
"You are doing so good."
These two phrases became their mantras.

I was clutching the bed and my upper body was shaking. Finally the "pinching" and the burning subsided and I let go of the bed. I felt pressure of something jolting into my breast. My god! "What was that?" I called out. "It's okay," the Dr. told me, "it's the needle. It's almost there." That was A LOT of pressure, not so much pain. Then with the needle (which turned out being a 9 gauge 8 inch long needle, with a big round plastic holder, also about 8 inches long as well)hanging out of my breast, I was pushed into the MRI machine so that the Radiologist could see if she placed the needle in the right place. So I laid in there another few minutes. I was pulled out of the MRi machine and she said it was perfect (thank god!!) and then I heard this drilling sound.
"What is that?" I asked.
"Oh didn't we tell you that we were dentists on the side? It is the vacuum."
That is exactly what it sounded like. The drill at a dentist office.

After about 6-7 drills, they inserted the titanium clip and rolled me back in the MRI machine to start the other biopsy. When I came out, the Radiologist started to do the anacain again. This biopsy had to be very close the the chest, cause I started screaming when she started inserting the needle for the lanacain. "Oh Jesus." I cried and started shaking. "I'm putting in more lanacain, Laurie" The Dr. told me. It wasn't helping, my body was completely rigid, my upper body was shaking uncontrollably. The two women were once again rubbing on me. I kept thinking, when was the Valium suppose to kick in and put me out? Before I had a chance to calm down from the needles (or as far as I was concerned get numb enough) WHAM!!!! The big needle went in. I screamed!!!
"I'm so sorry!"
"It's almost done!"
"You are doing so good!"
I was pushed back into the MRI machine, once again with a HUGE needle hanging out of my breast for confirmation and it was in the right spot. Thank god it was. This time though, I could feel the pressure of the vacuum tear each piece out of my breast. Thank god it didn't hurt at that point, just pressure.
"You are doing so good." Briana said again.
"If I'm doing good," I said through sniffles,"I would hate to see your crappy patients."
"You would be surprised." She told me.
After the vacuuming was done, I was sent back through the MRI one more time to make sure that they got the right specimens. They had.

When I was rolled out of the MRI machine, the first nurse unclamped my breast and began pushing against my breast really hard. It hurt more than the clamp! She explained that she needed to put pressure against the opening to stop the bleeding. My Lord, how much blood could there be, that you are insisting to beat up my breast? After about 15 minutes, they let me sit up and I was finally able to take my face off the snotty pillow. But my breast stuck to the paddle on the inside and it caused me to start bleeding again when I pulled it out. So another 5 minutes until I was able to get off the table.

When I looked at the table, there was blood all over the clamp, and then I looked at the ground. There was bright read blood everywhere! On the bed, all over the ground.
"I guess it is good that no one fained this time." I said, halfway to myself.
"What?" Briana asked me.
"My Midwife came with me to my ultrasound and Dr. H made her lay down cause she just about passed out."
"Oh my gosh, I heard about that!! That is hilarious! That was you! They didn't tell me who it was just a midwife had to lay down on the floor during a biopsy, and Dr. H won't allow anymore Midwives in the room." Briana was cracking up.
"Yup, that was me." It was nice to know that my midwife and I were infamous.

I was brought back to the IV chair and Briana took out my IV. Then got me some crackers and cranberry juice to help stop my shaking. The strong nurse was still pressing on my breast this time trying to make it bleed so there wouldn't be any bruising?? That still doesn't make sense to me. But after the bleeding stopped, I had to have another mammogram done to ensure the clips were where they needed to me. So I walked to the mammogram room and once again thought, thank goodness I was still so numb and couldn't feel the squeeze.

After that was over, the nurses wanted to bandage my breast and I told them that I was allergic and they would have to use the beige tape. Jthat tape didn't seem to bother me as much. They said that they would Derma-bond it. No, I said the beige tape is fine. "No," Briana told me, "you know how you asked if the needle was bigger and I said it was about the same? Well I didn't want to tell you how big it was and scare you." This is when I found out that the needle was a 9 gauge needle and I asked to see it. It had a tip on it like an arrow. So they didn't slice my skin like my other biopsy, they just shoved it through. So I need the Derma-bond cause the puncture holes were too big for the beige tape. Briana put on two layers, gave me some (a lot) of ice-packs. I got dressed and once again asked if the results would make it to Dr. A (the surgeon) before Friday (this was very important if I was going to keep my appointment). I left and met my husband in the waiting room. I told them that they were all very nice, and please don't misunderstand this but I NEVER WANTED TO SEE ANY OF THEM AGAIN!!

My MRI Report

2009-01-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

Since I had it, I wanted to share my MRI report with all of you and see if I can decipher as much as I could. My comments with be in the brackets in light pink.

01/07/2009: BREAST MRI WOW BILATERAL (I don’t know what the WOW means; I am hoping that they were that my breasts were that amazing)

Clinical History: New diagnosis of moderately differentiated invasive ductal carcinoma (Please see previous blog with Dr. W, where he tells me that “moderate” differential is better than “poorly differential).

Comparison is made with the prior studies, most recently dated December 2008.

Technique: Bilateral breast MRI was performed in a dedicated breast coil (this is where I laid face down on a board and put my breast through two holes in the board, I don’t remember any coils), with images acquired in the axial plane. Both short and long TR puls sequences were acquired. Dynamic imaging was performed following gadolinium administration (this was the contrast through the IV). Sagital reconstructed images were reviewed. All images were obtained on a high field, 1.5 Tesla imaging system.

MRI of the breasts demonstrates a moderate volume of fibroglandular tissue bilaterally. There is a 2 cm speculated mass the 8:00 position of the left breast (this is the Alien), corresponding to the newly diagnosed invasive ductal carcinoma. Anterior and lateral to this lesion, there is a second 8-9 mm lesion, consistent with the satellite lesion also recently biopsied (this is Bob). These lesions are approximately 7mm apart. No additional areas of suspicious enhancement are seen within the left breast (Yeah!!). No definite areas of lymph node enlargement are noted (this is good; it means that it hopefully hasn’t spread beyond my breast). There is no abnormal enhancement of the chest wall (also good news).

Within the right breast at 10:00, a linear strand of enhancing avidly enhancing masses is seen (this will now be referred to as the Phantom), extending over a length of approximately 7 cm. The largest lesion is within the posterior third of the right breast, 10cm deep the right nipple, and measures up to 1cm in size. The most anterior lesion measures 7mm, and is approximately 2.5 cm deep to the right nipple. There is no corresponding abnormality of ht mammogram. The enhancement characteristics and distribution are worrisome for additional sites of neoplasm (cancer). I would recommend MRI guided biopsy of the most anterior and posterior (the tails) of these lesions. No enlarged right axillary lymph nodes are noted (yeah!).

Impression:
1) There is a 2 cm speculated mass the 8:00 position of the left breast (once again, this is the Alien), corresponding to the newly diagnosed invasive ductal carcinoma. No additional sites suspicious for malignancy are seen within the left breast.
2) A linear strand of enhancing masses is seen within the 10:00 position (the Phantom) of the right breast, worrisome for contralateral neoplasm. As per the above, I would recommend MRI guided biopsy of the most anterior and posterior of these lesions.

Just a Word

2009-01-10T04:38:00.000-08:00

Jan 9, 2009

Today was suppose to be my appointment with the surgeon. I figured that today I would have my answers, today would be the day we could finally breathe, today would be the day that I could sit down with my children (at least the older ones) and explain what I have and how we are going to fix it....

Instead, I was fighting traffic at 8am trying to get to an ultrasound to see if it would save me from a more horrible test. My appointment was actually at 9am, but I wanted to get there early since they were trying to fit me in. I got there at about 8:55 (so much for being early). The front desk clerk asked me for my physicians order and I told them that my Midwife faxed it the day before. They didn't have it, but she knew that calls were made late last night to get me in early this morning. So they called my Midwife's office and have them fax it again.

"I remember you,"she said, "you were here on Christmas Eve with your Midwife and best friend."
"Yup, that was me."
"No entourage today?"
"Nope," I said, "just an ultrasound today, no need for the back-ups."
"Well, have a seat, Mr.s N___ and you will be called soon."
"Thank you."

About 15 minutes later (if that) the tech who saw me at both my mammogram and my biopsy opened the door and called for me.
"Hi," I said like greeting a friend, then felt awkward realizing that maybe she didn't remember me," I was here a couple times and always get you."
"Yes, I remember. I expected you to have your Midwife with you."
"Oh no, she knows her limits now."
"No more floor time for her, huh?"
I laughed,"Nope."
She brought me to the changing room.
"I know the drill," I said," everything off the top, gown opens in the front."
"You got it." She smiled.

She brought me into the ultrasound room and talked with me for a little bit and we both looked through my mammograms to see if we could see anything on the scan of my right breast. Not a thing.

The radiologist came in (a different one) and he got ready with the ultrasound wand. We started and he looked everywhere. At first he saw a circular mass (it looked as nonthreatening as Bob had originally) and said that that might be some of what they were talking about, but he couldn't be for sure. Then continued around the 10:00 position on my right breast and found..... nothing. Not a dang thing.

"I'm going to have to have the MRI biopsy huh?" I asked.
"I'm afraid so." He said and generally sounded sorry, "They need to find out all they can on this because it would completely change the therapy."
"How would it completely change it." I asked.
"Well, if it is cancer and still contained, "in-situ" they would need to take it out. And then you are not looking at one breast with cancer, there is two. That changes the therapy and your chances of it reoccurring."
"Oh."

He left me to get dressed. I wiped off the ultrasound goop, got dressed, left and on my way to my car I called my husband. "They couldn't see anything, I am going to have to have the MRI biopsy done."
"I'll bring you and be there for you. You need to call for drugs."
"Thanks, I will. I love you." Then I hung up the phone.

I had a few calls to make. I called my Midwife to let her know my news and request drugs. I called my 13 year olds orthodontist, she had her first consultation for braces on January 14th, and we needed to reschedule that, and I needed to call Anne, the surgeon's P.A. and let her know that we are on for the MRI on the 14th.

I was mentally ready for the MRI biopsy now. I just wanted to make sure that we try every opportunity that I had before we do it. But we have to do it, so we will do it. But my day was pretty much blah at work. I didn't want to be there, I felt antsy, my head hurt. I just felt like every time we thought we might catch a break, the rug gets pulled out from under us again. Already I can understand why people just say, "Screw it!" and give up. Of course I can't do that, but I can see why they do and I haven't even seen the surgeon yet! Maybe I am suppose to go through these test so I can do this and tell everyone what it is like as real as I could.

I got home and there was another package from my Bountiful Babies Mommies. I opened it and it was a pretty pink scrapbook and on every page was a picture of one of my Mommies with their little ones, donning pink clothes and holding a sign in support of me. "We love LJ" "We support LJ" with "Cancer sucks!!" underneath it, or one mommy coloring and styling her son's hair into a pink mo-hawk!! With every page there were quotes on cancer, fighting it, and supporting it. I cried as my husband sat next to me looking through the pages. Through my tears I told him who everyone was and shared some of their stories. He sat dumbfounded. All he could say was, "Wow, where did they find to do all this?"

There was one quote, I don't know why it hit me so hard, but it was...

Cancer is a word, not a sentence. - John Diamond

He is right, it isn't a sentence, it is just a word... A plain Jane word. I will not longer treat it like it is a sentence. I will NOT capitalise it in these blogs anymore, cause it is not worthy of capitalization. I will beat this and it will understand that in my whole life of adventures, loves and laughter it is just one little word.